Should I cut ties with my child's father?

Question

I cut ties with my child's father because he is in and out of her life and I just feel it is unfair to her. I was 16 when I had her and he was 17. I understand that we were young, but that is no excuse to not take care of your responsibilities. My child is 4, going on 5, I had her in 2012. Her father wasn't around when I was pregnant, didn't come to the baby shower nor to the hospital when I had her. He was too busy doing other stuff. When she was about 6 months old, he started to come around and then left for Job Corps.

He has had plenty of breaks to come home but he met a girl down there and would go see her instead of visiting his child. He came to see his daughter once on a break and then I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook and started a new life with the girl he met at job corps.

It has been 2 years now since he joined job corps and hasn't seen his daughter. We saw him one day and he started talking about how he wants to be in my daughter's life, which was a lie. A few months later we spoke on the phone and he started saying all kinds of mean and hurtful things. He started to try denying she was his, claiming I was with other people when I got pregnant. I told him that I would go to court and prove it and he didn't think I could because I didn't know his social security number. I did, and he took a DNA test that proved he was her father. After that his girlfriend broke up with him.

A few months after that, he wanted to start coming back around and I allowed him to. A few months into that, his ex girlfriend announced she was pregnant by him. He opted to go back to her and cut my child out of his life again. That really broke my heart. He tried telling me he has to get himself together and that is why he can't be in my daughter's life. That makes no sense to me because he already told me how sorry he was and how we was a changed man so I let him back in.

The woman he is with doesn't support him being in my child's life or spending money on his daughter. It seems to me that he let's her tell him what to do and control the money. He used to accuse me of that as well and call me names. I believe she cheats on him and tries to make it so he can't see our daughter. I also think she has some other man listed as the father on the birth certificate for her child.

Now he again is back to saying he can't be in our daughter's life because he has no money and has to get his life together. I am at the point where I don't want him around my child because I feel like it's not good for her to have him in and out. What should I do?

Answer 1

I think most people who are experts on these situations (I am not) would tell you that the best thing you could do is leave him, for good.

I tend to disagree.

You seem more concerned with how unfair he's being to you than with how unfair he's being to her. Your daughter is not a baby. At this point, if her father disappears she is going to ask questions. She might develop self esteem or abandonment issues.

Not to mention the massively mixed signals you're sending to him. First you fought to prove he was the father and get money from him and now you're trying to push him away again.

You need to put your issues with him aside and think objectively about what is really in the best interest of the child. Does he love his daughter? Does she love him? Are you trying to punish the father or are you really thinking in the best interest of the child?

These are not the kind of questions a stranger on the internet can answer, but I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

Answer 2

If you went through the courts to establish paternity, then it seems there should be some documents that set up child support and what his visitation rights are. As such, then you don't just get to determine personally whether or not to honor those, you have to go to the court for that. The court is unlikely to grant you the right to sever his visitation rights. It is generally seen to be in the best interest of the child that they be in contact with both parents as regularly as possible and the courts will generally promote that in the judgements they make. Unless you can prove to the court that she would be in some danger to continue contact, or that he has abandoned her (not paid support, made no attempt to contact, etc) for a prolonged period (my state is two years), then there is no grounds for cutting him out. He has rights as a parent, even if he fails to use his rights most of the time.

The good news on you not making this determination is that you can look your daughter in the face and say you were never the reason her father wasn't in her life. You did not prevent him from having contact and his lack of effort was his alone. You should endeavor then to also mean that. While it may seem like it would be better, she can blame that on you later while he and she can claim they were kept apart by you. It's not fair, if in fact he isn't being a good force in her life for him to pick and choose when he wants to be present, but it happens and then you have to deal with what it creates. I would think your best move now is to seek out a counselor, for her and for you. You both could use the help in sorting out the hurt and figuring out what you want to do now. I know that as a young mom that sounds like an expense you cannot afford, but you can ask at friend of the court (if in the USA) and they can refer you to income based services. They are often free or minimal cost.

Now if you are asking if you should ever attempt to get back with him, that is another matter entirely. It seems to me that you two have a lot of back and forth history that doesn't make it likely you would be able to make a solid foundation to move forward. I wasn't clear from your question when you say he started to come around again if you meant to see her, to see you, or both. If he is also in and out of your life, I would say that should stop. You deserve more and so does your daughter. It doesn't seem like his history should in any way make you hopeful that he will settle down and stay put.