I've read a lot about giving children the freedom to choose between acceptable choices, to make them feel like they have some control over things and hence reduce tantrums. And I was pretty convinced by its effectiveness.
Until my 3.5 years old nephew was offered a choice between A, B and C, and he immediately chose D. Cue tantrum, because his mother couldn't/wouldn't allow for it. Here are all the variables in the scene:
- He'd been coughing for a long time, so his mum decided it was time to use the inhaler mask. He resisted like he always does, so she offered him the choice : "who gets to hold the mask to your face - you can choose between me, dad, and aunt". He immediately says nobody. Mom offers, "So do you mean to do it yourself?" And he explains, "NO!! I said nobody!". (I may be imagining it, but he said it with a smirk so he knows this is a way out and is using it well) That wasn't an option, of course and it blew into a tantrum.
- Not using the inhaler mask "to show him the consequences" wasn't an option. He'll cough his throat dry, but still won't realize he needs it or ask for it himself.
- They've only recently started the choice system, somewhere after his 3rd birthday. Before that, they just used to tell him he's got to do {stuff}, he'd say no, they'd reiterate the same thing, he'd still say no and so on. His parents have always had to plead, distract, trick, and scold him into doing anything and almost always takes a LOT of time.
- He's generally a stubborn kid who has the toughest time transitioning from one activity to another.
There has been at least one other time where giving him a choice didn't work. It was about having to go out and getting to choose a shirt. Is he too old for the choice system? Did they start too late? Why isn't it working?
And what should the parent do when the child insists on an option that wasn't offered? We can say that's not allowed and all that, but how do we avoid a tantrum while we're denying the child his choice?