Teaching my son a language he doesn't want to learn

Question

My stepson is a six-year-old native Japanese speaker. When my wife and I first met and as we started getting more serious in our relationship, we didn't put a whole lot of effort into attempting to teach him English. Every time the topic was broached he was very adamant about not learning it.

At the same time we got married, I also legally adopted him. If there came a point where my wife, his mother, who speaks Japanese and English, was unable to be with us for a long period of time and I needed to convey something to him that was important, I would most likely need to do it English.

I am already actively learning Japanese. I take regular certification tests to note improvements and while I am a little more than conversational, I am still not quite there yet. With what I am about to ask, please keep in mind, I will continue to learn Japanese.

We have discussed this and my wife and I believe it is time that he does indeed begin to learn English. The kindergarten he goes to is already an English speaking school and he takes an hour long English program every couple of days at the same school. On top of that, I would also like to teach him at home, starting with the alphabet.

I informed him that I would begin teaching him next week and he was not so thrilled about that idea. This is not a debatable matter. Our parents had us go to school to learn about math and science and then when we got home, taught us how to clean our rooms, brush our teeth, and make our beds; all these things were a necessity. We both believe this is a necessity, not an extracurricular.

The question is: how do I coax my son to learn English while making him a willing participant?

I don't want to go the route my parents or so many other parents take when "encouraging" children to do better in school by grounding them or taking things away. This will only push him further away from wanting to learn.

At the moment, he watches a lot of T.V. Probably too much, but that's a separate issue. I was thinking of starting during the time that he watches T.V. If I take this time away though, he will be mad and discouraged from studying with me. If I don't take the time away though, we won't have very much other time to study (by the time I get home, he's already home). Does anyone have any thoughts?

Update Time:

It's been a month since I asked this question and I took a fair amount of advice from most of the questions and I have to say, we've made substantial progress; more progress than I could have ever expected.

First of all, from Stephie's answer, I stopped speaking Japanese completely and went full English. At first he continually asked me "Hey, why are you speaking English now?" but he always engaged and never ignored me. Coupled along with this answer and several other answers/comments that suggest make spending time together fun with me, I found a common activity we can do together. MineCraft!

We both really love video games and MineCraft is something we can both play, and enjoy ourselves. Since I used to play consitently for 2 years straight, I understand a lot of the mechanics of the game. This allows me to explain things to him in English while still having fun. It takes a lot of pantomiming and pointing to my portion of the screen but it works for the most part. The game also encompasses a lot of vocabulary used in the real world so it really helps when we aren't playing too!

I also noted T.E.D.'s answer and put that in the back of mind to acknowledge. Perhaps with a little one on the way, he is worried about losing some love. Mama has continually reassured him that it won't happen and I'm doing more actions that show I love him unconditionally rather than just saying it.

Also some answers noted to get out more with other English speakers. We went camping with another couple like us, English-speaking husband, Japanese-speaking wife and their daughter. My friend spoke to him in English only and we all had a good time. My son even started calling me daddy after seeing my friend's daughter say it to her daddy :-) He doesn't do it consistently but every time he does it makes me pretty happy.

Everyone, thank you for the advice and I will also welcome more answers as our progress continues. Removing the pressure and just having fun has gone a long way.

Answer 1

Yes, I do have another idea.

Most sources agree that immersion is the best way to really learn a language. So bringing your son to a school where English is the primary language is a good start. Dedicated lessons at home sound somewhat superfluous and I can see why your son resists.

You are in the rare position of being able to teach English as a (presumably native?) speaker. And have tried to talk to him in that language. So my recommendation is that you turn into the parent who speaks only English. And while in the beginning you understand answers in Japanese, this should end at some point. Use your wise judgement to determine when your son should be capable of switching to English. Be patient, repeat, explain in simpler words, use pantomime, everything is fine. And only if you really, really can't get something across, a word or two in Japanese may be ok in the beginning.

So far, this is just the standard recommendation for bilingual parenting.

But I have one strict limitation: Do not, as tempting as it may be, use the conversation to correct your son's attempts at speaking. React like you would for toddlers learning to speak: if you feel the urge to correct, either bite your tongue or gently ask for clarification by repeating the correct phrase. The child will almost automatically switch to "proper" language once it has heard and used it enough.

