What is the role of parents in conflicts between adult siblings?

Question

Trying to keep this short, the main question is really in the title..

Background

My sister and I have a conflict which began about eight months ago, and I am currently not talking to her. We're both in our 20's, financially independent and have our own apartments away from home.

I don't have a great relationship with my parents at the moment. On several occasions my parents have expressed support for her on this issue and ... not-support for me. (For what it's worth, I feel that most of the disapproval comes from incomplete information on their side and the fact that, unlike my sister, I no longer follow their religion - not because my choices are objectively wrong.)

Recently there was an attempt at a family get-together and both my sister and I cancelled (independently of each other, but at least on my end as a result of this conflict). When I told my mother she gave me a lecture. She's told me several times I need to talk to my sister and "figure it out". (I tried, it didn't end well, which is why I'm not talking to her now.)

Main question

As a kid, it seems reasonable to bring your parents in as mediators. "Mooom, she's being mean!" and then mom says who's right and makes you apologize and make up.

As an adult, I've avoided the subject with them. It seems gossipy at best. For instance I wouldn't involve a mutual friend, because I'm sure it would make them uncomfortable and it's not fair to throw them in the middle of it. So why would I do that to my parents! In contrast, from what my mother has told me, my sister confides in her and has talked to her about her side of this conflict.

So my question is what is a parent's role in sibling conflicts, when the siblings are independent adults? What's appropriate to talk to them about? How do I deal with my sibling telling them all about their side of it?

Answer 1

I have a couple older kids & little ones. I also am one of a larger family with many siblings that has had serious conflicts as adults.

I think for my kids I would try to act. I would. I would do it more formally, like offering to pay for a mediator, etc, but I also have a good relationship with them, so it may be better received. When my siblings have had rifts, it impacts all of us deeply. It is disruptive to all family life (meaning extended family, gatherings, etc). People will opt to not attend, or they will avoid one another & make things tense or awkward and it is hard on all the people that love them, not just them.

I also believe that every situation is different and every family has it's own situation that will change things. I am not sure I would feel I had a right to assert an effort to intercede if I otherwise wasn't a positive good presence in their lives. I can tell you though as a parent, I love my children more than I love myself. If I could not have them all together in one room it would pain me. If they were unkind & unloving toward one another, that would hurt me. I have tried to raise them so that they can allow one another boundaries to be who they are and make their own choices and just have one another's back when life kicks you. I only have two grown now though so I can't say how well that has worked quite yet. I am hoping it goes better than it has for my siblings. They have had fall outs that have lasted years at times and it's very hard when you love both parties and you know there is nothing you can do to fix it.

I think as a parent to adult children, you better earn your way into their lives by being respectful, kind, considerate, etc. You have to shift the way you interact, stop trying to assert your ideas & allow them space to do their thing without feeling like they need your approval. If your parents are loving & kind & if being around them feels good, you will then be likely to care how it makes them feel when a rift exists. If however, they are pushy, critical and don't respect your boundaries, you likely would find any effort to mend things with your sister as an inappropriate intrusion. That is why I say each family is different. I think it is. I think in some families it's reasonable for parents to continue to lead the adult children in how to fix issues within siblings, at other times I think the parents are in no position to attempt that and haven't earned your trust that they are impartial, as it clearly sounds in your case.

Answer 2

The answer is going to vary with the parent; this is my opinion as a parent of now adult, financially independent, married children.

...I wouldn't involve a mutual friend, because I'm sure it would make them uncomfortable and it's not fair to throw them in the middle of it.

Your parents are in the middle of it, especially if an attempt at a family get-together fails because of a situation between your sibling and you. Your parents are suffering (trust me) because of your feud.

It's hard for a parent to let go of 'parenting', but clearly, at your age, there are a lot of things they shouldn't try to control, e.g. how you spend your money, where you live, who you date, what you believe, etc.

However, if there is a rift that significant between you and your sister, I think a parent not only has the right, but has the obligation to try to help you two fix it if possible. Not every parent feels this way. I know parents who've stayed out of their kids feuds. I know parents who've watch anything from pettiness to back-stabbing hatred fester between two siblings. I don't understand it myself. (It's possible that my profession has something to do with it. As a physician, I'm accustomed to trying to fix problems of a vary wide variety.)

If your sister is toxic to you, they should support you in your desire not to be with her and be subjected to her toxicity. But it would help them cope with this situation if you were perfectly clear on the nature of her offenses. It's not gossip when it involves them, too. Also, they've already heard one side of the story, and your mother's support of your sister and not you should not be misplaced, but how can she be fair and balanced if she only has one side of the story?

The bottom line is that I would intervene as a parent. I would ask (read: politely demand) to be told the whole story from both of my children separately, then decide how to proceed (meeting between the two of you plus an outside mediator, or between you two with a parent mediator.) Because grudges aren't healthy for people, and I want my children to be healthy and happy and loved. Not many grudges are worth keeping, especially when they affect the whole family.

_{I'm not judging you here. Some 'grudges' are worth keeping, but I wouldn't call them grudges. I'd call them keeping a safe distance from toxic people. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in families.}