Is it okay to encourage a transgender teen to consider genderqueer and transfeminine as alternatives to transgender?

Question

My oldest child (17) told us that he has been struggling with finding his "presentation" and he "thinks" the answer is that she's a woman. Oldest is searching for the right female name and wants to change her name in time for senior year.

We are lucky to have a children's hospital close by that has a specialty gender clinic and I called the next morning and got the ball rolling there. Oldest will have access to expert counseling as well as medical treatment should that be the route of the future.

However, despite trying to be supportive of his/her gender dysphoria, I may have put a foot wrong. While doing more research, I found that there are more flavors of gender and queerness than I ever thought possible. Because I don't want the full gender change (feels like a rejection of the past 17 years of our family life), I suggested that s/he look into being genderqueer or transfeminine. It's the odd wording that s/he used that makes me think these are valid possibilities. S/he's more concerned with "presentation" and didn't at all mention being uncomfortable without breasts or uncomfortable with his current private parts. I keep rationalizing, but I wonder if I accidentally hurt his/her feelings and shouldn't throw out these ideas again just because they suit me better and s/he may not have considered them before.

S/he seems okay this morning. We had a positive exchange and late last night, s/he even cleaned and left the coffee press and coffee cups out for his/her father and me.

Question: Is it okay to bring up the alternatives of genderqueer and transfeminine in slightly greater depth and discuss them as real alternatives or should I just keep avoiding names and pronouns and leave the fine-grained gendering discussion to the experts at the hospital?

ETA: We're a few weeks out now and it's still hard for us in some ways, but it's getting better faster than I imagined it would. Every time I take a step toward getting her name used and officially changed and setting appointments with doctors and counselors, the genuine sincerity of her thanks and appreciation have helped reaffirm for me that she's doing the right thing for herself.

Answer 1

Not all trans people get all the surgeries, and none of them get them all at once. Your child is choosing a presentation and a name that align with their internal awareness. They may ask for hormone treatment so that the effects of puberty are mitigated. They may never elect for any surgeries ever, but if they do, many trans women feel that adam's apple reduction and laser hair removal are far more important than bottom surgery. Voice training is also super important.

Today, you don't want the full gender change. That's cool. Call your child by the name they want to be called, and use their pronouns, and run interference if family members, neighbours etc resist the change. Help them get new clothes and help them get institutions like schools to support the new normal. After a while it will be clear that even the full gender change will not be a rejection of those 17 years together. Your child will still have the same sense of humour, taste in music, favourite foods, in-jokes, treasured holiday locations and so on as always. You can follow your child's lead in this and be supportive without feeling that you were wrong to raise your child as a boy, since that's the information you had at birth.

Your child is lucky to have supportive parents, and if the worst experience ever is that on Day 1 someone said "are you sure you need to go 100% all the way, you might just be genderqueer?" then that is going to be a pretty great transition. Smile, be glad you're someone who is trusted to be along on the journey, and gather your strength for protecting your child from a world that won't all be as nice.

Answer 2

I am an adult trans woman and a mom. I love Chrys's answer and your supportiveness, but I just wanted to provide a little more insight here.

Is it okay to encourage [...] genderqueer and transfeminine as alternatives to transgender?

Transgender identity is inclusive of genderqueer and transfeminine individuals, so it is important not to contrast these with each other. Perhaps you meant as alternatives to identifying as a binary trans woman? In any case, the difference between these identities should not be defined by what physical changes a person chooses for themselves, but by how they feel internally. It is certainly great for your teen to be aware of all the different possibilities, but I want you to understand that at the end of the day if your teen identifies as a woman but doesn't want to change some physical features that is ok.

My oldest child (17) told us that he has been struggling with finding his "presentation" and he "thinks" the answer is that she's a woman.

While there is likely lots of questioning going on, I would discourage placing too much weight on your child's choice of the word "thinks". Your child may have trouble expressing certainty because of the fear of what kind of responses she may receive (i.e. "Are you sure you're a woman? You don't do X."). One of my biggest fears when I first started trying to express my gender identity was that cis women (even liberal, accepting ones) would feel I was claiming an identity that I didn't really represent. For now, from what I gather, it seems your child has chosen she/her pronouns. That could change, and that's ok, but you should use what your child currently feels like. For that reason, I'm going to refer to her that way through the rest of my answer. In case it's not clear, this is why I'm gathering she's currently chosen she/her: "the answer is that she's a woman" and "Oldest is searching for the right female name and wants to change her name in time for senior year".

We are lucky to have a children's hospital close by that has a specialty gender clinic and I called the next morning and got the ball rolling there. Oldest will have access to expert counseling as well as medical treatment should that be the route of the future.

That's fantastic! And your daughter is so blessed to have a mother willing to do this for her. I would also encourage you to get counseling as well, if you haven't already, because it can help you process some of these worries openly before you decide whether/how to approach your daughter about them.

Because I don't want the full gender change (feels like a rejection of the past 17 years of our family life), I suggested that s/he look into being genderqueer or transfeminine.

This is the area of biggest concern to me, and why I would strongly urge you to consider counseling as well. While it is perfectly normal for you to experience feelings of fear/rejection/loss over these types of changes, the way you respond to your daughter will have a huge impact on her well-being. If your daughter does feel the need for hormones/surgeries (there are many options and whether they are needed depends entirely on how your daughter feels), then your expressed reluctance may make it harder for her to accept or communicate to you. She may not know or want them right now, and that is fine, but you should be careful about discouraging her from them. If there are concerns about timing, that is something you should definitely bring up with the therapist.

should I just keep avoiding names and pronouns

Chrys already covered this pretty well, but you should use whatever name and pronouns your daughter is comfortable with in the moment. You don't have to wait for a legal name change to start using the new name. However, if there are people she is not out to, you should have a discussion with her about how to handle referring to her around them.

Bottom-line: Chrys is absolutely right that no matter what bumps in the road there are, you are on the right path! I just love the way she finished her answer:

Your child is lucky to have supportive parents, and if the worst experience ever is that on Day 1 someone said "are you sure you need to go 100% all the way, you might just be genderqueer?" then that is going to be a pretty great transition. Smile, be glad you're someone who is trusted to be along on the journey, and gather your strength for protecting your child from a world that won't all be as nice.

Thank you for reaching out for help! I love that you care so much about your daughter to consider all these factors!