And of course it might be necessary to make spending time with you super alluring - find projects, go on outings, everything to make you the fun and preferred parent for a while. So the "I don't know?" of now starts to bug him and he tries to understand and participate in breaking down the language barrier. Plus you might have to remove mom from the scene. All parties know that she would be the perfect translator plus the emotional anchor whilst you are the "new one". This should give you enough practice soon, so that if your wife is really unavailable, you two boys will manage just fine.

In short: Be a partner who happens to speak another language, not a disturbing factor who wants to pressure him into some new form of exercise.

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Oh, and I'm not saying that there should be no discipline. I'm with you as far as household chores and school stuff goes. I just advise against opening another, totally unnecessary potential battlefield of conflicts.

Answer 2

Having been in a similar family position (as the child) half a century ago, it's possible he's a bit possessive of his mother, and associates your English with losing her full attention and regard. In other words, the root of this issue may not be the language itself.

In my case, I believe I got over it once grade school rather than the home became my main social milieu. However, I still got a bit resentful when they'd go on vacations without me.

Answer 3

You could ask him to help you learn Japanese better. In order to explain things to you, he will have to speak some English, while at the same time the potential reward of you speaking more Japanese with him might be a more powerful motivation. (Additionally, this provides him with an opportunity to understand learning from the other side)

Answer 4

I can give you a few data points.

The first one is my son, to whom I spoke French since he was born. I am French, we lived in another country at that time, but I knew we would be back in France (and I love my language). He simply refused to talk to me in French. I saw that he understood but did not answer in French but in the language of the country we were in.

The second one is a friend: he is French-German, his wife is French. They live in France and he decided to speak German with his children so that they learn a language from start. They refused to speak German with him, answering in French.

My guess (based on these direct experiences, and a few indirect ones) is that the children feel that this is weird to speak with one parent a specific language different from the surrounding one when that parent could speak it too. One case where three languages were in play (husband was native A, wife native B, they used C as the communication language and lived in A. The children speaking B to his mother was not a problem).

My solution was to move to France - my son started to speak fluently French within 5 days (on the Friday of his first week at the kindergarten). Lesson learned: they refuse to use the language but it possible they know it.

My friend's solution was to continue. After a few complicated years the children gave up and speak German with him. Same lesson learned.

A couple of native French friends used to speak Italian between them when they did not want the children to understand (they were fluent in Italian). One day the father said to his daughter, by mistake in Italian, "can you please switch on the light?". She got up and switched it on. Parents put back their jaws after they have fallen on the floor.

All this to say: do not give up. The kid may very well understand you but find speaking English with you weird.

Answer 5

The child needs incentive to learn. Only speak English and have great quality time with him. Go out together, cook together, have a hobby together, just make sure you're doing it together and only speak English when you do. The real world is better than sitting and flash cards, but you may find word games are also great after being able to speak the language a bit.

Don't be suprised if he understands you before being able to speak the language, as comprehension is the first step to learning the language at all.

Answer 6

"Gamification". We had a Japanese "wwoofer" ('Willing Workers On Organic Farms") staying with us some years back, and played cooperative scrabble - we all worked together to find the different possible (and highest scoring) words in every player's set of tiles. She found this both fun and a great way to increase her vocabulary. When I was doing a Language learning exchange with an older Japanese woman, I had her try all the tongue twisters I could come up with, as a pronunciation exercise. "Round and round the ragged rocks the rugged rascal ran", "She sells sea shells by the sea shore", etc.
There are whole websites (an industry, even) now about research and application of gamification to learning, so I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to make the process fun, engaging, and effective.

Answer 7

Immersion is the most effective way to learn, and it sounds like your son enjoys watching television.

So my suggestion is to allow him a set amount of Japanese television per day (30 minutes would be a good amount for example), and then a less limited amount of English television. He may be able to watch many of his favorite shows in English - for example, if he watches Pokémon, all but the most recent 15 episodes of the most recent series are available in English.

As to the root here - changing his mind as to whether he should learn it - that will undoubtedly take time. But television may well be a good tool in the toolbox for that, too; there may well be shows that catch his interest that originate in the English speaking world that he may choose to gain more fluency in order to watch. Some of those may not be (easily) available in Japanese translations.

Answer 8

The Bilingual Family: A Handbook for Parents by Harding-Esch and Riley is a very good resource, built largely around case studies. The main thing I took away was a better understanding that there's no such thing as "doing it right," or at least that society's knowledge on the topic is not yet well developed to give a strong prescription for most situations. So, read what others have tried, reflect on it with your wife and son, and choose what looks best. But some idean are more likely to work, and I offer one....

