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I'm a girl, younger than 16 years of age, and live in a country where getting divorced is considered VERY BAD in the society for both the parents and the children. My father can't cope up with my mother and we hear an argument daily where he almost every time says to give a divorce to my mother. My mum is very egoistic,and doesn't understand that we could perfectly live happily and there is nothing wrong with dad (she thinks he has an affair although he doesn't and has explained to her like a gazillion times...). If they get divorced it would have a greater effect on me and my brother's life than theirs as they are both about the age of 40. WHAT DO I DO???!!! I'm so confused and tensed and scared.... Help me, PLEASE!

marked as duplicate by Becuzz, anongoodnurse Mar 13 '17 at 19:39

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    Many kids post this question. It's a very sad situation, but the truth is, there's nothing you can do about it. However, you can speak with your school guidance counselor about these difficult feelings you're having, or ask your parents if you can see a therapist, and if they'd like to join you in family therapy. It won't save a bad marriage, but it might help everyone to learn skills that can make the transition easier. Best of luck. Many have gone through this before you, and come out OK. – anongoodnurse Mar 13 '17 at 19:52
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I am sorry sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. This is unfortunately an adult decision and there is probably little that you can do to help.

However, you can learn to help the situation by taking pressure off of your own parents from your needs and those of any younger siblings. Look for ways to help around the house. Work on your own independence. Cook, do laundry, clean -- learn to bank and how to pay bills and generally all the skills you will need when you are an adult and responsible for yourself.

It is perfectly fair to say to them both that you are unhappy with the situation. It's fine to say you are scared and worried. They are your parents and even though they are having problems -- they still will love you and look after your needs.

I highly recommend not taking sides. Certainly your opinions are yours and you might even be right -- but it won't help if you are applying pressure to your mother. You truthfully only have your father's word about possible affairs, and your mother might possibly be right about him. Or wrong. It is their business. I am not saying extramarital affairs are okay. My first marriage was broken that way -- and all the lies that were involved. I imagine being accused of doing something is almost as damaging as doing it to the relationship.

You must try to let them deal with their relationship and to be the best daughter and person you can be. Use this time to improve yourself and to learn what you want and don't want out of life. It will not be easy. I am not pretending that it will be. You have to grow up a little ahead of schedule.

If you remove your own pressure from the situation and perhaps ask them to get family or marital counselling, then you will have done more than 90% of the children of divorce ever could -- because you know it might happen. Most kids are told when it's already decided.

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    "...help the situation by taking pressure off of your own parents from your needs and those of any younger siblings. Look for ways to help around the house. Work on your own independence. Cook, do laundry, clean -- learn to bank and how to pay bills and generally all the skills you will need when you are an adult and responsible for yourself." -1 for suggesting anything this child can do even might have the tiniest chance to resolve the situation. The answer is not "be helpful". It's "there's nothing you can do." It's not her job to mother the younger siblings in order to help parents cope. – anongoodnurse Mar 13 '17 at 19:42
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    @anongoodnurse guess we disagree! Doing nothing adds nothing. Doing anything positive adds positive. Of course, that is what I think.. – WRX Mar 13 '17 at 21:08
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    +1: @anongoodnurse its not the OPs responsibilty to fix the situation. And, I agree, the OP's ability to prevent a divorce from happening is minuscule at best. But as a child of divorced parents, even over a decade later, the thought that I didn't do anything that I could have to help save their marriage sends a shiver down my spine. I also approve of the other parts of this answer as well; Advocating self-sufficiency always gets a +1 from me, especially as OPs parents are looking unreliable. – sharur Mar 14 '17 at 16:25
  • @sharur - Interesting comment. I advocate teaching responsibility, but not to attach it to the hope that it will help save the marriage. The sad truth is, some marriages simply aren't meant to last, especially when there's mental illness involved (the mom's constant suspicion that infidelity is going on may be a sign of it.) Your feeling of guilt is very, very understandable, and even if you did do something, you would still feel guilty, because we are at the center of our lives and see ourselves as major players in events wherein we really aren't. I don't encourage this thinking. :) Thanks! – anongoodnurse Mar 14 '17 at 20:06
  • Who said it would save the marriage? I said it would help the situation. Take pressure off the emotional difficulties suffered by all. At no time did I say it would stop a divorce. Doing something positive will help the OP to deal with whatever happens. – WRX Mar 14 '17 at 20:34

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