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My child is continuously acting up at school. Almost daily she comes home with a bad note about how she wasn't nice to friends or being defiant.

I'm worried that, regardless of what actually happened, her "track record" is making things automatically her fault at school. I know she shouldn't hit or react in a physical way regardless it's just difficult getting her to really explain what happened so I can't be sure. She bit someone today and her teacher saw it. But anytime she has gotten in trouble I haven't heard anyone mention what started it. My daughter is no saint, but she hasn't had so much trouble until she started at this school.

I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like a failure. Please help!

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    Hello and welcome. To get the best answers, questions should contain as much detail as necessary to help avoid a vague/uninformed answer, like how old the child is, how long the behavior has been going on, what has been tried so far with what kind of results, if there have been any significant new events in her life, etc. We want to help, and more detailed questions get more helpful answers. Thanks, and again, welcome!
    – anongoodnurse
    Oct 14, 2016 at 22:37
  • Maybe her "friends" were also not nice to her? How old is she?
    – Ben
    Oct 14, 2016 at 23:17
  • I'm worried that may be her problem but her "track record" is making things automatically her fault at school. I know she shouldn't hit or react in a physical way regardless it's just difficult getting her to really explain what happened so I can't be sure. She bit someone today and her teacher saw it. But anytime she has gotten in trouble I haven't heard anyone mention what started it. My daughter is no saint, but she hasn't had so much trouble until she started at this school.
    – user24783
    Oct 14, 2016 at 23:25
  • Remember, children learn from example, not words. Is there the possibility she learned it from you?
    – RodolfoAP
    Oct 15, 2016 at 5:06
  • Is there any chance you can spend some time at school observing the interaction? It helped us a lot to see the cause and effect of our son's "behavioral problems". Part of it was things the teacher needed to know about how he reacts to things, and part was us helping him to understand how to react when things happen. We ended up talking about "when that little girl stuck her tongue out at you it might be because she was upset because you interrupted her..." and other things that we saw.
    – Francine DeGrood Taylor
    Oct 18, 2016 at 18:43

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Your child probably feels that the situation at the preschool is uncomfortable or threatening. Possibly the people the school wants her to consider "friends" are actually people she doesn't like. Perhaps the way the preschool is trying to control her behavior sets off contrariness in her.

I'd suggest doing two things:

  1. Talk to your child and see if you can get her view of the situation. She may not be anxious to talk about it, but you may still be able to get some information, especially if you say that you will try to make things better for her at the school.

  2. Then, arrange an appointment to talk to the school about the situation. Tell them that you want to figure out together what you can do at home and what they can do at school to improve your child's behavior at the school.

Hopefully, with your knowledge of your child, you'll be able to get a better handle on what is causing the misbehavior, and you'll be able to work out with the school some strategies to help improve things for your child and to help make her behavior better for the school.

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