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Our daughter is a bit above 3 years old and she's having tantrums multiple times a day, whenever she doesn't get what she wants. Lots of screaming and shouting.

We as parents understand that this is a normal phase and the best way is to ignore her and let her cry it out. But that process will take at least 10 min and sometimes more than half an hour.

However, our neighbor has been quite annoyed with that. They request us to not make any screaming after 9.30pm. They are a couple who decided to not have children, and so I find it impossible to get them to understand that when a child wants to scream, there isn't too much parents can do.

Is there another way to deal with a 3-year-old's tantrums? Of course that does not include surrender and let her always get what she wants.

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    You may want to also post on interpersonal here to get advice on how to deal with your neighbours. – Ian MacDonald Jul 19 '18 at 23:33
  • Have you seen (and read the answers to) this question? parenting.stackexchange.com/q/34163/9327 How does those answers fail to help? Please be specific. – anongoodnurse Jul 20 '18 at 5:11
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    @anongoodnurse, yes, I have seen it before I post. That question and answers there are all based on scream it out, which as I wrote is not possible. – jf328 Jul 20 '18 at 8:59
  • it may be that you just have to accept that it will annoy your neighbours until your daughter grows out of it... – Rory Alsop Jul 20 '18 at 10:55
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For the most part, I think the answer is, unfortunately, that your neighbors will have to be understanding for a while. Three year olds scream a lot, and that's just a fact of life. They are frustrated when the world doesn't work the way they think it should, and they don't know what to do about it, so they scream.

As far as dealing with the tantrums, read the related question/answers, and I think you'll find that neither of our answers strictly says you should let her just scream. Rather, the idea is you should help her calm down, while understanding that sometimes the screaming will happen and it won't just instantly go away.

You can sometimes help that calming down process, either by having a soothing item (a blanket, stuffed animal, etc.), or by helping her manage her physical symptoms - with my children, for example, asking them to take deep breaths helps both by managing the physical symptoms and sort of as a mantra to help calm the mind. Again it's not instant, but it does help them get to a place they can process things better (and did when they were three).

But I'd caution you against even considering the neighbors here. If you do, you're going to add additional stress into your parenting relationship. When the goal becomes "shut up the child" rather than "help the child process her complex emotions", you both fail to help your child grow, and you end up stressed out and likely will react in inappropriate ways.

Apologize to your neighbors, but do so in a polite manner that makes it clear that you aren't changing things for them.

I'm very sorry that our children's noise bothers you, but unfortunately this is part of child development and I'm afraid there's no way for us to simply stop her from screaming. We're working with her to help her understand and process her emotions in a more positive way, but as with any child this will take a fair amount of time.

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    Can I buy you a set of ear protectors? – Sherwood Botsford Jul 21 '18 at 14:09
  • @SherwoodBotsford, as a light sleeper myself, earplugs does not stop baby scream at all. – jf328 Jul 23 '18 at 8:26
  • You have my sympathy. I moved to the country. My nearest neighbour is 120 meters away. I still wake up in the night, "What was that?" Now I wish my house was another quarter mile back on my property. – Sherwood Botsford Jul 23 '18 at 23:21

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