Should I show more anger when unhappy with a child's actions?

Question

I am naturally a very conserved and patient person. I think this is sometimes confusing to a 4 year-old, who can easily tell when his mother is unhappy with him due to her tone of voice. For me, I may tell him to stop (or else, etc.), in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, which generally doesn't do anything unless he is pre-inclined to agree.

The time when it is most annoying is when I don't think the action itself requires disciplinary action. It is just annoying me. Like constantly buzzing his lips and blowing raspberries. Apparently, he can enjoy doing it for long periods of time, and really if he's having fun with it, should I care? Usually I might ask him to stop, but then just let it go, because I don't want to put him in time-out for it.

Meanwhile, his mother can just say his name in a warning tone of voice and he'll stop. It's worth mentioning that he is not as familiar with me. We've known and been around each other pretty often for almost 6 months.

Should I make more effort to say my words in a different tone of voice? Should I be more harsh, and start using time-outs even though his choice of fun is just annoying me a bit? Or do I just continue as I have been, and rely on the fact that eventually we'll better understand each other and he'll grow out of it?

Answer 1

I just want to add something to what was said above. I find with 4 years, they understand the difference between commands and requests. I think this is important, and it is important to honor them.

If you say: 'Stop throwing your cars, now!' it is a command. If he asks why, you can say it might damage the cars, the house, it is not a a good way to play with cars. If he doesn't stop, you can follow up with appropriate discipline or distraction.

If you say: 'Please stop blowing raspberries' it is a request. And that might be ok, you said you don't want to discipline him over stuff like this. It does mean you have to accept his decision to say 'no'. If you are unwilling to take no for an answer, then do not phrase it like a request.

I think there is some value in teaching children about requests, and letting them make their own choices. For things you can live with.

Another option here, is to find some minor options which are not really discipline. Like 'I am tired of your blowing raspberries. If you want to continue, please go to another room. if you wish to stay here, you can't do that'. (Of course, if he doesn't pick either of those options, you are bound to follow through)

as for getting mad - I think it is OK to show children you have feelings, but I don't think that it is a good way to discipline or get children to do what you say. If you are naturally a person checking your emotions and being calm, be that person. Don't fake emotions.

Answer 2

I agree with what Michael has said, but I'd add (in comments if I could) that using the "Stop, or else" method is only effective if you follow through on the "or else" portion. If you can't manage to do that, or, as you've said, it doesn't seem worth it to punish the action then try and use different terminology. If you don't follow through children will often see this as an empty threat and this sense can lead to ignoring your authority altogether.

Always give clear explanations as to why the behavior is aggravating you, giving a child the ability to understand how an action can be distracting or upsetting is a great tool for reducing behavior issues and building trust in a relationship, ultimately leading to respect. I often have to use similar techniques in the classroom.

Answer 3

At this point the child clearly does not see you as an authority figure, and he won't until such time as you become one. How, if, and when that happens needs to be a discussion between you and the child's mother - it isn't something you can do unilaterally - because not many parents think highly of anyone else disciplining their children. I say that only because you don't describe the child as yours, and if I am wrong on that point please correct me.

On the positive side, it sounds as though this child does know how to take direction without much fuss, so once you take on that role it should go fairly smoothly.

But when the time comes, no - try not to show yourself as angry. Stern yes. In command yes. But not angry for minor things like this. The child needs to respect your position, wheras anger breeds fear instead.