What do I do about my abusive father?

Question

I'm 16 years old and live in the UK. My father has been physically and verbally abusing me for as long as I could remember, e. g. he punches, hits or slaps me. It's only been reported once to the police but in reality it's been happening all my life.

He abuses me, my mother and my sister. My mum is always too afraid to report it to the police. Growing from an Asian family it's hard for parents to show affection for their children and they are extremely strict, but the violence is unnecessary.

I found my father beating up my mother in the morning, it's what woke me up. This was reported to the police because I urged my mother, but because they couldn't find any bruises they're not taking immediate action. I hate talking to the police and am petrified of them.

As my father owns the house he can stay for as long as he pleases, until the police come to interview him. He's been staying for almost three days and I've been too scared to see him so I stayed with my cousins.

Today I wanted to come home so I could do all my schoolwork that is on my computer at home, but I found out my father was still home. I called my mum and asked if she could ask him to leave as I am scared and feel unsafe being alone with him in the house. Instead, she screamed at me and said "there's nothing she can do?". Is it really my fault that I don't want to be alone with my abusive father? This really frustrates me about my mother and it drives me insane.

I really really don't know what to do but my schoolwork is so important to me. I just cannot stand the abuse from my father anymore, when all of this happens the part that I hate the most is that I feel bad for him. He has never done anything in my life but leave bruises on my skin. But I still feel bad for him and hate myself so much for it.

Answer 1

Call Social Services. Tell them what you told us and they will start an investigation. Despite how they are portrayed on TV, they don't often remove children from a home without first trying to work with the parents to correct the situation. I'm so sorry you have to live through this, no one should have to live through this. If I knew the names of your parents and where you lived, I'd call Social Services myself.

Hang in there.

Answer 2

I really feel sorry for your situation, at 16 you should be being a kid, hanging out with your friends and not have anything more than maybe a bit of acne and school to worry about. Unfortunately some adults do horrible things even when you love them, and ultimately that's why you feel bad for him. You do have lots of options open to you.

I would urge you to adopt a 'mindfulness' approach to the situation and bear in mind that you are only in control of your actions. You cannot force your mother to leave, report other assaults, or to press charges. Equally you cannot force your father to change his ways. If you want him to stop assaulting you (and others) then you need to act, and well done for the actions you've taken so far.

At school, your teachers all have a 'duty of care', if you're having a problem at home they are all trained in child protection and reporting and they know who to speak to and what to do. You do not have to seek out one person like a school counsellor, and you can just pick any teacher that you feel you can trust - explain your situation to them and let them take notes.

The fact that you have run away from home (even if to another family member) is very significant, a teacher may arrange for you to meet someone from Social Services, as much as you may have heard bad things about them, their job is to stop people like you from being harmed. They can do this in school time and without your parents knowing if you feel you or your sister might be in danger for reporting them.

If you're finding it difficult to start the conversation with a teacher (and I can fully understand that) then start out by asking their advice on bullying, they'll ask you some questions about who and what's happening.

If you feel that you really cannot trust your teachers then there are a number of services where you can get help.

• Childline on 0800 1111 at any time (24 hours) or https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/contacting-childline/
• NSPCC on 0808 800 5000 or https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/

The childline number is completely free, does not show up on the phone bill on most networks and it doesn't use up credit on your mobile if you have one, you can even call if you have no credit, and have a confidentiality promise that they won't tell anyone else about your situation unless you ask them to, with a few exceptions.

If you have any evidence (photographs of bruises, mobile phone footage of assaults and the like) of assaults on anyone in your home then you can contact the police or social services directly, each local authority has a safeguarding number . Evidence can also take the form of a log or diary, write & date incidents as they occur and give as much detail as you can - insults he uses as well as the physical details (for example where/how he hurts people, where it happened, and if things got broken). Even if the police do nothing this time, it all gets filed away in evidence and over time builds a strong case.

While someone is being assaulted, and if you can, dial 999 on your landline phone and just leave the line open - the operator will know your address from the caller-id and will send the police. All 999 calls are recorded and can be used as evidence by the police to press charges even if your mother decides not to - if they get lots of calls about one person's behaviour they may choose to do this.

You should not worry about your father "owning the house", that doesn't mean he can't be made to leave. Social Services and the Police most definitely can make sure that happens if they believe you or your sister are at-risk.

I'm sure there's a lot I've missed here - but the childline website has lots of great resources on this.

Answer 3

I believe that no one should have to deal with that. I myself have had to deal with my father slightly my mother yelling at me severely and that just by itself. But your case is both and I believe that you should try and call your local social services to ask for next steps so that you wont have to deal with this abuse anymore for your sake and as it appears also your mothers sake.