My father suffers from depression, my mother and I constantly try to help him.
Five years ago my grandmother, that is his mother, unexpectedly died, and my grandfather's Alzheimer's became evident. His disease got considerably worse this year, to the point he talks no more, seemingly remembers nothing, doesn't follow a conversation and stays most of the time at bed. Heartbreaking for anyone, let alone my father.
He hadn't been able to accept his situation and her death for a while, but now he kind of has. However, he does try to ignore death, for example he let my mother go to a funeral instead of him, even if the not too close relative was actually his, and asked her nothing when she came back.
After what happened, he is experiencing a strong fear of loss. Of losing me, now that I moved to a big city to study. Terrorism added to the mix (we live in Europe), and when I went (regardless of coming back very often and texting and calling every day), he fell into depression, losing weight too.
A year passed and perhaps he's better physically, but he is still very anxious, still doesn't have a reasonable picture of reality. He still hardly laughs to jokes. He still doesn't live well. And obviously it's hard for my mother too. Some months ago we managed to convince him to see a psychiatrist (how hard it was!), though unfortunately it seems the dosage might not be adequate. Well, I hope it's a matter of dosage.
Apart from the juvenile infatuation, I remember that when I was a grown up kid they never were a lovely couple, often argued, but sometimes they had fun together. With his depression, things got worse. They certainly haven't exchanged the words "I love you" for years, no kisses either. He pretty much has lost the will to do stuff, to enjoy life. He lives in his own world where he has a terrible job (false), makes terrible sacrifices (false) and has to anxiously check if I'm right. My mother is being left out. He almost never makes compliments to her and almost always nitpicks about things.
He even forgot her last birthday! In the evening he noticed she were grumpy, and she told him why. He apologized, sure, but obviously he should have remedied his mistake the day after with some special thing, and obviously he did nothing! Unfortunately I learnt about this with their latest argument.
It started because of a related TV promotion, when she stimulated him about necessity of enjoying life, and he rapidly got mad, saying once again the world is too dangerous for not being anxious. After a while my mother made her suffering clear, mentioning her birthday, and he dismissed what she said and replied that was an unimportant mistake, and that she is awful for not forgiving him. He proceeded saying he had never forgotten before (which is true, but didn't get a decent enough present for her 50th two years ago) and that she shouldn't tease him, but be nice to him and help him not to be afraid.
Seeing he didn't recognize her patience and her help, she reminded him the very last time she encouraged him to keep calm; my father got mad as if she were accusing him of having been too worried that time, while he allegedly was just making sure of things. Moral of the story: he didn't recognize her care.
In 3 months it's been at least 3 times my mother told him the situation has become critical, with them being unable to understand each other, and said they should not remain together if nothing is left but suffering. He always replied giving her "freedom of action". But they have been together for more than 25 years and they have me, it is a very hard decision.
Deep inside I think she still loves him, and she definitely cares for him, she feels compassion for his situation. But she's starting to cede. On the other hand, he probably doesn't love her anymore, and his depression minimized his affection. They might have divorced, had I not been here. I'm quite confused.
Should I talk more insistently to my father even if he doesn't listen to me, or should I push my mother to divorce? Or should I wait for the dosage to be increased?