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I have a 14-year-old daughter. I found out that she has bought a bunch of thongs and thong body suits and thong bikinis. I also found a bunch of mini skirts and super short shorts. How should I punish her?

closed as primarily opinion-based by Buzz, Anne Daunted, Rory Alsop Mar 23 at 18:58

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Hi and welcome to Parenting.SE! Please take the tour and read the help center. Unfortunately, your question is primarily opinion-based and too broad. It needs more details. Can you explain what your goal is, what you tried so far (e. g. did you speak to her and what did she say), how her behavior in general is? Did she buy them from her own money and are there restrictions what she is allowed to spend her money on etc.? – Anne Daunted Mar 23 at 14:24
  • You say that she needs to be punished, as if that's obvious. Why do you think that? Knowing your background and reasoning would help people provide good answers. – user32494 Mar 23 at 17:28
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    I'm closing this for now, for various reasons. Your question doesn't properly articulate why this deserves punishment, but even if you did I think it would be too broad or opinion based. Why would you want strangers on the internet to tell you how to punish someone? – Rory Alsop Mar 23 at 19:00
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Punish her for what? Is it stolen money? Is she not allowed to purchase items with her money without your permission?

If you are instead wondering if you should punish her for buying ‘sexy’ undergarments, I would ask you what the offense is and what is the aim of the punishment?

It’s likely that, given the inescapable and constant social messaging to young women that they are empowered by being sexy, your daughter is starting to explore the supposed/media reinforced trappings of adult womanhood by buying ‘adult’ underwear. Growing up is not an offense.

To punish her will cause her to turn away from you - society tells her to do something you then punish her for it merely teaches her to have two ‘selves’, the one she shows you and the one she is in the world. This leaves you not knowing what she’s going through, unable to protect her, which I assume is your real fear, her being harmed.

Instead, perhaps take this opportunity to say to her that you value her for her brains/art/athleticism/anything that isn’t her looks, and that anyone who was attracted to her body and not her essence isn’t worth her time. That she’s so much more than a pretty face, and she’s enough all on her own. And that she can always say no, change her mind, and call you for a guilt free bail out any time.

Home should be a safe place to be yourself.

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    You might want to add that if anything, the child might need some help with the dangers of wearing this stuff and then posting pictures of it online, being pressured into wearing this, or who knows. The modern world makes it pretty easy to do dumb things as a teenager and being uninformed and punished makes for a lousy combo. – Erik Mar 23 at 7:02
  • maybe she bought flip flops and anna is aussie? – tuskiomi Mar 29 at 16:32
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Punishing her may not be the best idea. At such age, she is going through puberty and there are a lot of pressure on the brain due to physical changes, among other problems.

When a brain goes under such added pressure, such as puberty, a person consciously or unconsciously acts to find ways to reduce that pressure and gain confidence. Exercise and foods are the most common positive methods that some young people try to deal with such problems, and unfortunately drugs and alcohols are the negative ways that some young people try. In between these two, there are other activities such as what your daughter may be doing by trying new wears to accentuate her physical attractiveness and hopefully gain confidence.

Punishment might cause and create distance between you and your daughter. If you did not tell her anything yet, you may try to ignore that you know about it.

If you could, you may try helping her to become attracted to exercises/sports, if already not. It might be good, and help her to pass these difficult years rather easier.

I certainly understand you are protective of your daughter. However, not much can be done, as far as I'm concerned and I can think of, in the punishment path.

In sum, anything that you may do to help her gain confidence would be helpful.

Best wishes!

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