Which approach is appropriate to manage a 14-year old boy that constantly ignores his parents?

Question

I have recently had the worst problems with my son ever. Since two and a half years he is non-stop ignoring rules and being cheeky to me and my wife.

At first we thought that this kind of behaviour was totally normal, puberty and stuff. Here are some examples of whatis so annoying about his behaviour:

• He ignores when we call him for lunch, dinner, etc, and always comes five minutes after we called him. He definitely is doing this on purpose.

• He keeps talking back when we tell him to learn and do his homework for school.

• When we tell him to get off the computer because we need it (we only have a family computer) he ignores us until we plug it out, then he gets really angry

• He keeps argueing about things that were already decided, even when he knows he has no chance of convincing us. The main topic is that we don't allow him to have a smartphone, I have been interested in computers since 30 years now and I really see the problems of constant internet access.

The problems is that he seems to be ignorant to all punishments, he jus ignores it and behaves extra bad when we e.g. take away his computer access. We tried to approach to him by giving him some of the things he really wanted (IPod touch, until he broke it and we refused to buy a new one) but that made it only worse, he seemed to think that ennerving us would help him reach his targets.

What is an appropriate approach. I don't like it to do nothing since I know that this behaviour won't disappear tomorrow, but we definitely won't go to a psychatrist, this is no alternative.

Please suggest effective punishments and possibilities to deal with this behaviour.

Answer 1

The teenage years can be so challenging. When things get stuck, as you've described, it can be helpful for the parent to take a step back and make an inventory of the child's strengths, and the strengths of the parent-child relationship. For the latter, it can be helpful to focus on what common ground you have, and have had, over the years.

As a parent, I've found that the best discipline is built on a strong rapport. The books that have helped me the most are Between Parent and Child and Between Parent and Teenager by Haim Ginott, and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Here's a quote from the last title I listed:

It seemed to us that it was the parent's duty to "set the child straight," explain why some of his schemes were foolhardy and unrealistic.

Now we understand that the outside world is only too quick to clip wings, and that it is the parent's privilege to nourish his child's dream.

Technology has brought new challenges since those four books were published. Here's a resource I've found helpful for conflicts around technology: https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tech-talk-tuesdays/. It's a weekly email that gets my son and me thinking and dialoguing around technology.

For your specific conflicts related to technology, I have two thoughts for you to consider:

• Set up a computer filter with time limits. The advantage of this is that the computer will close his account for you at the end of the prescribed time limit.

• If you decide to purchase a technology item for your child, realize that there is a certain risk that it will break, stop working, or get lost. Before buying it, plan ahead for what your replacement policy will be.

For the problem of late arrivals home, I have sometimes offered a simple reward for getting home on time. These rewards are extremely simple, varied, and not offered each time. Also, sometimes I give a reward for arriving home on time, without having offered it ahead of time.

Once in a blue moon I threaten a negative consequence, but it has to be rather weird to work. Here's one that worked for me recently: "If you're not home at the time you said, today, I'm going to clean your ears." (My son, at 14, consistently wants to clean his own ears now.)

One of my cardinal rules for myself that I try very hard to never break is never humiliate or embarrass the child in front of others.

Disciplining a teenager can be tremendously challenging, but also rewarding.

Answer 2

At 14 he is 2-4 years away from being considered an adult in some cultures, so it's time to start treating him more like an adult

• Dinner: That's not unusual, you can start without him. Or introduce a new rule that the last one who arrives cleans the dishes - and the first one has to set the table. If he breaks the dinner rules, no dinner.
• Homework can be unpopular, sounds normal.
• When at the computer, he might be doing something which can't be easily interrupted without him feeling a sense of loss. I suggest a rule: Set a clock when you need the PC, to 5 or 10 minutes. Inform him when you start the clock. If he's still at the PC when the clock goes off, he's banned from the PC for 24 hours. Let him negotiate - if he says he needs 15 minutes this one time, set the clock to 15 minutes that one time.
• When he's facing peer pressure to get a smartphone, arguing about it is his only way to reach his goal. Provide another way. You can't (and IMO shouldn't) forbid him from owning a smartphone at 14, but you can let him pay for the phone and the charges himself. He can save his allowance, ask his grandparents and other gift-givers to pool their money for a bigger present, or look for a holiday job. Make sure he gets a prepaid plan so any loss is limited when he falls for any of the multiple kinds of smartphone related frauds - if he ends up with a $1000 bill you need to pay for him you're the one demanding $1000 from him, which is exactly the situation you do not want.

I actually recommend a similar approach for the PC (< $400), the iPod-equivalent (< $50), etc - he can buy one. That way you don't have to worry if he breaks it. When he breaks the things he earned himself, he's already punished himself, and you can be there for him, build a positive relationship, and there's no expectation for you to replace what's broken.

Answer 3

This is entirely normal.

And I have to say I think your approach in looking for punishments is entirely misguided - you can see that it isn't working already. The teenage brain is not going to work like yours - you need to work out what does make a difference.

Encouragement and positive reinforcement are going to work much better for you than punishment!

Answer 4

Looking at the points you mentioned, I found that you are concerned about his punishments. But punishment is not the only way you can sculpt your kids. Spend some time with him, tell him that you love him and see the changes. This does not mean to avoid punishing 100%. Maintain the communication and the balance between things and so that he can feel you are trustworthy. Try some positive parenting techniques and obverse the changes you see in him. Hitting your son would not solve an issue, he might be get used to it and behave aggressively. Rather you should try some positive parenting techniques to overcome his naughty behavior. I have read an article on positive parenting and it was quite helpful. Sharing with you if it helps - http://www.mommybloggersclub.com/positive-parenting-parenting-todays-teenagers/