How to help my 18-year-old who may be the victim of bullying?

Question

My 18-year-old son is in high school and near graduating; like 40 days from now he will graduate. He is so smart and into business and science and gets top grades so I am thankful. He is so respectful to me and his mother and to all the elders. Before this, my son was in a different country, so he had a different culture and way of making friends; now it is different and he just doesn't like the type of people here.

Two months ago, he found a group of friends and he's been hanging around with them now, he went out with them like six times now and stopped all of the sudden, when we asked him he said that "I don't like the type of people here". They weren't really his friends, they just let him sit with them talk to him about school and that's it. They don't go out or anything like that. He is not depressed or sad, he just likes to be alone. I know that that's normal to be alone. Heck I like to be alone sometimes, just so I can gather myself.

Now, two weeks ago he started complaining about this kid who has a mental disability. That kid just goes around the school and keeps swearing at everyone, but for some reason he found that my son gets angry real quick and so he just started to push the limits until my son hit him, the school were so shocked of my son's actions that they forgave him because they know that he is good.

After he hit him, he regretted it. Yet, that boy still keeps coming back and just saying the same mean things. My son came to me today and was just so angry because that boy called his mother a bad word. He said "He can say anything at me and I won't get mad, but not at my family"

We keep telling him to ignore him, and that he will just go away, but I think that he is displaying his anger which is what the boy wants out of him so he just pushes. I think it's his new friends that are bringing him trouble because he tried to say that once but didn't finish what he was saying.

What should I or we do as parents? Is it right that he should just ignore him because there is only 40 days until graduation?

Answer 1

Most schools will have some kind of policy about bullying and treating others with respect (in the U.S. this is usually a no-tolerance bullying policy). Find out what it is and what your son should do if he is being bullied. Usually he will be directed to talk to an adult, usually a teacher. Then it is the teacher's responsibility to deal with it. Your son shouldn't have to engage this kid in any way, physically or otherwise. If this kid is a repeat offender, the teachers / principal should take steps to keep him away from your son. If they don't, escalate. Talk to the school yourself. If they don't do anything, talk to the school district / school board.

If all that fails, your son may just have to put up with it for a little while. As you've identified, this other kid does this just to get a reaction out of your son. If your son stops giving the reaction, it will likely get worse in the short term (as the kid tries to push harder to get the reaction), but it will subside when it's no longer "fun" for him and he begins to pursue someone else.

This is also an opportunity to teach a life lesson, that sometimes we have to deal with people who are jerks. Teach your son how to handle such people, by ignoring them, by reporting inappropriate actions to those in authority, by avoiding the person, etc. This likely won't be the last unpleasent person your son has to deal with in his life. Might as well learn now in a relatively safe environment (home and school) rather than later.

Answer 2

I'll assume you read the other answers about bullying.

Forty days is not long if everything is okay -- however, it's a very long time to be abused.

Have you or your son discussed this with a teacher or school admin? Please go into the school or encourage your son to speak up. The only way to stop bullying is to shine a light on it. He or you should put it in writing as some schools do not want this recorded because of their own liability. Do not exaggerate at all. This is important. If there are witnesses to this bullying, your son should list the names. He should keep a journal starting immediately that lists where, when, what; and even why and how if that is necessary.

ON EDIT: I know know the following is not the case: If your son was the person who started calling names, he could apologise. Even if he did stir things up (I am not saying he did, but of course I do not know) then he still doesn't deserve to be bullied. Another way to handle it would be for him (in a group, not alone) ask if the bully is okay? "Are you okay? You seem so angry and I'd did nothing to you until you said 'xxx'. I should not have hit you and I am sorry I did. So what is happening; is there something we can help you with?" If not those words -- something like them that addresses issues but also lets others see that your son is standing up for himself and not being a bully back.

If the school says your son should not talk to the bully, then they must deal with that student. It is not acceptable simply because that student has a disorder or disability. Your son deserves protection and a peaceful school existence as much as any other student -- so insist on it. I worked with challenged kids and some were bullied and others were bullies. Yes, we expected people to have some extra understanding -- to cut them some slack -- but never at the expense of another person's safety or wellbeing.

I had one student who used the following, spoken loudly for the closest people to hear, "You are trying to bully me. Leave me alone." That worked because our school had a buddy up system. Other students would join the 'victim' and ask the bully to drop it. If it was not dropped, one kid went for help.

Answer 3

Young boys often spar with each other. Does he have a male role model in his life? It can make a big difference for him. Even if he doesn't, it's entirely up to him what kind of people he chooses to associate with. If they are too much of jerks to be around then there's no reason to.

Otherwise, learning to deal with jerks now when it's not as important can really help him build social skills that will benefit him later in life. He's so close to graduating that I think he will be fine and once he is out of high school and not forced to be around those people all day he will probably focus more on furthering his studies.

Answer 4

I am not a parent but I was a student. People call you names only if you respond to them or get offended. The way is to ignore things completely, when they know that this thing has no affect on you they will stop.

Also I want to add that ignoring does not mean to respond at these names, just think that it's not your name they are calling. For some time don't even look upset when they call you names and they will know that calling you is a waste of time.

One more thing after doing that maybe they will start calling you different new things but you have to do the same with that too. Even they start physical just report it to your school and it will stop.

I hope this will help your kid. Just tell him that them calling names is just an act of jealousy which is a sign of success for you.

Answer 5

Your son needs to amplify his perspective. If he can't connect that this boy is mentally challenged and what he says should not be taken so serious, your son will have much bigger anger issues in his adulthood against far more obnoxious people. He should find out why he struggles with the anger. The point here is that your son reacted violently, not in self defense. The issue is not bullying but finding the reason why he is angry. He's obviously having a culture clash which can cause frustration and lead to anger, and in turn be released towards a trivial circumstance.

Here is an article on hidden anger

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201509/getting-the-root-hidden-anger