Daughter is deciding to have a child with near-total stranger

Question

I have a daughter who has made many, many bad choices in her life. At 26, she has already been in several failed relationships, got addicted to heroin, recovered (6 years now), moved in with a guy with a child who abused her, moved in with another guy who had 2 children who eventually used her as his glorified baby-sitter, and has recently hooked up with a guy who is 27 and has 4 children with 3 different mothers. She is now carrying his 5th child.

We have been there for her supportively and emotionally every step of the way and have even allowed her to move back in with my husband and I after the last failed relationship. We have helped her to try and get back on her feet after the last guy drove her credit into the ground and sold all of her things to help support their champagne taste on a beer budget.

I have always told my girls that their father and I will not raise a child of theirs, especially if they bring that child into the world so irresponsibly and recklessly. We are in our 60's now and my daughter was under the assumption, for some unknown reason, that we would embrace this news about her being pregnant. I am emotionally numb!

We warned her about getting involved in a relationship with this guy that she has only known for 3 months and discussed making sure that she was using protection if they were having sex. We have never met this guy, hardly know anything about him, and are so angry, sad, disappointed, and fearful of her future right now that we are seeking our own counseling to help us figure out how to manage this train wreck ahead.

I have no desire to even want to be a part of this shit show that my daughter is determined to follow through with. I feel no emotional connection to the pregnancy and don't want to have anything to do with this reckless life decision she has made.

I see absolutely nothing good coming from this. All I see are the hardships and struggles she will be going through for the rest of her life, let alone bringing an innocent child into this horrible scenario ahead. I have no desire to meet this man and want no part of the pregnancy. I cannot even seem to embrace having this child as part of our lives.

I love my daughter unconditionally and know that she is making the biggest mistake of her life. Most importantly, I know because of the situation, she is going to want and need constant support from her father and I. We both feel emotionally unattached to this unborn child and need our daughter to move out and figure this out on her own. Any advice on how to manage this train wreck ahead without losing complete contact with my daughter over it?

Answer 1

First off, I would stick to your guns on not raising the child, but you don't need to cross that bridge until you get there. That may never be asked of you. It's going to be a while before this child is even born. Ultimately this child is your daughter and her partners responsibility.

You mention you are numb, you have been blindsided. Give yourself permission to take some time to yourself to process this. You have months to wrap your head around this situation.

If you can't talk it over with your husband or a trusted friend, consider a therapist who can help you hash all this out. There are probably also support groups for people in similar situations where you could meet with other people who have faced similar circumstances. If you don't have personal supports to lean on, look for some in the wider community.

In the end, you will probably love this grandchild. Even if you do not raise them, and even if you don't agree with the circumstances that brought them into the world, you can be a loving and steady presence in their life. All kids need that.

In the meantime, I would be as kind and supportive as you can be towards your daughter, while keeping he at arms length and not getting overly involved in her pregnancy until you feel ready. She is an adult, her problems are not your problems. Do not cut off contact, but you don't have to initiate contact, and do not be afraid to draw a line and tell her if you are not ready to see her, meet the guy, discuss certain topics, etc. If she insists, pull back. Take those steps when you feel ready, not when you are pushed into them.

Good luck.

Answer 2

My parents felt the same way about my sister. Pregnant by her boyfriend 20 years older then her and this being his 5th child by his 4th girlfriend/wife. My parents swore that they would have nothing to do with this kid. As time would tell, this child is one of their loved grandchildren. Talks with them online every week. Shares the same birthday as my father and has had many achievements. Far more than any that has come before her.

As you know that child of your daughter is innocent in this undesirable situation and that child has unforeseen possibilities. And I will also point out that your daughter is still only in her 20's which means that she too still has a lot of years to reach her best. I understand your current disappointment. I do wonder though, did you do as your parents told you to or did you make your own path? Did you make mistakes?

Be the emotional safe haven for your daughter and grandchild. Celebrate the positive moments. Be prepared to give a hug and wipe some tears in the bad moments. But don't give judgement on their actions as they are not your actions. If asked for your opinion, then give your opinion. It is perfectly fine to have boundaries but as you know people react to what others do or say. Caution! Think it through.

Answer 3

Oh, my Mother wasn't happy about my son either, but she couldn't not love him. As a single mother, I think the things that will help your daughter most would be to take her to social services. In the U.S., an unemployed pregnant woman should qualify for:

• AFDC - Aid to Families with Dependent Children provides money for
  monthly expenses
• Food Stamps (food allowance)
• WIC Program provides a check to purchase milk, cereal, cheese, and some other items
• Housing, can be difficult to get because so many apply for it
• Heating Assistance, annually
• Medicaid, for both her and the baby
• and many, many, other services!

Make sure she tells them who the father of the child is. Social Services will even deal with the court system and garnish his wages to make sure that he isn't a deadbeat dad and does not skip out on the financial needs of his child.

Assistance programs will help her. It can give her a fighting chance. There are daycare programs so she can go to work, sometimes even college tuition so she can get an education and make a decent salary. She has to be accountable for keeping up with her responsibilities, but being accountable to "the system" might be just what she needs.