How to get a 3.5-year-old to dress up in the morning?

Question

I'm having a hard time recently with my 3.5-year-old where I struggle to get him out the door in the morning without multiple tantrums and cries.

He usually gets up on his own and comes to my room where we snuggle a bit. Then we eat breakfast together, and after that I breastfeed his 4-month-old baby sister. Then things seem to go downhill from there. He does everything to avoid to get dressed and I have a hard time finding an appropriate response that will not just make us even more late.

For example, we used to have time outs, but in the morning he will exploit this to gain time and stay in the house longer. I struggle to find a direct consequence to apply when his behaviour becomes bad. For example, taking a toy away doesn't seem to affect him, neither is trying to get him to understand that the later we leave, the later I will get him at night (once in daycare he usually has a good time and is in no hurry to leave). He doesn't have TV time on week days so I can't remove this either. At night things go much better but we have some things he likes that we can use as leverage (dessert, story time). It seems inefficient to use those as a consequence of his behaviour in the morning because I'm not sure that he would be able to understand the connection.

After a while he will calm down, get dressed and then the rest of our routine goes smoothly. I must admit I often end up getting frustrated and under the impression that I'm playing in the same game that he sets me up day after day. I must regain control of this power struggle. Any suggestion?

Answer 1

I've recently had limited success in this area with my 3 year old (compared to zero success in the past). We have a magnetic white board with all the morning routine activities - potty, breakfast, toy time, clean up toys, brush teeth, get dressed, etc (this set). He gets to help order the activities but he now understands that if everything gets done quickly there's extra toy time before it's time to leave. We don't move on to the next thing until the previous is done. When he starts investigating every piece of lint and dirt on the carpet I remind him that the clock is 'eating' his toy time. When I start to get frustrated I tell him that I need a time-out and sit on the steps to do some deep breathing. (Putting him in time-out was a huge futile effort. Now I put myself in time-out and he knows I'm at my breaking point). He gets very upset when we need to leave right after getting dressed but is catching on to how his time choices impact our morning. In the end, it takes the same amount of time as going through the power struggle but is way less frustrating for me and he does seem to be learning.

Answer 2

I'd switch up the order. Make him get dressed before breakfast. If he takes too long, he misses breakfast. That's a consequence he can understand, close enough to the time of getting dressed.

Answer 3

He has learned that being late gets your attention, even if it is the wrong king of attention.

Try to find something that he really enjoys and involves you, preferably something that can be done near your nursery. If he gets ready in time, you arrive earlier than needed at the nursery and he has his game; but if he delays the process he will loose it. Soon enough, he will understand that he gets better results by being on time than late.

Answer 4

I go through this periodically with my 6 year old. At one point, the situation you describe was the routine. We say, "It's time to get dressed, pick out some clothes." And he says, "NOOOOOO!", and flops on the floor. After some kicking and screaming, name calling, and alone time in his room, he would get up, get dressed, and calmly walk out as if nothing had happened. Or, he appears to comply, but when he goes into his room, proceeds to read, build Lego fortresses, or hide in his closet until we come looking for him. Then comes the reminder, then the kicking and screaming, followed at some point by dressing himself.

Sometimes, you just have to put up with it, but there are definitely things you can proactively do to improve the situation. Having some choice seems to help. "Do you want to get dressed right now, or in a minute?" "Do you want to do it, or would you like me to do it?". These types of options really help when tantrums are brewing, but before he goes critical.

What really, really helps, is a consistent routine, and starting earlier if there are consistent issues being late. This at the very least reduces the fallout, if not the stress and pressure that can push both sides over the edge.