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I have a 59-years-old father who is keeping coming in my room for no good reason looking at my computer monitor, trying to find something to blame me for it. If I'm coding, he says "Take care of your school, too. Life isn't all coding", if I'm playing he says "Don't waste your time", and the worst possibility is if I'm watching a movie he keeps blaming me for 3-4 days for why I was watching until I bring the movie and let the whole family watch it.

As you might know, some of the movies aren't made for "FAMILIES" and I do wanna see 'em. Recently, I've been watching BBT, where Sheldon mentions "Someone is having sex with his girlfriend" and my father been there. Now he is keeping blaming me for watch "Pornography and nudity content"!

Now I'm so sick of this, decided to leave the home taking any possible method when I turn 18 (4 months remaining until I turn 18), but I can't take it anymore.

What's the best solution that doesn't involve any escaping or being rude to my father?

Edited to add: please see my answer with updates.

  • Have you tried talking to him about it? If so, how did he react / what did he say? – Becuzz Oct 21 '16 at 12:20
  • @Becuzz I can't, whenever I try to talk to him about this, he reacts very bad and usually says: "I'm a parent, I'm worried for you. You won't know how I feel until you become a parent.". But I'm so sure I won't do one of these things to my own son. – Ehsaan Oct 21 '16 at 12:22
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    Let me laugh at this... trust me we all went through this stage.. it starts from around 12yrs onwards where kids feel like their privacy is being tampered with. I was also frustrated but I stayed in my parents house until I was 22yrs of age... I later realized they had good intentions for me. Now I'm grown and have my family and successful at what I Do. So just just talk to your dad find out what he wants for you. Especially as a boy maybe he just wants bonding time with you. Ask what he likes and do together sometimes. Just a suggestion. – Madona Syombua Oct 21 '16 at 15:02
  • @Ehsaan that's all we say, before we become parents. I won't spank my child, I won't treat my child like my parents did.. if your parent is nor abusing you (in this I mean the serious abuse) then he just means well for you. Have you tried for once to do what he likes? I got along very well with my dad since at his free time he taught me mathematics. We're good friends to now. – Madona Syombua Oct 21 '16 at 15:09
  • @SyombuaMuthoka Yes I did, many times. But I don't know why my father ignores the privacy. – Ehsaan Oct 21 '16 at 15:21
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First of all, I need to thank everyone who contributed to this question. I found out that there are a lot of people who are experiencing/experienced the same issue.

I'm posting my own experience because I've been through this for 2 years.

First. When I was 16 (and all these problems got started), I thought that I'm the all-knowing-guy, just because my temporary job is better than everyone else in the family. And I thought my dad is a loser, just because he did a mistake or two in financial issues (which led us to a terrible mess). When I turned 18, I figured out that he wasn't a loser, but a hero. He didn't let any of us feel the difficulties our family been through.

Second. I figured out as @gaoithe mentioned, a total-private area can be harmful for the family. So I changed total-private to healthy-private, which led to a huge difference in my relationship with my family.

Third. A nice, polite, man-to-man, face-to-face, calm conversation helped me to see his expectations, and helped him to see my expectations. We both understood that our expectations from each other was too, too much. So we talked through this, and talked, and talked. Until our expectations get balanced.

Fourth. As I already mentioned, I'm the youngest member of the family and the age gap between me and my father is about 40 years. So it's not surprising that there are so much differences between us, especially in our opinion about technology, live, entertainment, etc. I used to think that he MUST understand me (yes, I was an idiot), now I see the real meaning of relationship, learnt that the rules of relationship doesn't only apply to my relations with my friends, it does to my relations with my family, too, especially my father.

Fifth. If you're reading this and suffering through this, be aware that one disrespectful word, one word of anger, one word of impatient can lead to a permanent damaged relationship with your family. From my relationship with my friends, I understood that my family are the only ones who are going to be with me forever. You'd lose your friends easily, but you can't lose your family easily (even if you want to). So be patient, be thoughtful. Being patient itself can prove to your family that you're an adult now.

