Explaining to children about one parent's silent treatment of the other

Question

My wife is an emotionally abusive partner (a few details in this question). Our marriage is likely to end in the next few months, but though I have moved out we have both said that we will work on the marriage (though my wife has not really done so). One of my wife's standard abusive behaviours is the silent treatment.

At present the two of us and our two children (8 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy) are spending time together for a few days. It is night where I live and my wife and I just had an argument, including the usual resort to threats from her side. I know that tomorrow morning she will be in full blown silent treatment mode and may also start to passive aggressively tell the kids "do whatever you want", you decide, etc. which always freaks them out.

When they witness fights, I always ask them later if they are scared, and tell them that we will not be going anywhere, and that it is ok to be scared and sometimes I also get scared, but they'll be all right. However, this time they have not witnessed the fight. I am thinking of telling them anyway. However, they may then ask their mother, who might then try to threaten them into silence (though she generally does not do this) or otherwise tell them that their father is having issues. This places them in a tough position between both parents. But not saying anything leaves them completely unable to understand my wife's passive aggression, which is obviously is very frightening for them.

What would you suggest I should do?

EDIT: I should explain that the "silent treatment" doesn't mean being silent - it means aggressively hostile behaviour, ignoring people when they speak to you, swearing under one's breath, wearing an expression of constant disgust etc.

Answer 1

Being emotionally available to your children is probably the best thing you can do for them in such a situation. Make time just for them, and make it about them. Regardless of what your goals for the marriage are answer any questions they have as honestly and as simply as possible.

Kids:

"Why isn't Mom talking to you?"

You:

"Mom is very angry/scared/etc. about X, and is having a very hard time with it. I am very angry/scared/etc. too, but we are trying to work it out. We love you and are not angry/scared/etc. because of/at you."

Since the children's ages are so different, it might be best to give a very general explanation like this to them together, and provide more appropriately designed answers to each privately, depending on their level of interest and capacity.

However, if they aren't asking about that specific behavior, it may not be necessary - or even helpful - to try explaining it.

P.S. It sounds like help is in order, maybe even professional help. Explaining the reasons for abusive behavior to your children will not help them cope with it or undo any damage that occurs. Support for each of your will be especially important if your marriage is ending.

Answer 2

I fear your children will learn your wife's method of dealing with strife or rebuff or setback. You might start documenting such incidents for possible future use in legal proceedings concerning custody. You might explain to your children that there are various ways of dealing with such situations, some more productive than others. You might help your children practice more productive approaches as occasions arise. Perhaps you can find age appropriate books with examples of more productive approaches. Positive role models are very helpful, at all ages.

This book has some ideas (mainly discussing situations you may see or be part of): Raising Independent, Self-Confident Kids: Nine Essential Skills to Teach Your Child or Teen by Wendy L. Moss PhD and Donald A. Moses, MD Published by the American Psychological Association, 2018.

Answer 3

I don’t think it’s necessary to say that you had a fight, per se - there have been a few times when it was obvious to my son that my husband and I were in a very bad place with one another emotionally, and what we have done is to say, “mom and dad are upset with each other right now, but it is not your fault, and it’s not something for you to worry about. We love you, and we’re going to work it out ourselves when we can.”

Answer 4

I would wait and see how the morning or day goes. If your children seem to notice and wonder, you can still say something along the lines of

Mommy is still angry with daddy. We had an argument last night when you were asleep. [further explanation as needed]

But I wouldn’t necessarily start their day with a message like that.