I want to say my main feeling is "this can be overcome". This seems pretty typical of a lot of situations and frankly an easy trap to fall into. But it wont be easy.
In my opinion your son is acting pretty typically for a three year old in the scenarios you describe.
I get the feeling there has been a breakdown in team work between yourself and your wife which in turn happens with the rest of the family.
Re-Establish Team Work
This will need to start with a deep and honest conversation with your wife. Find/make time for it (e.g. book a day off work). Approach it calmly and not from a place of anger / hurt. It's important you get across your feelings without blaming her (this can be tricky and you may even want to consider a mediator / councillor if its not going well, which it sounds like it might not be).
Tell her you feel left out of the parenting decisions (again re-enforce you dont blame her), mention things (phone etc) that you would like to try changing and see if you can find easier ways to transition (see below). Then take some time to listen to your wife, find out why she feels the need to do the things you don't agree with (e.g. phone) understand them and again suggests ways you can work with her (e.g. she might have felt really overwhelmed before she started giving him the phone etc). Then get onto the subject of family and work out together how they can be politely asked to keep you in the loop better and give you more quality time with your son (perhaps this can again be transitioned by spending together with grandma and your son, go for a gentle walk / to the park together).
Thats going to be the first major hurdle, once you have established the teamwork you can start addressing things that will be affecting your sons behaviour
Addressing the behaviour
(warning there is no point in trying to address these without your wife on board, it will only make you the bad guy and continue this problem warning)
Even after getting your wife on board, she is going to be tentative at first, get some books that you can both read before attempting anything (I really recommend 1,2,3 magic, its a really simple approach that when you stick to it, works really well, and I think as a parent its useful to have that structure/framework for yourself and partner to consistently fall back on)
Shared, Consistent discipline. We use a mixture of 1,2,3 magic and a green and red token system (green tokens when they display good behaviour, red when we get to 3) But figure out what will work for the both of you
Reduce screen time. We saw a massive change in behaviour when we dramatically cut back screen time and I think most people would agree with you that he is having too much (again its important you don't tell your wife 'you are doing it wrong', phrase it as 'i think we should try'. In our relationship I was the one resistant to cutting back screen time but we came up with a plan together that we both liked. We agreed to have no screen time at all apart from on "Movie night" which we have every friday, we sold it to our kids as this big exciting thing, movie night will have pop corn and be fun etc, but it means no more screen time in the week. Personally I think its the best thing we have ever done. The point is, figure out some kind of "swap", because kids are not going to understand it stopping abruptly, get it across as a 'fair trade'
Earlier bed time, in my opinion aim for about 7.00/7.30. this important for him (he needs the sleep) and you as a couple (you need adult time together) emphasis the last point when talking to your wife, you want to spend more time with her.
Address why you leave everyday, again with your wife, take the time to explain why you leave, explain that going to work is how the family can buy food and nice things (like treats) and that you wish you could spend more time with them but it has to be done. This is a really subtle thing that is easy to miss, but kids just see you leaving and assume its because you want to.
Again you can't make progress on this on your own, things wont get better overnight and sadly as the secondary care-giver you are always going to have this problem in one form or another. But speaking from experience, now that my son is older we actually have the opposite problem, he sees mum all the time and he misses me so now he acts up for mum and is well behaved for me :O.
Things shift and change over time, the thing that needs to remain constant is you and your wife tackling things as a team, try very, very hard (because it is hard) to not hold resentment for each other. Its easily done, one resenting the other for getting more 'adult time' and the other for more 'kid time' but you need to push past it and work together