Another relevant idea I took away was, children will learn a language when they feel a motivation to know it, and primarily this motivation comes through interacting with others. So find a playgroup, or try to build one, where he can make English-speaking friends. In fact, if he's at an English-speaking kindergarten, I'm unclear on why this isn't happening. But at least it suggests there should be children from native English speaking families, and others from different backgrounds, who might be open to playdates.

Answer 9

You need to get your child get very interested in activities that require mastering the English language. Only then will your child want to learn it, given that learning English is by itself not something he feels very passionate about. Perhaps he can get into contact with children of his age who speak English fluently. Also at his age children start to get online, and the vast majority of the Internet is in English.

E.g. suppose that your child gets interested in Dinosaurs, then he'll want to read a lot about it. In this day and age the fasted way to access detailed information is via the Internet. He'll find that most information is in English and that translations by Google Translate often leads to erroneous translations. He'll have to fill in the gaps, and over time he'll want to be able to just read the original texts himself.

But interacting with friends of his age who have mastered the English language much better than he has, will also help a lot. If a friend who is also into Dinosaurs can just read the English text and explain things to him in Japanese then that will make learning English look like a lot more interesting thing to do for him.

Answer 10

By announcing "English Lessons", you'll be galvanizing him against you. I would simply speak to him in English. You'd be surprised how much more willing a participant he will be if you talk about things that are interesting to him -- like maybe going out to eat or to a movie. Figure out what is important to him and talk about it. It's a long road so pick your battles. These are cliches for a reason :) He will learn English no matter what if you and your wife speak to him strictly in English - there's no reason to force it. Maybe you can do a fun Dad and son thing once a week - like go to an English speaking movie or ball game. Your relationship is the most important thing so don't let this get in the middle of it.

Answer 11

I am in a very similar situation myself. I live in Denmark and I want my kids to speak my language (Lithuanian) too. Things are going well with a two-year-old, but a five-year-old is very reluctant. I want to share with you what works for us and what does not.

• Avoid school-like teaching. It is boring and alienating. As previous commenters have pointed out, babies don't learn language by learning alphabet. Leave teaching for school. At home, you have to have fun.

• Sing small songs and rhymes, like the itsy bitsy spider. Even though it may seem that all your efforts are going to waste, the child memorizes the lyrics and the melody. I have been singing one of the rhymes for my son with no visible result for three years. And then, when I was singing the rhyme to his little sister, he came and sang the whole song with me. It has only happened once, but I know that he carries the rhyme with him. Same with music that we listen to: I sing along, and children try to sing along, too.

• Language playdates. Children learn best from the other children. You are welcome to mediate their play and remind them to speak English. You may say to the children aloud, that even though your son doesn't speak yet, he understands perfectly - but only, if you are sure of this. This is a fine balance between pushing your child into something they haven't mastered yet, and encouraging as well as showing trust and respect. The wording "yet" is actually very important: https://youtu.be/J-swZaKN2Ic

• Just play with your child. Some of the biggest breakthroughs for us have happened after some intensive playing. Just regular childrens games, like catch, home, going to the mall, building lego and talking about what you are doing.

• It is OK to demand to say a few words or phrases in your language. For example: Good morning, good night, I'm thirsty. This way the child gets a clear idea of what you want from him, and a success feeling as well. Reward those English-moments with extra love (a smile, a hug, etc.). Some days it will go well. Other days, not so well. Don't get upset and don't make your son upset about that either. You'll do better next time.

• Hack your current routine. Watch TV with your son and talk about what you see. At the end of the day, talk about what has happened. In the morning, talk about what will happen. While you are doing something, talk about what you are doing.

• There is still a possibility that even though you do everything right, the child will refuse to speak to you in your language. That doesn't mean that you have to stop trying.

Good luck and don't give up.

Answer 12

Personally I would avoid, at least for the moment, trying to teach him language in a normal way, e.g. rules of grammar, etc., and focus more on finding things where the English language is fun and interesting. After all, many many people can speak English perfectly well without having the remotest idea what a pronoun is.

Equally if you use any sort of punishment/reward system, he will probably just associate English with being a necessary chore which requires the bare minimum of effort.