Sixth and final. I made one huge mistake during all this. I was ignorant. I tried to ignore everything my dad said (and I succeed). I thought that as patience. Being ignorant != Being patient.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this topic.

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    Thank you for this update! It sounds like you've learned quite a bit from all this. – anongoodnurse Apr 11 '17 at 18:57
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    I am totally impressed with your growth. It is difficult for an older person to tell a much younger one that time changes things and that sometimes experience does count for better understanding in some situations. We've also lived through the teen years and I hardly recognise myself when I think of some of the choices I made and things I thought way back then. Yes, tech has changed, but my husband, who is seventy -- has always been at the cutting edge as a developer -- so age doesn't always mean tech ignorance. Same in reverse though -- being younger doesn't mean ignorance either. – WRX Apr 11 '17 at 19:29
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Leaving home isnt really the only option.

Talking is a mature and sensible method, he gets irritated, then change your tact. Also don't forget that in the last 10/15 years technology has propelled forwards. So the things that you do are really weird for him. Unless he has a computing background he wont know that 'coding' is a good thing and you can make a decent living from it.

It might take a few conversations, but they will take notice of your maturity and back off.

IF however you are being the stereotypical teenager who thinks they know the world at 17 then I'm sorry the 59 year old does know better.

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I know this is frustrating, but trust me, you will probably find yourself doing the same thing when you have a teenage child. Parenthood has a way of reorienting your priorities.

On to more constructive points: maybe your 18th birthday is an opportunity to change the frame. Shortly after the actual birthday (I'd avoid spoiling the celebration with this) have a formal conversation with both of your parents. Make this a conversation you initiate at a time of your choosing (i.e. not when you are annoyed that your father has just walked into your room for the Nth time that day). Explain that you are an adult now, entitled to your own space and freedom to run your own life. Promise that you will keep whatever you do in their house legal and conforming to any significant rules they may have (e.g. on sex or alcohol), and ask that in return they respect your room as your space. In particular, they don't enter when you are not there, and when they do come in they knock first.

  • I think we all forget that no matter how old you are, in your parents eyes you will always remain their child. So talking about privacy is not a good idea especially under the same roof. At this moment the parents are just afraid that their kids is grown and almost leaving the house. I found out that doing what your parents like before you leave the house won't do any harm. It pays off actually. Once you leave you become your own entity and responsible for you, even though they'll check on you from time to time. – Madona Syombua Oct 21 '16 at 15:06
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    @SyombuaMuthoka I don't think your opinion is correct. For example, my older brother (22 y/o) is all good and his privacy is respected by all of us (even my father). I do in the way my parents like. He wanted me to learn coding, so I did, wanted to be teaching programming, so I did, wanted me to go to gym, so I did, wanted me to study in best highschool of our city, so I did, wanted me to be home after 11 PM, so I did. I don't what else should I do, I can't stay a child anymore in anyone's eye, just like my older brothers (I'm the youngest member of family). – Ehsaan Oct 21 '16 at 15:29
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Running from the problem doesn't solve it. You want to be treated like an adult but are you willing to act like one? Then, talk to your dad in a mature way, maybe even imagine what he would say in your shoes (to one of his peers).

The best way to get the respect you desire is to earn it. One way you do that is to communicate with your father in a calm, intelligent manor. Perhaps, take him to breakfast early one morning on the weekend and discuss your perspectives man-to-man. But seek first to understand, then to be understood (only after you genuinely comprehend his point if view). One conversation won't fix everything but it's a start. Continue to act honorably like a man, keep your word and do what he asks of you and I guarantee after a few months you will earn his respect.

Remember, your father wants you to become a man just as badly as you do. Maybe reminding him of that will help him loosen up a bit.

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You are not yet 18, so please note that he and your mother are still responsible for you and that you need to abide by their house rules (even after you turn 18, house rules rule as you are a tenant). Also, who paid for the computer? Are you watching things you would not watch with the family (if they wanted to)? That's a problem. You can't expect total privacy until you are 18. Your parents are right for monitoring computer use right now until you are 18. Even after you turn 18, there's still the question of who's computer it is, and then who's network you are using. If they own either one, they have every right to monitor its use.

