I'm 17 now, I was always close with my mother, there was an immediate bond and we got along great, similar personalities, sense of humour, etc. My dad on the other hand was an alcoholic, he will always be even though he's not a heavy drinker anymore. When I was little I didn't know what this was so I loved him, then my mother would start telling me and my older brother horrible things about my father. They don't love each other you see. She stayed with him so we would have a financially secure childhood.
But she despises him, they can't be in the same room together without fighting, yes me and my brother have had enough money for some of life's little luxuries, but at what cost?
My home is broken, my mother can tell you countless horrible things about anyone in our family, except me and my brother of course.
I remember, when I was little how she would make me laugh, I can still hear my laugh as a little boy, it's contagious, but now, now it's different. She still makes me laugh but I don't feel quite so, happy.
This may be due to the stress due to exams or my not knowing what I want to do in the future but I also feel a lack of an emotional connection with her, I feel less remorse after an argument, I'm less interested in her stories, i want to say I love her dearly, but I'm not entirely certain what the love a child has for a parent feels like. And you can't exactly google that. I read online that it may be the developmental schism, but I don't know if that happens to someone my age.
As I've gotten older I've seen more of my mothers flaws, things that as a child you would call mummy's magic powers or something, you'd put it down to how mothers are. But I wonder if it's just her? There are different rules to her that the rest of us, she can say how something we do is perceived negatively but we can not by any means do the same. She can use attitude with us first but the second we do it back we did it first and it's a nightmare. Then there's after an argument where I've supposedly done something wrong she gives me something, sort of passive aggressively, like she'll argue with me and then come into my room with something small like a toothbrush(new) and say 'I got this for you today because I saw your old one was just about done', and I can hear the venom in her voice and its shocking, when I do something 'wrong' she never wants to talk to me about it first, she just gets angry and it feels like she doesn't listen.
I can't wait to move out, rule free is one reason, another is to want to see a therapist, I want to know what's up with my mind cause I dunno if it's normal, and I don't feel comfortable asking.
I don't feel comfortable telling my mother a lot.
She only discovered about my first 'girlfriend'(together for 5 months, not official, no sexual relations) when I was to emotionally destroy get to hide it, not for lack of trying though and the next week when I could hide it I did, I was only gonna tell her about them if we became official. And even then after a 'safe zone' of time cause a lot of relationships my mates have at my age end after 2 weeks.
I don't always trust her. I don't know if I love her, cause I'm not sure what that feels like.
Additionally, if it helps I have also compiled a list of things as a parent I would do like her and another list of what I would do differently.