One thing to try might be books. The English language has an excellent tradition of really excellent children's books, many of which ranks as great literature in their own right, Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, etc., and many of them are available in illustrated editions which may help to bridge the language gap.

So it might be worth reading to him from these books and making the translation into some sort of game. Maybe look at the illustrations together and explain the story in Japanese and then introduce some English vocabulary.

Answer 13

And now for a rather extreme, but completely different perspective.

Below is the video of a young American woman who married a Japanese man and who moved in with his family in Japan.

See this video: https://youtu.be/lFMVPuwxLto?t=1m54s

This is the most extreme type of immersion you can find. Her ex-husband didn't speak English to her and his family couldn't speak English to her. Nor did she mix/interact with any non-Japanese speakers. And to make matters worse, both her ex-husband and his family didn't help her with any task that required Japanese, to make sure that she would have to learn the Japanese language as quickly as possible.

Again, this is a pretty extreme example, and that young woman is kind of crazy to have done something like that for a guy, but the plan itself kind of worked (the marriage itself didn't work, but at least she did become perfectly fluent in Japanese).

Now, I'm not saying you should do the same as she did, she's probably not the best role model. But let me add one more thought.

I read a book once, called "How to learn any language... something... something..." I do not remember the exact title of that book. And there are so many books with the same title on Amazon, I'm not sure which one it was. But it was written by a polyglot who spoke seven languages. His point was that adults could learn to speak a new language as quickly as any children could. The key was to do a complete immersion into the language.

One thing he recommended was to get hosted by a local family, but that by itself wouldn't necessarily work. Your host family must not know how to speak your language and must have no desire to speak your language. And local families with children are best. Children are the only strangers in the world that will keep on speaking to you in their native language, even if you don't understand a word of what they're saying. Also, children use simpler vocabulary, which makes it easier to learn and communicate in.

In other words, I know you do not feel that way right now, but I do believe that by teaching your son English, and by forcing him to attend that English Kindergarten school + that language class he's going to right now, I'm not sure that's enough English immersion for him to learn English very quickly or very well, and at the same time I think that you may be squandering a real learning opportunity for yourself.

Note that I say this as a French-born person who attended French schools in both France and the United States. French school in the United States was a real struggle for the American kids, and after a while, they would get left behind.

The one thing I would teach him though is pronunciation. Pronunciation learned early in life will train his ear and he'll be able to replicate that pronunciation much more easily later in life (according to research). For that, I'd recommend that you use movie and television shows. And that you train him by making him repeat, imitate, and memorize short quotes from some of his favorite movie/television characters. Don't limit him just to American-English, there are many types of accents in English, British-English, Australian-English, regional accents, even Russians speaking in English, French people speaking in English, etc., in addition to that, people have their own individual accents and mannerisms.

Personally, my initial objective would be to have him learn to replicate English sounds that Japanese people have real trouble saying, but that doesn't need to stop there. There are many sounds in other languages that even both Japanese and English speakers do not do at all. I would help him focus on those. This will give him an edge in any language he chooses to learn later on in life. But at the same time, it shouldn't be too much of a burden that it interferes with his Japanese education (which is difficult enough by itself).

Answer 14

Start with "swears" and other silly words

Not sure how culturally inappropriate it is in Japan, but most kids in my experience (China/USA) like to say "poop" and "underwear" and "butt" and other words. It is a silly topic for kids under 8, and they are anxious to repeat silly words.

Then, seg in to words with funny sounds like "banana" and "eggs eggs eggs" and "chopsticks!". It should be as silly as possible - and irresistible.

After a few weeks, add some verbs and adjectives. For example "smelly poop" or "big banana" or "eat eat eat eggs eggs eggs"

Meanwhile, never mention that this is English. Should just be silliness

Answer 15

You may find that few children ever want to do what there parents ask them to do. Your relationship with your child like pretty much every other inter-personal relationships is based on power.

Your child has now realised that he/she can stab you with a rhetorical dagger by refusing to speak this language that the child now realises is important to you.

You can now decide how you want to respond to the psychological warfare that all child rearing boils down to.

I personally would ignore all utterances from the child unless he speaks the language. You provide a roof, three meals a day, schooling and you take the child to the doctor when he falls ill, everything else is optional.

Maybe your child stance on the matter could be reconsidered when the new Lego movie comes out or he wants an Xbox.