Making time for yourself

Question

My son has recently developed a habit of ,following around. If I come upstair he will follow, if I go down stair he will follow, and if he is with his uncle the uncle laugh so loud and fanatic that it is almost I feel like I do not have time to myself. Not to get to study (i m computer dev) to get extra sleep or do anything. I see this becoming a huge problem in the future.

Sometimes I feel like I just wanna run away and give myself a break even from my wife.

I know I cannot tell other people (his uncle) to mend how they laugh but how can I tell my son that when I am studying he should be quite and when he is playing with his uncle he should tell them also to don’t scream or laugh fanatically.

Answer 1

Your son wants attention, your attention. It's the primal behavior of (younger) children. The only way you can take a break is by talking to the adults. If your wife plays with your son that's probably a time he won't follow. If he is left on his own he will go look for you. Some things you can do with your son (he can go color while you study). Same applies to sleep. So

1) Talk to your wife/uncle to actively engage your son when you have other activities that need to be doing

2) Try to see if you can make a game out of doing them together (Now we are both going to snuggle under the blankets)

3) Wait a few years. Once they are age 10+ (don't quite me on this exactly) you'll see they become more independent and you have more free time.

Also NEVER make your child enforce behavior rules between parents/adults. His uncle, your brother (in law) is the responsible adult. If there is an issue with the volume of certain activities you should talk to him, and he should remind your son. Not the other way around. The reason for this is that your son loves you. And he shouldn't be in conflict between loving you (telling his uncle to be quiet) and loving his uncle (and playing with him/having a good time). You see this even more strongly when parents divorce and use their kids to relay messages. But i think the same principle applies.

Answer 2

I strongly suggest you don't try to fight this.

Your toddler will grow fast. This is just a phase. It will pass before you know it. Like most things in the early child age, it is probably better to endure and find the comedy in everything than to make an uncomfortable spectacle of your home life based on minor incidents you will almost positively forget in a few years.

While it may be hard to find time for yourself, and you may be tired, and possibly even confused about what on earth you've allowed your life to become, you will look back on it as the good days.

I'd also say Batavia's estimate on 10+ years may be a personal estimate. It could be 2. You never know. Single child, those with siblings, they all have their own personalities and they change all the time. There's no way to know when yours will outgrow this habit, but it will happen.

I used to wonder when I would be able to sleep again, or take a shower, or ... whatever else was a crisis back then. By the time my oldest was about 4 everyone sort of took care of themselves and now I have tons of time and almost wonder what I should be doing with myself. I am also a computer dev.

I would take a step back and really ponder the notion that these times won't come back to you, and these times are the ones you will want to remember. Absorb it all in and know you will laugh one day.

Answer 3

You are introverted

Honestly this sounds more like you are an introvert than an issue with your child. I am introverted as well and I can tell you from experience that having children makes finding a balance an incredibly difficult struggle, but not impossible. Without "me" time, quiet time, and time to yourself to recharge your social meter you will eventually break and it takes a long time to recover from that.

Make sure your wife understands

Your wife should be your support system (and you hers). What I do that has helped is I talk to my wife about my introversion. She doesn't fully understand, but understands how exhausted I get being around other people and being away from home. She knows my struggles with needing to get some time to myself, time away from family, time away from kids, and time where I know someone isn't sitting there waiting for me to be done 'having alone time'. It is stressful knowing someone is waiting for you to get done relaxing so really you don't recharge at all from that alone time. She also understands the noise prevents that alone time from being 'productive recharge time' and that I get sensory overload when the kiddo has been making non-stop noise and I'm tired from the day and I've been around people all day and all the other social battery drains.

What I do that works

How this works for us is pretty simple and might work for you too. On the weekends and 1 night during the week, have her take the kids for an hour or 2 with no expectation that you are on the hook for care. This last bit is very important as you can't really recharge effectively if you know someone is waiting for you to be finished. An odd thing really, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

For me, this is usually I go do yard work for the afternoon (I find it relaxing to be alone with my thoughts and also being productive).

During the week, this may sound silly, but go shut yourself in your room, take a drive, or take an extra long poop break and read, listen to music, look at memes...I don't care but just get some time away from all other people and noise to recharge.