9-year-old received tablet as gift, but he does not have the self-control or maturity to own a tablet

Question

Summary:

Upon receiving the tablet, his first course of action was to install a game. For various reasons, I believe that he has proven himself to be irresponsible with such devices, and it would be detrimental to his development to have it. What should I do?

Full text:

• Recent positive behavior: Starting to follow his schedule, completing homework on time albeit with constant nagging and frequent yelling.
• Recent negative behavior: He installed malware on his computer in an attempt to install video games, then denied doing so when confronted. He executed a factory-reset on dad's workplace cellphone, and he changed some obscure language settings on dad's computer. This resulted in data loss, wasted time, and lost productivity.
• I discussed with him the blunders described above, what went wrong and how to avoid them. Next, I spent some time telling him about being humble and modest, as opposed to gloating. I was satisfied with his reception to this talk and gave him the gift.
• One minute after receiving the tablet, he naturally (and to my great dismay) went gloating to our dad, who commented in a sarcastic tone: "Yes, give him a tablet because his academics are too good." Hence, a condition was implemented that he is not to install any games on it. The following morning, I found Pokémon Go installed, so the tablet was confiscated.
• The games that he wants to install seem to employ psychological techniques to produce addiction. These games do not challenge him intellectually and do not require creativity. I've seen him spend hours grinding mindlessly to collect virtual points/rewards, and I know from first hand experience that these types of games have correlated to a flat-line in my own intellectual development.

I'm ashamed to say that I yielded to my emotions in gifting him what he wanted rather than what he needed. He'd done nothing to earn this and has not proven to be capable of using a mobile device responsibly. If not controlled, it will inevitably be detrimental to his development.

I believe that the correct course of action is to ungive this tablet, but that is a can of worms in itself. This will be a lesson for me to remember as this was ultimately my decision and my naive mistake, but right now I'm looking for a solution to this. What should I do?

Update:

I had a discussion with my brother to implement some guidelines, in most part following the example provided by @thisiswhatwedo. The "no games" rule has been removed, replaced by the following:

• May be used only after all assigned homework/tasks have been completed for the day.

• May be used for maximum of 1.5 hours in a day, noncumulative.

• Generally not to be used in public, ultimately at the discretion of adults.

• Tablet will be stored by an adult when not in use.

• Must mute speakers or use headphones/earbuds when prompted.

• Application installation and removal are decided by adults.

• No food or beverage during use.

• Hands must be washed prior to use.

We mutually agreed to these rules, and I'm satisfied with this arrangement.

Answer 1

From a more general angle. We allow kids in the family to use tablets, but of course this is under supervision.

• There is a dedicated docking station where the tablets are.
• Tablets must be used within the room where the docking station is located.
• Tablets must be returned to the dock when they are not in use.
• Exceptions are made, and are considered privileges:
  • Tablets may be removed from their home room with permission.
  • Tablets may go outside for photography and video.
  • Tablets must always be returned promptly, or the privilege will be revoked until trust is restored.
• Tablet use is generally supervised:
  • Permission must be granted to install any application.
  • Any application may be removed without warning.
  • Food and drink use is limited while on tablets.
  • Hands must be washed prior to using any electronics (the ketchup clause)
  • No horseplay while operating a tablet.
  • Two tablet drops result in tablet time being ended.
• If a tablet is lost, all responsible parties must actively search for the tablet until it is found.
• Tablets are mostly communal. They can be shared between anyone. However children will have a slight preference for one usually because it has the apps they are most interested in. It is up to the kids to negotiate how to properly share (adults are more than happy to mediate negotiations of course).
• Netflix is allowed and encouraged. Everything YouTube Kids should be, Netflix is and so much more.
• YouTube Kids:
  • Beloved by children, despised by parents. It's supposed to be curated content that is safe for kids but ends up being almost exclusively garbage toy channels.
  • If everyone is on the same page, ban this app. Restricting access has defused so many behavioral issues regarding the purchase of toys, materialism and meltdowns.
  • That said, if you have a large family some adults may not agree so:
  • Limited use of toy channels. If any of the materialism behaviors pop up then toy channels are banned or the app is removed.
  • Close supervision is required, an adult must be able to see or hear the app at any given moment.
  • Kids are encouraged to watch original content videos. Though rare they do exist.
  • Seriously. YouTube Kids is awful.

Concerning damage, it's going to happen.

• Everyone started with Amazon Fire tablets which will invariably get destroyed--which is okay because they seem to self-destruct on their own anyways.
• Every tablet has a bulky case on it to protect it.
• Tablets can never be removed from the case. Once it was established that "okay if I break it, it's' gone forever" we switched over to ipad minis. They're a good balance of price, durability and manageability. Phone sized devices get destroyed ridiculously fast, and the larger full size tablets are too large for children to handle.

As a final parting note, watch out for that burst of energy that comes after extended tablet use. The two most popular times are in the morning and before bed. Plan for play time after morning use, and play time before evening use. Limit bed time use to extremely boring shows.

Answer 2

Let's recap the question from a more objective viewpoint... as right now the premise for the actions which have been taken seem to be incorrect (at best.)

The boy has been behaving well academically which rightly deserves to be rewarded.

He installed malware on his computer in an attempt to install video games, then denied doing so when confronted.

It is not reasonable to expect an 8-year-old to (a) tell the truth all the time especially if they know they will get into trouble and (b) know that they actually have installed malware or what the consequences of that might be. Plus, this machine was apparently not secured with even the most basic precautions.

