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I do not know where else to ask for the advise. I need someone to point me what to do. My situation:

  1. I am pregnant, ~ 3 months. I did not know about this pregnancy because I was taking contraceptions - mini pill for many years and I did not have periods since I started to be on a pill. So until now I did not have any special signs that "smth is not right", besides occasional nausea and sickness.

  2. I am Phd student in US, I earn very little ~$1900/month which is enough to cover living and food. I have debts from my BS/MS degree (~ 50K loan) and I have no savings.

  3. I am not a US citizen, just international student from Belarus.

  4. The father of the baby is visiting student from Turkey. He does not want to do anything with this baby, he just stopped replying on my calls. He will leave US in 3 months to go back to his country. He will not marry me, will not help me in any way. He made it very clear.

  5. I do not have family. My dad left the family when I was 2 years old, so I never knew my father, and my mother recently died. I have no siblings, nobody else to help me.

  6. I am 32 years old.

It seems that it is too late to think about abortion. But what will I do with a baby? I have no money, no home, nobody to help me, at all.

I will not be able to give my baby for adoption. I want to keep him/her, but I need some years to finish Phd and find a job to be able to provide housing and food for a baby.

Are there any government facilities that help women in such situations? Like could I give my baby to some temporary orphanage with the requirements that I will take my baby back in 5 years or so? Also I want to visit my baby all the time. I just cannot provide anything for my baby now so I need a help. I need to study/work, make money, so I obviously cannot sit at home and watch out a baby. And I cannot leave baby alone.

I do not know where to go and what to do. But I will not be able to give my baby away for adoption. I just won't be able to do it... But how how on earth can I deal entirely on my own??? Where to seek help?

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    IMHO, pregnancy is as much a part of being a parent as dealing with behavioral issues. I know than many people will disagree with me, but having held my first child after his/her miscarriage at 8 weeks, I cannot in good conscience agree that this should be closed. I was as much a parent at 3 months gestation as I am now with two healthy offspring. – pojo-guy Oct 12 '17 at 3:55
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    Apologies for asking this (which pains me as the father of two) but why did you rule out abortion? You're in your first trimester. Realistically you can safely abort up to the second trimester. I hope you get the help you need. – Xander Oct 12 '17 at 6:36
  • You might also have to check your visa status, if you, for example, decide to stop or suspend your PhD. A lawyer (see if you can find a free service) should be able to discuss this with you. – Stephie Oct 12 '17 at 11:25
  • "and my mother recently died" - any chance that you have inherited an apartment back in Belarus? You could consider moving. – alamar Oct 12 '17 at 15:50
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    Also, given what you wrote, I'm inclined to believe an abortion is not totally out of the question for you. I would go to a doctor and ask him/her about it, so that at least you know if it's a possibility or not. – Radu Murzea Oct 12 '17 at 20:23
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Your resident visa affects the advice which follows, but not by much.

There are government agencies that can help you with the financial aspect (e.g. you would qualify for financial and food aid under "Woman, Infants and Children" Program. You might qualify for Medicaid, TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), etc. Your daycare while you continue your education might be paid for as well.

After investigating all these options, investigate churches nearby. You will sometimes find a church where, say, five families commit to taking care of your baby five days a week (one day each). They will feed and clothe the infant/child, provide toys and stimulation, etc. Ask, and you may be surprised to receive!

7

There are many crisis pregnancy centers in the USA. Google "crisis pregnancy center near me". This is exactly what these folks do. They are not always well funded, but they care enough to volunteer their time for this purpose and are well connected with other people who care enough to put their own time and resources on the line to help out.

USA does not have an orphanage system like former soviet nations, for example. There is foster care, but there is always a surplus of children and shortage of foster families. Normally, foster children have been removed from their home due to parental malfeasance or health.

Some people are able to arrange "open adoptions", in which the child is adopted by a family but the mother becomes apart of the extended family. Crisis pregnancy centers would be the best place to get information on this and other options.

6

Go see your advisor. It may be possible for you take on additional projects to get more fundings or lower your research responsibilities so you can get a side job. Also, most big US universities have structures in place to help student mothers (affordable child care...).

If you absolutely cannot pursue your PhD as a single mother, you can always find a good job thanks to your MS and go back to grad school when your situation is more stable.

Best of luck.

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    +1: "Go see your advisor." – anongoodnurse Oct 12 '17 at 16:27
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    Agree - some universities even provide maternity leave and childcare options for their grad students, or at least a mechanism to take leave of absence. – user29147 Oct 12 '17 at 19:47
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I'll go the unpopular route and broach two subjects that most will disagree with but here goes...

Maybe it would be a good idea to involve the father's family in this matter. As you mentioned, you're all alone in the world and your child's grandparents might be interested to know that they have a grandchild. Being not too familiar with Turkish culture, this might be an annoyance for the father's family but you got nothing to lose. They could be interested in being part of their grandchild's life and even support you financially for the right to see their grandchild.

Next you need to consider what's more important at this point of your life. Finishing your PhD or raising your child. I have friends in academia that chose to have a child and never got to finish that PhD. Don't get me wrong, they're happy but they tell me that it bothers them that they haven't finished it yet.

If you decide to put your child over your degree, then follow the advice stated in the other post and get maternity leave and reduced workload.

If you decide to pursue your degree then perhaps look into Planned Parenthood and see if they operate in your state. They could advise you further on the process and what you can do at this stage.

Being a single mother is hard. I have many patients that are single mothers and struggled greatly in their lives by putting their careers and lives on hold for many years.

Ps. I know that abortions are a touchy subject. If my answer is regarded inappropriate for this SE, then please let me know and I can edit it if needed.

  • Imho, while abortions are a touchy subject, I see nothing that rules them out per se here. Checking all options is, first of all, a way to make a well-informed decision. You might also be interested in this meta post, discussing advisable procedure when disagreeing with an asker's premises. I feel the same principle applies to answers. – Stephie Oct 12 '17 at 16:23
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    Planned Parenthood will be useless in this situation unless the OP is seeking an aboution. I'm not pushing the "all they do is abortions" stance, but I'm saying they would probably encourage an abortion or say nothing. – anongoodnurse Oct 12 '17 at 16:27
  • @anongoodnurse I am saying exactly that. if she decides to abort, Planned Parenthood can do that. I didn't wanna say it but 1 + 1 = 2 – Xander Oct 12 '17 at 17:13
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    Some Planned Parenthood clinics provide prenatal care (or can give referrals to other local clinics), which could help with medical costs should OP decide to keep the baby. – user29147 Oct 12 '17 at 19:43
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    @Xander - This is a parenting forum, not a how-to-prevent-parenting forum. -1 from me. "I want to keep him/her, but I need some years to finish Phd and find a job to be able to provide housing and food for a baby. ...Are there any government facilities that help women in such situations?" Your entire answer is only about one option. – anongoodnurse Oct 12 '17 at 20:25

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