Son cries intensively every morning when I bring him to day care, but he ostensibly likes it there

Question

My son (2y5m) always cries when I bring him to the day care in the morning. I thought it could be because he doesn't really like it very much there, and would rather stay some time with his dad.

However, the people working at the day care told me that he stops crying after not even 5 minutes and plays very well by himself or with the other kids. Sometimes when I want to pick him up in the afternoon, he even tells me he wants to stay and play a little more. I ask him every day how it was, and he often tells me that it was fun.

I'm just very confused by this behaviour. He's been in this particular kindergarden for 3 months now, so the initial thought that he just needs to adjust also hasn't proven true.

I'm at a loss as to why he's crying in the morning, when he apparently really likes it there. Is there anything I can do or should I just try to wait this behaviour out?

Answer 1

I'm at a loss as to why he's crying in the morning, when he apparently really likes it there.

Because toddlers are highly compressed balls of contradictory emotions which change on a dime and all of which feel unbelievably intense to them.

In that moment I am sure that's exactly what he feels: he wants to stay with you. So he cries. Then shortly after you're gone and it's not an option any more, he has fun. It's identical to this:

Sometimes when I want to pick him up in the afternoon, he even tells me he wants to stay and play a little more.

I am happy right now, don't change anything!

The problem isn't the emotion or whether he has fun once he accepts that he's there, it's the pivot. So you need to focus on making that handoff with less misery.

Every kid is different, but for my similarly aged son we focus almost immediately on talking about the day and what's coming. Nine times out of ten he says some variety of I don't want to go to school. We say you have to, without any real heat or making a big deal about it and go on with the morning routine.

While we do so we talk about his day. Do you think you will see your friend Mason? Are you more excited about puzzles or time in the playground? Today is art day! Are you going to paint or use crayons? What do you think is for lunch today? None of it really matters other than to communicate this is what's going to happen and to put a positive spin on it.

Answer 2

This is called "separation anxiety". It's a sign of a strong, loving bond, with parents. It causes some distress for parents, because no-one likes to see their child crying. But those tears stop very quickly after the parent has left.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/Pages/separation-anxiety.aspx

Answer 3

Are you carrying you child into the classroom? We have found that holding the kids hand and helping them walk into the classroom helps them disengage easier than carrying the kids and handing them off or putting them down at the classroom door.

Answer 4

Have you tried a role play? Give him a choice; "you can hug goodbye crying, or you can hug goodbye happy". Ask the teacher to meet you at the door, she takes him, quick hug, disconnect and go. Role play this at home at a calm time, at home. When you get to school, just play it out the same way as you did with the role play. Don't get into consoling, or doing favors. He will keep you jumping through hoops if he can to keep you there. It sounds though that you just drop off. That's good. Hug, "I love you, see you later." Done. Be confident. There's a process behind every behavior. It's a how to process, rather than a why. Which means that there is a step by step procedure he follows internally and externally, wherein crying is one of the steps. We all do it. We are usually more aware of it when trying to implement changes like a new diet, or getting rid of a habit. One step triggers the next. So, throw a wrench into it. Interrupt the process. By having teacher greet you at the door and whisk your boy away with a quick I love you and see you later... It could do the trick.
At home spend more 1 to 1 time. In twenty years working with hundreds of families, I swear by this simple strategy. Most of us spend a lot of time around our kids, and very little time getting into their world, connecting. So, 1 to 1 time is about being present, focused, uninterrupted, 1 to 1 interaction with your child for 10 minutes (min) twice per day. No cell, no electronic devices. Be present, be curious, be there with your head and body. Suggestion... spend some 1 to 1 time before school in the morning. Tell him how you would love to do this again in the evening or later. Ask him what kind of activity he might like to do later. Tell him how you're looking forward to it. This will help you be proactive. Be consistent with both strategies. Please let me know how you made out of if you have more questions or comments.

Answer 5

As already said this is very very normal. I've volunteered at many programs where parents have to drop kids off and I've seen this very behavior numerous times.

Kids suffer from separation anxiety, they are use to their parents taking care of them and so get afraid when their parent's leave because they aren't sure if they are safe without parents to protect them. So the kid cries at first at being separated.

However toddlers live in the moment. As soon as you are out of sight he will forget his anxiety and then be free to play and enjoy himself.

To give a comparison one 3 year old I knew both adored our classroom and had some of the worst separation anxiety I've ever seen. She would bawl her eyes out until distracted, then get down and play happily immediately after distracted from her crying. She was so bad at it I'd resorted to pretending to trip or hit something while holding her on occasion just to jossel her enough to get her attention, then we would play a quick game where I challenged her to not smile in such an absurd manner she always ended up smiling and off she would go enjoying herself the rest of the class.

Anyways the point is it's normal and not a problem and he will grow out of it. Having said that as someone who's had to take a crying kid from their parents let me tell you the one thing I often wanted to scream at some of the parents, hand the kid over and get out. Your kid will continue crying as long as you are around to remind him of his anxiety (and he thinks there is a chance his crying may work to get you to stay). I can't distract the kid and make him happy until you are gone. Please don't hang around trying to comfort him or reassure him, tell him you love him and then leave quickly so the staff can distract the kid and he can then go on having fun the rest of the day.