How best for a trans/non-binary person to respond to their 6-year-old cousin asking if I'm a girl or a boy?

Question

I have twin 6-year-old cousins (a boy and a girl) who I usually see about once a week or so, when the locally-resident segment of my family get together for dinner on Friday evenings. Yesterday, when the twins and I were playing together while waiting for dinner to be ready, the girl looked at me, smiling, and said "You're a girl.". There's a good chance she was joking (for instance, she loves to call me her daddy¹), but it might also (or instead) have been because I was wearing a skirt at the time (I'm AMAB, but at the time considered myself bigender, and now consider myself trans female; the wearing of skirts was, at the time, a recently-started thing).

I ended up just saying "Maybe" in response, but I don't know if I'd have known how to answer if she'd asked me directly if I were a girl or a boy (something which, as stated earlier, I'm not exactly sure about myself):

• If I simply said, without qualification, that I was a boy, I would've been lying to her, which is something that I do not want to have to do.
• On the other hand, if I told her that I was a girl, that would likely have merely served to confuse her (given that I [currently] have a guy body, and that all of this has only come up very recently).
• Finally, if I told her about identifying as both a boy and a girl at the same time, or as somewhere between the two, or that I'm not entirely sure what I am, I'm certain that that would only have served to bewilder her.

What should I tell her if she outright asks, given that I'm not sure of the answer myself (except that it almost certainly is not as simple as she probably thinks)?

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¹: Don't worry, she has no issues with her actual father (my uncle); she just likes messing with us (it's something that runs strongly in our family).

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EDIT: Turns out I'm pretty sure I am a girl.

Answer 1

A six year old is too young to have developed strong prejudices, and young enough to be confronted with new things every day.

Therefore you should talk to the parents to make sure you don't step onto their toes, and unless they are strictly against it, you tell the kids the truth. So if you are a transgender woman, you would say that you are a woman. If they have seen you looking male, you can tell them that you used to dress more like a male, but you are not doing that anymore. If you don't (yet) look 100% like a stereotypical woman, you can tell them that you are working on looking more like a woman. A six year old can handle the truth, and in the end, the truth is the least confusing for them.

Answer 2

Six years old is old enough to understand gender in a general sense, and it’s definitely old enough to have an intelligent conversation about the complexities of gender.

So my answer is to be honest with them and tell them how you feel. If you know, then tell them. If you’re not sure, then say so- and explain why, and what is going on in your head. Say what you feel comfortable with saying of course - don’t feel you need to share things you are uncomfortable with.

My six year old knows children who are non-traditional in this sense (I don’t know if they’re trans or non-binary or just like wearing non traditional clothes), and we’ve talked about it with them. It’s important to do so by that age, so they know how to process their feelings when they are talking to children who do not conform to traditional gender roles. You can be a positive influence in this way.

Answer 3

A decent approach may be to keep it simple: "I'm still figuring that out", which sounds like a decent summary of where you are at the moment.

Most kids are pretty chill about adults admitting we don't know everything, and if they'd like more information, they generally have no problem asking follow-up questions.

If that's the case, it might be worth bringing their parents into the conversation, if for no other reason that they'll probably have the best understanding of how much detail would be useful. The follow up questions should also be easier to answer, as they're likely to be about more specific things.

Unfortunately, while a six year old probably has a decent grasp on the idea that gender is a thing, how much detail they will find useful will vary wildly (depending on their interests).

Answer 4

The answer is incredibly simple: You ask their parents. Period.

You're not their parent, so you don't need to get into complex discussions or judge their ability to participate in those discussions.

Besides, why stress-out about it. If you're worried the question will arise, simple ask their mum or dad how they want the question answered.

And another besides, you're massively over complicating this (and some of the other posters are simply completely wrong.) Children's views of the world are much simpler than ours, so a simple answer will usually suffice. And be accepted, and the kids will move on.
Ultimately you may find that it's easier to answer their question, than your own.

Answer 5

Having a LGBT+ family memeber, I can tell you that the people who care most aren't children. My brother is gay, and he'll never introduce himself as such especially to children. He'll just say "I'm a man" or "I'm a girl", so the child doesn't get confused/bewilded by unknown pronouns. Also originality can be something valuable for a child.

Basically:

• Either he'll get scared of your mental condition, as with any autism or social-based affliction.
• Or he'll get into it, in order to display originality/weirdness as a trait.

I did this as a child by having very long hair. Forced myself into this to feel more original/special.