How can I introduce discipline into my 8-year-old daughter's life? [closed]

Question

I have an 8-year-old daughter and I have had some past issues with kids and feel a lot of guilt. So I really find it hard to believe that strict. But now it has got a little bit of control. She back talks to both me and my fiancé like garbage we continue to try to do nice things for her. I give her rules she doesn't follow any of them.

But one of the biggest issues I have is my fiancé loves her and is very good to her, I mean a lot better than her father. I mean don't get me wrong, her dad loves her, but I feel that is a little bit of a show. Child support never gets paid, more and more excuses not to come and get her on his weekends. Never calls to check on her during the week. So that makes me feel even more guilty.

But back to my fiancé, she runs all over him and that puts me in the middle of it because he doesn't feel it is his place but in the meantime right now I am very sick and unable to work and every dime spent on her comes from him. He keeps a roof over our heads. And drives her to and from school. I am very lucky to have him and so is she. I don't think I am asking my daughter for a lot. Respect both me and my fiancé, no talking back, when I say no to something I mean it, don't ask again. Keep her room clean, clothes put in drawers in order. School clothes hung up and I get nothing from her.

On top of it all her dad when he shows up tells her to lie to not only does she do it but then begs me not to say anything to him about or she gets in trouble grounded. Like she has been grounded for 3 weeks no TV no phone in her room there at his house and she is only allowed out to use the bathroom and get a drink, for not eating broccoli she was throwing up trying to by the time she got home her eyes were swollen, what makes it even better my ex's girlfriend's nieces and sons and even my ex didn't have to eat a bit of broccoli. So that's why she is grounded for 3 weeks. See this is the the things that make me feel horrible.

So please if anyone can lend some advice guidance, anything would be helpful.

Answer 1

Stability and consistency. Create a set of rules, reasonable rules, write them down and stick to them. And then, let it go. You not emotionally reacting to everything is the goal — she talks back, all you say is ‘it hurts my feelings to hear you speak that way, I love you.’ then ‘I will speak to you about this when you can be kind.’ and then do not respond d or react further. Be neutral, her anger is not your anger. She needs to be free to express herself, to feel safe emotionally with you. That means giving her space, but not an endless response.

For the rules... What privileges does she enjoy in your home? TV, phone, outing privileges (with friends)? Thing like freedom to move about the house or food are not privileges. She needs to feel safe in the home with y’all.

What obligations does she have? Going to school. Telling you the truth. The rules about her room being clean and clothes being put up — autonomy in their private space is important to feeling safe. What really impacts you? Her room being messy doesn’t hurt you, so maybe let it be? Insist on more productive behaviors, like joining y’all for dinner and sharing about her day.

Rules should be based on obligations, consequences are the removal of privileges for a given amount time. This way your fiancé can join in with confidence - a rule is broken, he can say ‘I asked you about X, you lied, you will have some privileges taken away by your mother.’ End of discussion. For something minor, leave it at a day of punishment, 3 or more days should be reserved for things that endanger or hurt someone materially. She’s young still.

The flip side of punishing for lying is that when she tells the truth, even if the truth is bad, there is no punishment. You can punish her for things she’s caught doing but if she admits to something bad, y’all should discuss why it was bad, but no punishment because she chose to tell you, which is the right thing. It’s okay for her to make mistakes, no one is perfect, we just have to do what’s right after to correct for them (like telling your trusted parent).

Even with this system, there will be bad days and weeks. Stay consistent. Don’t change course. She will test you for months, but eventually will find a middle ground.