0

When my daughter spends time with her dad she becomes a horrible brat on her return. I wonder if it does more harm than good for her to be with him.

He is very loving towards her, but not mature at all. He is 45, and at present homeless. He gives her anything she wants (that he can provide, which is not much) when he sees her. No discipline. No teaching. No role modeling. And then at home later it is HELL.

We used to live with him but it became unbearably bad. I broke up with him for constant psychological abuse and manipulation due to his mental illness. He never worked or showed healthy affection to me in front of her. He has possible multiple personalities and just doesn't have a clue but he does love her.

He chose to not be on the birth certificate and coerced me to go along with it, at the time I was very easily manipulated, now on one hand I regret it but on the other it will make things easier down the road if I decide to move away...

I used to have to tell him not to let her watch him play zombie killing games on his phone...when she was two or three... She learned all the bad words from him... Doesn't really say them anymore thank God... What can I do? I don't know how to deal with this. Don't want my precious girl growing up damaged.

I really wish I never let her bond with him because I genuinely fear he is not a good influence for her. I feel so torn though, on one hand I think a girl needs a dad but she needs a dad to BE A DAD and not just a playmate who doesn't do much of anything else.

|improve this question
  • 5
    Its a bit difficult to see what your actual question is. Are you asking if you should prevent contact, or are you asking how to deal with her behaviour, or something else? If you can be more specific then we might be able to help. – Paul Johnson May 29 '17 at 6:22
  • I'm trying to figure out if he legally has time with her, why he does. If he is homeless and has mental illness he should probably not be spending time with her at all or only having supervised visits. – L.B. May 30 '17 at 14:06
  • 4
    @L.B. If all (temporarily) homeless people with mental illnesses were not allowed to see their children, that would produce an high number of parentless kids. Mental illness is common, as is (in this economy) homelessness; neither one makes a parent unfit. It takes an investigation to find out if this is the case. – anongoodnurse♦ May 30 '17 at 15:11
  • @anongoodnurse Hence why I I said probably. I don't know the whole story and I know it depends on the illness. The question says that he is, at present, homeless. If you was just homeless for, say, a couple days between apartments or something, that would be fine. But if he is (which we do not know) pretty continuously homeless, then this is a problem. – L.B. May 30 '17 at 17:04
  • 1
    A clash in parenting styles, which seems to be the only relevant issue here, isn't a justification for stopping a child from seeing their father. Lot's of children behave badly after visiting with one parent and returning to the other. I find it so frustrating to see so many people that cannot separate their own relationship and problems with their ex partner from their children's relationship with their parent. along with custodial parents that think they shouldn't have to make any effort so their child can maintain a good relationship with the non-custodial parent. – user1450877 Jun 1 '17 at 9:24
3

If you are asking: Should I let my daughter see her dad because he has bad influence on her?

Co-worker of mine has had similar problem. Father of her child spoils the child. When ever child tries to cry etc. he gives candy or offers games. No crying when daddy is around.

When the child was young dad seemed to be the best adult in the world. But eventually child notices his limits. You can't talk about tough issues with person like that.

What you can do is to explain that different people have different values. Each adult can show you some new aspects of life. Some things feel better and some worse. For example eating ice cream all the time or playing games all the time leads to ... something. Children can understand at age of 3 and up that there are different rules with each adult.

My mother in law is excellent cook, but doesn't know how to play with the kids. She can read a story or few. She can cook with the children but make believe games are not her thing.

My mother can play with the children at their level. She paints, draws, and does funny things but she can't cook. She doesn't understand regular eating times, and she doesn't understand needs of a toddler. So, she can't be left alone with a toddler or baby for several hours.

I'd suggest to let your child to see her dad as long as they want. If there is some love or positive relationship let it be. It might be different but good for both of them.

If cursing is the issue or too exciting games (or movies later on). Talk about it with her father. He is adult and should understand.

|improve this answer
  • 1
    +1 for "explain that different people have different values" - I read nothing in this question that suggests he's a bad influence. So what if he's homeless, plays zombie games, etc. At least he's not the dbag running the country, an exec at Monsanto, A rapist in jail. I personally believe few things are more destructive than religion. Does that mean I should never see my kids because most people happen to disagree with me? I'd be more inclined to believe the hell comes from not having that behavior under control on her end. The dad may have mental issues, remember. Talking to him may not work. – Kai Qing May 30 '17 at 22:58
  • You got the point! There is more than one way to see this world! About the bad influence: Original question contained information about bad words and letting the child to play too exciting games for her age. Adults should know what to show and what to hide from small kids. – KettuJKL May 31 '17 at 3:42

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.