being rude, disrespectful, and defiant to authority.
Well this is really all you have to go on. You could ask your son, but if he doesn't understand what wen't wrong then he won't be able to tell you.
For example, I could totally see sending a kid (or all kids home) for laughing at an adult that had a disability for hours on end. Even when told to stop, and when it was explained.
I could also see doing it if (sending kids home) if the "defiant to authority" was something like "I told you before, don't hit Suzie with the flash light" and they keep doing it and laughing about it.
I could also be ok with (though I personally wouldn't) them sending my kids home because they didn't know how to get them to behave. People have very different ideas of what's ok for discipline and what is not. I would much rather you send my kids home then spank them, for example.
Now when I would get frustrated enough to send kids home, I most certainly would not want to talk to the parents right away. I know I need to provide a reason, but "Billy did x, y and z" just isn't in me at that point. If you responded with a "but did you try.." then were in an argument as adults, and that's a really bad thing. I mean I'm already upset enough to bring kids home, Last thing I want to hear is how your son is a perfect angle, and can do no wrong. The next day, however seems like a great time to have a talk about what went wrong and what the fall out is going to be.
There are a few things to remember though:
- Unless these people are mental, your son did do something wrong in their eyes. Different people have different rules, expectations, and needs. So you might not think it was wrong, but they might find it totally unacceptable.
- Your son has already, "paid the price". Even if the neighbors come back with something that you feel is extremely bad behavior, don't issue ner punishments.
- There are many reasons to send kids home. Some are as a punishment, and some are because you don't know how to handle them. Not all of them are because the child is so bad. Maybe the parent has an issue, or is trying to correct behaviors in their own child and your got caught up in the "If you don't stop fighting, Everyone is going home."
To get this turned around into a learning situation and not just a "I have been punished" situation, your can look at and examine how different religions and cultures handle different behaviors. You can show, for example that Muslim women "cover their faces" while Christian people do not. Or that some cultures spank, and you don't. Look at history and today and point out how the same actions are though of as acceptable, and totally not acceptable to different people.
It's important to show both the actions and the punishments changing with the people in question.
Then you can explain how Mr. Neighbor though an action was bad, even though you don't. And how his "punishment" was different then you would have done. You can explain, or try to, that when your at Mr. Neighbors house, you need to follow his rules. Even if they seem weird.
Finally you should be prepared that your son is now considered a bad influence on his friend. I certainly would not let my kids hang out with other kids that I thought were a bad influence. But keep in mind that one persons idea of bad influence doesn't need to line up with another's (or line up with popular culture's ideas).