My husband got angry at me during an argument yesterday and threw his keyboard (in shattered) and ripped down the whiteboard (may have thrown it, I don't know. We had left the room) on the wall and raged a bit more (I heard a few bangs, but doesn't appear to be more damage). I was holding my 9 month old (who screamed), but left the room and closed the door. I was a bit scared and I know my son was, but likely from reading my reaction. I calmly reassured him and played with him alone in the other room and he bounced back quickly, but it alarmed me.
Before baby, nothing like this had happened. About 6 months ago, husband threw and shattered a mug in anger during an argument, though.
I don't know how concerned I should be. Keeping my son safe is obviously my #1 priority.
I know he would not intentionally hurt either of us, but the display of rage is intimidating and frightening.
I am seeking professional help to try to help with my part of the communication problem. In this case, we had a disagreement and he started stonewalling, which is his usual. I normally can just let it go and let him cool off (sometimes takes a day or two), but yesterday, I was just tired of like my concerns were being rug swept, and I kept on talking and really raise my voice. I know I need to work on my tone with him, because obviously, it triggers something for him, but I also know it is 100% his responsibility how he handles his anger when triggered. To me, throwing things seems like an unacceptable display of rage, particularly in front of the baby.
Yesterday, I was feeling triggered by his stonewalling and raised my voice. I know that was my responsibility, and when he told me to pause, I should have listened. Like I said, I am seeking therapy to learn how I can catch myself before raising my voice. I know I had a major part in the argument and it was disrespectful of me to continue talking, even when he was telling me to pause, as he clearly needed some time to cool off. And I also think raising my voice was probably inappropriate in front of the baby. But I feel like throwing stuff is over the line. I need some perspective.
In my family, we raised our voices, but never threw anything. I can't imagine that ever being acceptable in my family, and I would be ashamed to tell my family that my husband has done this and that I have stayed.
I think for him, raising voice must be a big trigger. I'll try to remember for the future. He was verbally and physically abused as a child and especially teen.
I've asked repeatedly for us to go to therapy and he refuses. I think we had some problems with communication before baby (me having a tendency to want to hash out the argument and quickly get through it, him straight up stonewalling on most disagreements), but baby has really highlighted it and made it much worse.
How concerned should I be? Now that baby is in the picture, he has often told me to shut up and called me stupid, called me a bitch Or told me to stop bitching (neither are acceptable to me, and my family would never have treated each other that way), and these two incidents of throwing things. When I talk to him calmly later about the names and the shut ups, he says it doesn't seem like a big deal to him. I haven't brought up the throwing stuff, but my guess is he will try to say it is my fault for continuing to talk/argue when he told me he wanted to stop (again, I realize I should have stopped, but I think he should have gone for a walk or something, anything, rather than fly into a scary rage like that).
I'm just concerned about our son seeing this as he grows. I was scared (I don't think he would intentionally hurt either of us, but I know plenty of people say that and end up in horrible situations...my sense is it would never be intentional, but it is intimidating...made me feel like I had no choice to shut up and get away so as not to be hurt by some random debris from his rage).
I don't want my son to grow up thinking it's ok to call names or throw things in anger. If husband won't seek help, is there any way he will get better, though?
I already am just like, well I 100% can never have an argument with him in front of our child again...which I think is unrealistic. My next thought it, well, I have to work really hard to own my way of handling the anger and work on healthy expression. But it is like eggshells sometimes. He gets so moody, cranky and down right snappy with me about little things (not being able to tell him exactly which pocket the keys are in in the diaper bag, for example), and it feels quite disrespectful. At the same time, he seems overly concerned about me not showing him respect. As best I can tell, he interprets certain tones as disrespectful (i.e.:yesterday I was worried and he took it as being condescending, which started the argument), and seems to interpret any disagreement as disrespectful. I'm a smart woman, and if I disagree, I want to be able to tell him. I obviously need to consider my tone (it must be coming off differently than I intend), but I just feed like there are some big double standards on his part.
It's been a stressful year. Sorry for the long post. Can anyone offer any perspective/insight? Is my olnly option to end if? Am I blame shifting? He is a fantastic father otherwise and a pretty decent partner a good potion of the time. I want to believe we can work through this, but the blame-shifting, demonstration of rage and refusal to go to counseling with me have me worried. I want to do what is best for my baby.