I was witness to a banal argument between my 23-year-old daughter and her mum which has lead to a three month impasse, whereby my daughter has installed herself in my small apartment with the intent of ejecting me from it. She refuses to make peace with her mom in order to move back and is putting me in the difficult position of needing to evict her.
Background to Issue
Up until two months ago, my 23-year-old daughter had been living with her mum and her 11-year-old brother in a large 4 bedroom house without much quarreling. She is a "full-time" student (5 courses for a total of 15 hours in Cegep [between high-school and college]).
My daughter approached her mum two months ago for advice about whether she should take a part-time job (15h) offer with a bank. I told her that it might be good for her to realize what it is about, to eliminate a field of study. Her mother was equally not keen on the idea as it was a selling job and it would be stressful for my daughter, bringing this stress home to the family as she already did in the past. My ex-wife was concerned about her youngest son who has Autism. At this point my daughter unexpectedly, exploded in anger, shouting, slamming the door and breaking it.
The next few days consisted in her continuing the dispute coming out of her room to challenge her mum while I was a witness. After 4 days, her mom decided to put an end to this by saying that if she didn't want to talk about issues instead of shouting about them, she would have to go stay with me for a while, with which I was in agreement. She said she wouldn't leave but made no attempt to explain her outbursts which continued. Her mom then decided to give her a week to decide whether she wanted to stay under the condition that she talks, or to leave. She also gave her a professional therapy toll-free line in case my daughter needed to talk to someone. In addition, her mom also called a family therapist to ask advice on the impasse. The therapist advised that the daughter, since she was 23, should leave the house.
After one week of ignoring everyone, she called a friend to take her to my place, expecting to take over my bedroom. I was annoyed at this and refused to give her my room, having decided to put a lock on my bedroom door when I found out her plan through my 21-year-old son, who shares the apartment with me. She had ordered her older brother to dump my stuff on the balcony, in the snow, while I was out. I still don't understand how she thought it would be OK to evict her father from his appartement, and that I would comply. But when she saw the lock, she started to cry and left to stay 3 weeks with the friend. After 3 weeks, her friend said that was enough and that she had to go back and stay at my place with me and her brother.
Her mum reminded her by email, that all she had to do was talk to her or apologize and she could come back to the house. She told her mum that she is tired of apologizing for things and that it is the mother who has to apologize to her instead (for what, she won't tell her). I have never heard my ex-wife ask my daughter for an apology about anything. This was the first time. If anything my ex-wife is quite a tolerant person, in fact too tolerant one could say.
Presently she is camping out in the living room of my apartment under cramped conditions and is refusing to negotiate with either me or her mum. I cannot have her living there indefinitely and have repeatedly asked her to just talk to her mum or find her own place. She did end up taking the bank job and is able to afford a modest rent.
We are at a loss as to how to handle the situation with my daughter as she is not flexible. I don't really want to force her out but I have given her 4 months to find another accommodation or to address her issues with her mum or with me. For the moment she is refusing to budge or talk constructively to us and continues acting out. She pays no rent or utilities at the apartment except for her own food. On the other hand I think that it is maybe time for her to grow up and to become an adult and learn to be appreciative, and that a belated adolescent outburst went too far.
She still refuses to this day to communicate with her mum stating that her mum has first to apologize. I don't know what she is complaining about and don't think that her mum should apologize - for what? She gives no details, just this blanket demand. The long term issues that she is complaining about are not going to get resolved if she doesn't want to enter into a discussion and even seek a free therapeutic advice.
We did already try family therapy in the past but after a few sessions the therapist said that the two older kids were not invested in it or interested to solve issues with us.
How can I convince my daughter that it is in the interest of the whole family to communicate our issues without me resorting to drastic measures like forced eviction?