Should I stop the visits of my infant's in-and-out father?

Question

My son is nine months old and his father has seen him 10 times and recently has been cancelling his visits. We do not have custody in place but there is child support.

I'm not sure if I should just cut him off or let him keep making plans and cancelling. My son is also afraid of him - he cries and it takes an hour for him to get used to him each time he visits, but he only stays for 2 hours.

I have offered him to stay at my house 1 night a week. This weekend was supposed to be the first time and he cancelled.

We have no relationship. I did want to be with him, but he’s not a stable person he works at McDonald's. Has no education, dropped out of school in 10th grade, he was doing his GED then stopped. Lives with his mom and uncle in a 2 bedroom apartment and sleeps in the same room as his mom when she’s not in rehab for her drug alcohol, seizures problems. He doesn’t have a license or permit, he’s almost 23, he says he doesn’t smoke weed anymore, but if you don’t then why do you have no money left out of your paychecks? I know how much he makes due to court ordered child support and I know how much he has left.

I just looked at my dates that he has come to see him because I write them down. It’s only been 7 times and he has off work Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s off from work and now every Saturday and his excuses that he can’t come are "oh my mom had seizures", meanwhile his mom is in rehab 2 hours away, I got called into work I call each time and they say he’s off today visiting his son, I don’t have money to come out there. He pays no bills besides his phone bill which I know is only $50 because I used to pay it when we were together, so how don’t you have money to come out here he lives 20 min away.

He says he would be here every day if I would let him and I told him he could, but he always comes up with excuses on why he can’t come. I have tried everything but he shows no interest in him, he never texts or calls about him even when he’s asking me when he can come. He knows nothing about him. I don’t feel the need to tell him if he never asks. I recently had to take our son the the Hospital with a very high fever, he didn’t text back until the next day and all he said was “OK👌”

Should I stop his visits?

Answer 1

It sounds like you have a lot of bad feelings towards the father based on your past experiences with him. If you can, try to set those aside and think about what is best for your son, and what is reasonable to expect from his father. You might also want to think about the possibility that the father’s desire to not be around you might be the thing making him cancel.

It sounds to me like you need to sit down with the father and talk to him about what he sees as his role in the child’s life. You should describe to him the effects that you already see on your son from his father’s visits being so infrequent and brief. Ask him if his not wanting to see you is preventing him from seeing his son - if the answer is yes, there isn’t all that much you can do when the baby is this age (especially if breast feeding), but you can tell him that if he practices taking care of the baby by himself (while you’re on call) then he can take the baby out somewhere without you. Say, to a park or for a walk, and eventually maybe back to his apartment for a night here and there. This is all complicated by dad’s not having a car - it would be good if getting a car is at least a down-the-road goal for him, and it wouldn’t hurt to ask about that.

In talking to him, it would probably help to stress that time passes very slowly for kids. If Dad visits every 3 weeks or so, that might be more frequently than he sees most of his friends, but it feels like an eternity to a child. Again, though, it depends what kind of role he wants to have in your son’s life and whether he’s willing to recognize and uphold the commitment.

Bottom line- the father has legal parental rights and you can’t cut him out unless a court sees a legitimate reason to do it. All you can do is talk to him to encourage and help him be the best parent to your son that he can be. Be your son’s advocate. It’s also possible that he does not want to be active in your son’s life, and if so it might be hard for him to say so, and you’ll need to make sure he understands that it is safe for him to say that to you, that you’ll treat it as reality and deal with it, and not get angry. At the same time, don’t stop being your son’s advocate. Tell his father (if) you think it would be good for your son to have his father around and why.

Answer 2

You cannot cut him off legally. You would need a court order. Not sure where you live, but in the state of CA if there is no court order and the father decides to take the child he can do so. And he can do so until there is a court date (which takes about 5-6 months). Be very careful because not even law enforcement can take the child back unless again there is a court order.

I suggest you take him to court. You will first go to mediation with the father and agree. If you dont agree bring proof. Document everything, texts, emails, and all the above because you can provide this to the mediator and they will make a recommendation and the judge will take that and place an order based on the mediator recommendation.

Sorry if this sounds gross or disrespectful, but if he doesn't want to be your son's father then don't force him. One day there will be a another man who would take that role. Believe me there are men out there like that in this world.