Should I make contact with my son's dad after 3 years?

Question

My 6 year old son's dad hasn't been in his life for over 3 years now. He is getting older now and asking questions about daddy. Me and his dad have had a volatile relationship, we were both young and eventually fell apart shortly after our son was born. Since then he was in and out of his life until shortly before his third birthday. I can now see he wasn't ready for the responsabilities of being a full time dad. He would often cut all contact for months (and when he did have him he would just leave him at his parents whilst he went out). He never actually showed interest in his son. I was always the one to make the first step to get back in touch. I usually did that by contacting his family, who were a bit difficult to deal with due to religious choices, but always happy to see their grandson nethertheless.

I got into a new relationship and this didn't go down well with my sons dad. It was causing alot of aggrevation to everyone including his family who were the ones looking after my son on the weekends that he was supposed to be with his dad. Often when he was meant to drop our son back he would disappear to his friends' house. Because his family had religious beleifs, I would have to stand outside for hours until they finished praying. I would often be driving home at 10pm when both me and my son would have an early start the next day. This was obviously causing grief to everyone especially my son. That's when I told his dad that I would go to court to get a contact order that he has to stick to, if he does wish to be a part of our sons life. That was the last time I ever heard from him. No phone calls on my sons birthdays, Christmas, nothing. Not even a card from him or his family. He knew my adress up to about 6 months ago where I moved to another city. He knows my phone number, e-mail address, and he's not blocked on any social networks. If he really wanted to be a part of his life, he easily could have contacted me.

His dad is nog physically or mentally abusive, nor is he on drugs or alcoholic. I think he and our son could have a good relationship, should he want one.

Should I make the first step yet again? Should I encourage my child to have a relationship with his dad even though he has shown absolutuley no interest in wanting one?

Answer 1

No.Do not make the first step again.

This is a difficult question to answer. My takeaway from the context is that your child's father shows little consistency and not much in responsibility. Children need good role models and I feel the last thing your son needs is inconsistency and irresponsibility, the effects of that will cause him confusion and that will be reflected in his behaviours.

If in the last three years he has not made contact, then it's his loss. He has shown by his own behaviour that he's not interested. Do don't make any move to initiate contact. Let it be.

Answer 2

You are welcome to give you son his Dad's phone number and let him call if he is interested. Then he can get it straight from the horse's mouth. I personally wouldn't force the relationship. The biological mother of my children had a new baby and left town a month later. Eventually my kids were curious enough about her to make contact. They saw what a loser she was and haven't had contact again until this day. I've seen it. Time takes care of everything. Be a good Mom and be willing to support your son but stay out of his relationship with his dad (apart from being a good listener and supportive Mom).

Answer 3

I would just send him a message saying you will keep a phone number available for his son, and offer to keep yours available to him should he wish to make contact. One day he might think better of his actions and choose a better course of trying to make things up. This has to be his choice though and you cannot make a horse drink, you can only make sure the trough is available.