My 10 year-old grandson hits, pushes, kicks and spits on my 7 year-old grand-daughter. He has ADHD. When she complains, he always says it’s not his fault, that it was a accident or she got in the way either when he was moving his arms or spitting, although last week he did admit that she was aggravating him so he hit her. Just yesterday he stabbed her with a pencil leaving a small bruise and scratches on her back.

He also tells stories (lies). I’ve tried everything from talking to him about the problem, talking to him in a positive focusing on him & how great he is, taking away TV time to recently spanking him. Nothing helps. I do correct her if she is aggravating him, but the main point I’m trying to make with him is it is never acceptable to hit a girl. Never!
I’ve told him if she is aggravating him to please come tell me and I will handle the situation.

He’s a good boy and is super intelligent, excelling in his school work. A very loving and sweet child other than this issue. When I have taken TV or electronics away from him, he gets so mad and gives me horrible looks and will tell me he is mad. Gripping his fist like he’d want to hit me. I am at the end of my wits.

Both parents are divorced and neither really focuses on the kids. I have them 2-3 nights a week and my husband and I spend more time with them than their parents. We try to be a positive influence on them since their parents don’t make the kids their priority. We spend time with them, going for walks etc. I know this was long and apologize. Please any advice is needed.

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    Is he 10 or 12 years old? – Anne Daunted Dec 10 '17 at 13:55
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    I'd probably adjust your message to him slightly: It is never acceptable to hit ANYONE. You don't want to spend years getting him to finally not hit her, only to hit others instead. – Tas Dec 10 '17 at 22:26
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    Why is it only never acceptable to hit a girl? Shouldn't the same be true for anyone, except in extenuating circumstances? – OldBunny2800 Dec 12 '17 at 2:53

This sounds like something a behavioural interventionist or therapist should be handling directly since this is pretty extreme behaviour. This is definitely beyond the scope of the average person, so don't feel bad if you're not sure what to do or are overwhelmed.

Intervention for Conduct Disorder (not necessarily what his deal is, however) in children is usually cognitive behavioural therapy, which targets communication & problem solving skills, impulse control and anger management, unlearning inappropriate behaviours, promotion of prosocial and socially acceptable behaviours, and cognitive reframing.

With boys it should be noted that depression can manifest itself as irritation, restlessness and rage outbursts (externalization of emotion), whereas girls tend to internalize and mask it. If parental neglect is a factor then I would not be surprised if there were some resentful emotion inside him that doesn't know how to express itself healthily. I would insist to the parents that they smarten up and involve themselves more so that others don't have to compensate for their neglect. Maybe suggest to them that he needs counseling or some form of professional support so that he does not escalate his behaviour, endangering himself or others.

There is a 2004 documentary on Conduct Disorder on youtube called 'Hold Me Tight, Let Me Go' that documents some extreme cases in a private school for problem behaviour, maybe it would be of interest. Best of luck OP

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