He executed a factory-reset on dad's workplace cellphone, and he changed some obscure language settings on dad's computer. This resulted in data loss, wasted time, and lost productivity.

So your dad broke company policy by letting someone access his workplace device who then damaged it, knowingly or not - that isn't misbehaviour by an 8-year-old and lost productivity ought to be the least of your dad's concerns. Data-loss that could have occurred can be a potentially career-ending concern.

Ultimately the boy hasn't misbehaved, other people have taken out their frustrations on him for doing things he shouldn't have been able to do.

You then spoke to the boy and he appeared to understand. Children of that age require repetition at appropriate intervals. He may have listened, reasoned and understood - and then forgotten every word or not considered its relevance later on... ask any teacher and they'll tell you at age 8, even the brightest kids do this a lot.

Your parents now need to develop a realistic, reasonable and responsible attitude to use of the device, as presumably they should (and may have) done for you and your console. The tablet is now a privilege and can be treated as such:-

• access to wireless can be controlled through the access point/modem
• physical access to the device can be controlled
• passwords and remote locks can be configured
• payment options can (and should) be restricted
• the charging point should be in a shared part of the house
• use of the device (added friends etc) should be reviewed and discussions of online safety need to be had and reminded regularly

TL;DR - A child was given a gift that had been deemed appropriate, he was given unreasonable expectations on the basis of age-appropriate behaviour, and was punished for playing with... a toy.

The reaction all round in that situation was neither appropriate nor proportionate. Taking it back permanently is quite mean and a huge overreaction, there is now a need to develop a reasonable strategy for handling use of the device, it should be returned with clear boundaries, just like access to any other privilege and it's their job to do that.

Answer 3

What should you do? Nothing, you are not the parent, you just gave a gift that was deemed appropriate by the parents.

You wrote yourself that you didn't have a Nintendo when you were little but all your friends had one. Now imagine him not being able to play "Pokemon GO" while all his friends can play it. I think it is the responsibility of the parents to know when he had enough "Playtime" and restrict the usage of the device. But seriously, he is 8 years old, of course he wants to play and have fun.

Answer 4

My children (8 and 6) were recently given a tablet by my in-laws. We (the parents) keep possession of it, and let them use it under our supervision as an occasional treat, or for educational activities.

Just because it belongs to them does not mean that they get to have it under their complete and unsupervised control. As others have suggested, this is really a problem for your parents to work out, but if you truly feel he's not using it in the spirit in which it was given, I don't see an issue with you "repossessing" it and lending it back to him on supervised occasions.

In the future, I'd suggest you clear any gift like this with your parents first. There are certain kinds of gifts --large amounts of candy, dangerous toys, smartphones/computers/tablets, PG movies, etc. --which can create extra difficulties for the parents if they aren't a match for their parenting decisions.

Answer 5

You should make use of the tablet's child restrictions features to help your child control himself until he demonstrates the maturity to have more permissions.

I would suggest to make yourself the administrator of the tablet. The child should not have permissions to install apps, and only be able to use limited apps. This way, you can control how much time they use the device, and what apps are installed. He should have to earn the privilege to use the tablet.

Since you have an Android tablet, I would recommend:

1. Factory reset the device to start with a clean slate.

2. Create yourself as the Owner and don't share the passcode with your child.

3. Create another user for your child as a Restricted Profile. This allows you to control what apps the Restricted User can use. Don't give permission for the Google Play store, and the Restricted User won't be able to install apps themselves. Instead, you install the app in the Owner account and give permission to the Restricted account.

You can follow the directions at http://www.laptopmag.com/articles/parental-controls-android .

Unfortunately, Android doesn't have a built-in time restriction feature. You can try a third party tool such as https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.screentime.rc , but those usually have monthly subscription fees.

Even for a computer, you should create a separate non-administrator account for others in your household so they can't install programs without your permission. Someone could unknowingly install malware in a blink of an eye.

Answer 6

At this point, the tablet has been confiscated and is controlled by your father. There's not really such a thing as "ungifting" something and since you are not the custodian of your little brother, you can't really take the device away from him either. Your father can, and he did.

If you want the tablet back in your own possession (for a refund, perhaps?), talk to your father about that. He might agree with you that this was a bad idea, and might return it. Or he might feel that a gift is a gift, but the tablet won't be returned until your brother is more responsible. (In this case, you might make an argument that the device will be worthless by then and it's better to refund this one and get a new one in a few years)

You might also owe your father an apology for giving the device to your brother in the first place. That's the kind of thing that you should have talked with him about before the gift, considering the responsibility of owning of such a device. Your father's initial reaction suggests he probably would not have approved of the gift in the first place.

At any rate; your little brother is pretty much out of the picture now. The tablet is no longer in his possession. Any follow-up should be done with your father. Talk to him to see what happens next.

Answer 7

This is really simple: kids and animals will mess things up or break them. That's life. If it's a gift to him, it's his to break. None of you should get attached to the tablet or anyone else's gift for that matter. As a separate matter of usage, with my 8yo, she gets tablet time if chores are done, homework etc. It's not in her possession otherwise. It comes down to an hour or less a night (minecraft mostly) on weekdays and maybe 3hrs/night on weekends (minecraft + youtube kids).

Answer 8

Technically the simplest thing is to disable internet on the tablet. You can do this easily: wireless networks normally require the password, GSM networks require SIM card that can be removed.

This is reliable, even professional software engineer cannot connect the protected wireless network without knowing the password.

Before doing this, I would suggest to install selected educational apps. They are not addictive enough for this to be a problem and this way should be much more useful than just cutting the tablet into two.