You must start using immediate and known consequences which cause him stress, not you. Bad behavior needs to be corrected and have consequences without regard for how tired or hungry a child is. Grace has a place, but it should not be the norm. In fact you can't teach and show them grace until after you have effectively set the precedent for consequences that they know will happen.
Immediate and known consequences are part of teaching them control. In reality they can control themselves, it just takes effort that they don't realize they have in themselves until they are forced to do it.
For issues dealing with aggression it is advised to enforce consistent non-physical consequences.
As a parent you must be consistent, irregardless of the social situation. As an example, there were many times my wife and I alone tried to do grocery shopping and because a child was acting out we had to leave our cart and go home to deal with the behavior immediately. It sucked, but the kids learned rather quickly that we meant business. And what a great lesson when the kid wants their favorite cereal and we don't have it because we couldn't do our shopping!
Aggression issues cannot be solved by aggression. Sure, you can be stronger and meaner than your kid and gain a temporary upper hand until they grow up and leave. But as a parent our goal is to make them better people, not make them pretend to be better. All Pro dad has this list of ideas, I have not gone through and evaluated them all.
Basically this means that the child must not like what you're doing. There is a balance and art to finding how to put pressure on your kids. First, be steady, don't flip flop around. Most of the time they will pretend your consequence doesn't bother them, but it does. However, if you see that a consequence has stopped being effective, then adjust.
this professional resource says a lot of what I think is important.
What are consequences? Consequences are the positive or negative
results of behavior. Everything you do in reaction to your children’s
behavior is a consequence. However, consequences are more than
imposing consequences on children when they do something wrong; for
example, turning the television off when siblings fight about which
program to watch.
Consequences have a larger purpose, which is helping children realize
that their behavior has an impact, and they should allow children the
opportunity to think about what they did. Ultimately, you want to
help your children realize that their behavior has consequences and
that they need to consider possible consequences before they act.
Consequences don't have a primary focus on 'conversation' or 'understanding' as perhaps an adult at work might have to speak to HR about something. Consequences do require conversation and understanding over time, but don't confuse the two. Consequences are natural or imposed and have a direct impact on the child. After the consequence plays out, then a conversation and understanding can happen and be useful and successful.
From the same resource
Your imposing consequences just stops the activity so you can point
out the impact of the behavior and what better options your child can
The conversation doesn't stop the activity, the consequence stops the activity and then enables the ensuing conversation which creates an opportunity for growth.
- Undesired Behavior
- Cool down