How can stop my parents from treating me as a kid

Question

Good morning everyone. Thanks in advance if you read all the following.

I have turned 21 this year and yet, my parents still consider me as a little child.

For example, they call me everyday at 7 P.M if I don't come home from work. I have to call them beforehand if I want to go out unbothered, or else they will call me every 10 minutes or so, with eventually the help of my older brother threatening me if I don't answer. I have nothing to hide but it's very VERY annoying having to tell my family what I'm doing every evening.

They really want to have total control and knowledge of what I do, at any time. They also want me to ask them when I want to buy something (with my money), and if they don't want to we keep arguing and basically I have to convince them.

Also, if they want me to come home immediately and I don't, i will get a fight with them the precise moment I come home. Speaking of which, my parents DO NOT SLEEP until I'm home. So psychologically I'm also tempted not to be out for too long, because I love them and I don't want them to feel too bad or to get to angry. They are quite old.

They wake me up at morning if i wake up late for work, they yell at me if i'm still awake late in the evening.

If they could, they'd take all my spendings and only give me about what I need to eat, and manage the rest of my money themselves (yes they already told me that seriously).

I have to say that I pay for about 75% of our total house spendings (mostly debts), which means that I cannot move out for the moment. That also means that I am not dependent of them, it's the other way around.

I am really tired of this. I feel like I have no independance at all, and the more it goes the more pissed I am when I interact with my parents. I don't want to talk to them a lot, I just do what they ask me to and the rest of the time I barely talk to them. So this is really poisonous for our relationship and house life.

I know that this behavior shows that they care for me, and that they love me, but I really want this to stop. I want them to understand that they should not call me if I'm not home at 7p.m., and that all decision I take is mine and only mine. I want simply to have the freedom of doing what I want, without having to ask for their approval first.

I already feel kind of stuck in my life because most of my earnings go into my parents debts, them being tired, and unable to find a decent work. For the moment I cannot search for a wife because I do not have a good situation. But I just want freedom for now, that's all i ask for.

I feel like they lack confidence in me, and still think I am 12 years old. this didn't help for my self-confidence. I do not smoke, nor do I drink. I don't make foolish actions. I feel that I live responsibly enough to take my decisions in life alone.

How can I make them understand that they should let me breathe ?

Answer 1

I think you have 2 problems here. The solutions are related and each is going to take some work.

First, you will always be your parents' child. That will never change. The problem isn't that you are their child, but rather that they are having a hard time transitioning their relationship with you. It takes work for your parents to stop seeing you as their little boy who they've always had to look out for and start seeing you as a capable adult. In order for this to happen, you are going to have to convince them you are that adult. I would recommend both showing it through your actions and by trying to have a conversation about this when everyone is calm. See if you can determine why they don't seem to trust you out of their sight. Show what you have done to be a responsible, independent adult that can get by without requiring their help.

The second problem I suspect is tied to the first problem. Given what you've said about your financial contribution to the household, it sounds like you are everyone's meal ticket there. And they are probably, at some level, afraid that you might move out. And if you leave, they (and their current lifestyle) are screwed. Thus the fighting and trying to control you. If you never get a wife or find a social life and are constantly worried about them, you are (to their thinking) less likely to leave. They are leeching off you. And don't kid yourself into thinking they aren't.

How you handle the second problem is highly dependent on what you are willing to do. If you are willing to move out on your own, you can either just do that and get out of their reach or threaten to do so unless they can start treating you with more respect. (Note: if you go down this path, you MUST be prepared to actually move out. Threatening and relenting or moving out then back in will just end up digging you into a bigger hole. They will just learn that your threats are empty or that you aren't ready to be a responsible adult and that they were RIGHT to be so controlling.)

If you aren't ready to take that step, one option is to try and work out some compromises with them. This will take some carefully timed conversation with some carefully thought out arguments. You will have to determine what you are willing to put up with, what you can compromise on and what is absolutely unacceptable. Depending on how they respond will determine where you go next. If you can all get to an acceptable place, great. Problem solved. If you can't or they don't respect the agreement you reached, then you have a choice to make. You can either just put up with everything. Or you can move out (or put up with everything long enough to be able to move out).

Ultimately, you have a boundary setting problem here. How to do that has been discussed on this site many times (usually by @anongoodnurse). Do some research on that and work on setting boundaries with your parents.

_{I know you said your parents are having trouble finding work. I wouldn't worry about that too much. People tend to get off their butts and get really serious about finding a new job when they are running out of options to fill their bellies. As long as you enable them to be lazy and make a half-hearted job search, they will likely never be motivated to get serious about it.}

Answer 2

It's time for you to move out of the house.

It's fine if you decide to set up an automatic deposit to their savings account, but that is your choice.

Make a point of chatting on the phone periodically, but warn them to not be startled or offended if you send them to voice mail if they call you at an inopportune time. If calls get to be chronic, tell them that you will block their calls.

If they want to make a tradition of Sunday Dinner or Saturday barbecue that's ok too. Up to you to decide how much parent you want in your life. If they nag you be blunt: "I don't care to discuss my buying an IROC. My money. My life."

As a parting inspiration: Billy Joel, "My Life"