How do I change my Brother negative thinking, and bad attitude and addiction towards computer games

Question

I'm his older Sister, 15 years old and my Brother is only 13 years old. He has been very addicted to the computer, online games and apps on tablets. Although this may seem like a common problem for his age, I'm sincerely worried and tired of his attitude towards the people around him (including me) that had resulted due to his addiction.

I believe it started a few years ago, when he started to mix around with negative mindset people, and has since started to feel that he deserve much more for what he 'has' done so far. And hence ever since then he started to become demanding and not understanding towards my parents, he would compare my parents with his friends' parents; and asked them why he couldn't have a certain brand or game, like them. When we tried to explain to him nicely, he wouldn't listen, and always showed an attitude.

My mom will always be kind and understanding towards in, and I my opinion to forgiving towards him. She would often give way to him, by merely chiding him that there should not be a next time. But when my mom could not handle his gradually bad attitude, she would share with my dad, who only grown up with the method of being harsh. Hence, my father will be very strict and would came home sometimes, and had resulted in my brother being more violent.

Now, when anyone tried to reduce his usage of computers, he would start to scream at us, even at my mom (who has a heart disease). He would then start to argue, and claim that we are unfair towards him. He would always give that look towards us, and make my mom flare up. This causes a war, almost literally. Somehow it always result in the same thing, him screaming at all of us, and we have to deal with his horrible attitude. He recently would even hit, kick and slap us, when we tried to hold him from running out of the house or from trying to hit my Mom.

While I do kind of understand where is point of view is coming from, like perhaps he wants 100% equality, and he doesn't believe in paying more respects to those older than him. And I also understand that perhaps it is really because he does not have a phone unlike me or my older sister, but really this is because he has not proven himself to be capable and worthy enough.

But I'm so tired of his attitude, his shouting; and we have tried all methods within our means that I'm really at wits end!!:( I really really need advice, because even after all these I know he's still my one and only brother.

Answer 1

While I understand that you love your brother, and are very affected by how he acts, both toward you and your parents, I don't know if there is much that you can do. If it were your parents asking, I would advise them to disable his computer altogether, or make it disappear. That is extreme, but so is his behavior. If your parents allow him to continue to have his way, and there are not consequences when he physically strikes people in order to get his way, things will only get worse.

It is too bad that your father is modeling physical violence, and his son is imitating the father. This also leads to very bad things later (I assume this because you say he is harsh and this makes your brother violent). Physical punishment usually teaches little except violence.

When my son is allowed to play computer games too much, he becomes sullen and uncaring of anything except getting back to his games. Partly this is because when he is playing games with the other boys who play computer games all the time, their negativity feeds each other. They are all trying to impress each other with how "bad-a**" they are and using profanity (also to impress each other, I think).

When his attitude gets bad, he loses computer privileges. We tell him that we can see his bad attitude is caused by computer games and we must separate it from him so that he doesn't become a person with a permanantly very bad attitude. It is for his own good, the computer is doing damage to him. Once his attitude has healed (evidenced by good behavior, helping with chores, etc), he gets it back.

Initially, my husband was reluctant to take away his computer because he though our son's attitude toward us would become very negative. It was for a short while, but when he started "earning" computer time for good behavior, his attitude became very good.

The big shift needs to happen in your brother's attitude. Right now, he thinks he "deserves" to have more than he has, everything that he wants. He must learn that he does not "deserve" toys and treats and games...he must earn them. (Or they might be gifts but the problem with gifts is that it is too easy to expect them as something you "deserve").

This will cause him to value what he receives more than he values them now. And he will be happier about the things that he has. The problem with being given everything you want is that it is never enough, and you are always unsatisfied. If you must earn what you are given, you feel better about yourself.

I don't know if any of this will help you. It is your parents who must take the right steps to change your brother's attitude. Are there counselors at your school who you trust and can talk to? This is not a burden that you should have to bear alone.