My 12-year-old daughter till recently had a good, friendly relationship with us (her parents) and was always happy to discuss anything that happens at school/activity classes and what's going on with her friends. She has always been a bit rebellious when I try to refuse something or enforce a rule that she doesn't like. However, she would understand the reasons when we explain them to her in a logical manner and would then accept our suggestions. There were times when she or my husband managed to convince me that I'm wrong/being difficult and I would then change my stand and allow her to go ahead with her plan. So we had disagreements but nothing that a discussion and a good cuddle didn't solve.
She turned 12 last year and things are totally different now. She constantly finds new things to fight about and I tried ignoring her or sending her to her room to cool down but nothing helps. She screams at me for every minor disagreement and seems to hate me all the time. I know she's at an age where hormones are probably playing havoc with her but I'm clueless about what I can do to help her.
For example, we recently had a disagreement regarding her friend's birthday party. This particular girl wants to have a party till 11 in the night and I don't understand why 12-year-olds need to stay up so late. I'm from India and kids here typically follow the sleep schedule of their parents so maybe her parents don't think it's late. I told her the latest I can pick her up is 9pm or she is skipping this party. She started screaming saying she can stay late as it's a holiday the next day and how the parents of her friends are allowing this. She feels I'm being a monster and my husband sided with me on this so that made her even more upset. She started leaving post-it notes in her room and other places saying 'I hate my mom/ wished I had a different mother'- stuff like this. She has a diary where she can write all this and she knows I never snoop through it so I know she's leaving these messages hoping I'd read it and be upset. I just threw away the notes and don't plan to discuss it with her unless she brings it up but I don't know if this is the correct approach to take.
I am looking for some help on how to get her to listen to me without her totally hating me for it and what is the best approach to take when these fights happen (while maintaining my sanity).