I would advise not overreacting by moving out before turning 18 and not before finishing high school. Suck it up, be respectful, and be thankful they are providing you a roof, food, and whatever else they pay for. Moving out early will cause unnecessary drama for years and make your life unecessarily difficult. I have no reason to believe you guys don't love each other, just that there's some disagreement about computer use.

In the large scheme of things, this is a relatively minor issue that I would not advise making into a larger issue.

It sounds to me like the father is doing this just to make sure you have your priorities straight, and are forming good computer habits going into adulthood.

**Side note: I think Big Bang Theory is a great show. Maybe your family will like it. Have them watch an episode or two, if nothing else to calm their notions of what the show is NOT. Then they can see there's nothing to worry about and will either enjoy it or relegate it to your "geeky" tastes :)

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    You absolutely have no idea about Iranian taste in shows and movies. In our taste, "The Big Bang Theory" is a sex show comparing to west people. – Ehsaan Apr 11 '17 at 17:37
  • I concede I have zero notion of what Iranian culture finds entertaining or distasteful. Come to think of it, the title sounds like an adult movie. – user24631 Apr 14 '17 at 5:16
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The best way to address this situation, in my opinion, is to sit down and have a calm discussion. Simply state what it is you are watching, and offer to have him watch a few episodes with you. To be honest, I had the same issues when I was around your age, and did not handle it well, I was completely defensive, and angry about it.

All this did was lead to alienation for a while, it did nothing to lessen accusations that arose due to assumptions on the part of my parents. But after having them sit down and see what it was I was watching, mainly anime like Cowboy Bebop at the time, they were less paranoid of things.

And on the statement that you would never treat your offspring the way you have been treated: It may sound cliche, but it is always surprising how when we get older, we find ourselves reacting to things in the ways our parents did, and that we swore we would never do.

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Talking is difficult. And often annoying! But talking through problems is needed when living with anyone. (Took me many years to learn this! Sometimes also the first conversation is NOT fun. But can be big relief after.) Note: I say this as someone who really prefers not to talk to people especially about personal stuff!!

Discussing on stackexchange(written communication) is good you/we can think about things said more calmly and read what we say before we submit. Maybe you could show your Dad your question and answers here as a way of opening a difficult conversation? (although the tone in the Q at the start is a bit ~uhmm~ anyway :-D it is a GOOD QUESTION!)

When I was late teenage(~1990) some things my Dad did drove me crazy. But we never talked about it. I stayed quiet, sucked it up, eventually moved away for school which was a huge relief for me. Now out relationship is good (still not much talking about serious issues! but good).

I have kids now - in fact now one is 18 (and I'm 42). You cannot have 100% privacy if you are living with other people (us from our kids and vice versa). A room in a house is your space but it's not healthy to have it a no-go area from rest of the family. If our friends come to stay they respect our family, help out, leave us know when they would be coming and going and do not bring inappropriate films/movies/stuff (without checking with us! :-o). Same goes for our family members.

I came across this book when my kids were younger: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". The book is about reading others feelings and simple communication techniques and respect (thinking about how you phrase things). I used it for my kids (and my nieces/nephews(and other kids)) AND also used it when dealing with other adults in work and elsewhere! I see the authors also have a book "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk". Anyway. That book is very good AND my kids read it and found it good too (it has cartoons and is pretty funny in places). You get the picture. I highly recommend this book as a useful and entertaining read for all ages.

BBT and pr0n Not sure how strict your Dad is actually. He has got the wrong idea about Big Bang Theory! Would showing some episodes of that to your family help? Or if he is really strict maybe it would not help!! The characters do say quite sexy or rude things sometimes. My family find it fun - our youngest kid is 10 and some of the stuff causes face palm/cringe! BUT inoffensive.

The internet does have some terrible stuff which really isn't good for anyone (of any age!) to be watching. It can be compelling so I think you might understand why your Dad would be worried about it?

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