24

If your grownup children still live at home, should they share cost of living in the common household?

  • 1
    Personally as long as I'm alive and able my children will always have a home if they need it. I wouldn't charge them rent. However i would also not expect them to behave as passing tenants while they lived there, they would have to respect my rules and wishes which would probably go beyond what you could expect from someone that was paying for the accommodation. – user1450877 Apr 7 '17 at 13:42
  • 1
    @user1450877 I agree. I'd not want my kid living in the basement, toking and playing games on the PC. They would have to be actively looking for work and contributing cleaning, errands and chores. This does not include illness or a short term stay whist they get back on their feet after personal loss. – WRX Apr 7 '17 at 16:05
  • If they are living in the basement taking drugs and playing video games then they have other issues they obviously need help with. – user1450877 Apr 7 '17 at 16:07
  • Personally I think this needs to factor the needs of the household. If you're all dead broke and every cent counts then yeah, help out or get your own trailer. If youre rich like a rockafeller then making them contribute isnt really teaching them anything. Some cultures it's expected. So pretty much case by case. I don't think making them pay rent just because is like a life lesson or anything. But contributing to common way is just considerate and more appreciated than not. That doesn't necessarily have to be monetary. Household upkeep is good in my book – Kai Qing Apr 7 '17 at 16:20
  • @KaiQing I don't necessarily think it'd be unreasonable for even financially well-off parents to charge their adult children rent. Staying for free indefinitely doesn't give the child incentive to become independent, and some people need that extra motivation. I knew someone who had some difficulty transitioning to adulthood, and didn't even attempt to become independent until his parents started charging rent. I agree it's very much a case-by-case determination, though. – Nuclear Wang Jan 10 '18 at 17:17

11 Answers 11

26

There are two possible extremes here--demanding rent as soon as they turn 18 years old, or allowing them to stay for free indefinitely regardless of their social, educational, or vocational status. I assume most of us will agree that the best answer is somewhere between these extremes, but determining exactly where isn't easy. And because family and individual situations are different, there is no "best solution" that is best in all cases.

As long as staying at home is not preventing the child from progressing socially, educationally, and/or vocationally, I see no problem with them staying for free. If they just graduated and got a new job or just started going to school, staying at home (for free) can be a great way for them to save up for future financial independence. On the other hand, if they're not taking advantage of that opportunity to save and prepare, staying at home for free is a hindrance to them.

So there is not a set age or social status that defines when a child should be required to pay rent (or even be allowed to stay at home any more). Make sure your child know what you expect of them in terms of their financial independence, and make sure you understand their expectations as well. Set some goals and guidelines and then determine how strict you will need to be with those guidelines. As others have mentioned, a lot of this comes down to communication.

| improve this answer | |
  • 4
    Great answer. I just wanted to add that one way to ensure they are "taking advantage of the opportunity to save and prepare" is to put their rent money into a savings account. – Karl Bielefeldt Dec 8 '11 at 16:45
  • 4
    The way my parents did it, after you graduated high school, you got your summer free. After that, you had to either be working full time, going to school full time, or doing both part time. If you chose the second or third option, you did not have to pay rent. If you chose the first, you either had to pay rent or be putting the same amount of money into savings. – Kevin Mar 6 '13 at 16:25
  • My parents would allow me to live for free as long as I was working towards a degree. After that, if I was pursuing a career or working and saving money, they were okay with that too. If they thought I was making decisions that would cause me to not progress, then they would threaten rent. – tmn Jul 30 '15 at 11:57
17

I feel that all adults living in the household need to actively contribute to the maintenance of the household.

This does not necessarily need to be financial, although that is the simplest and most obvious. It could instead include things like taking on more of the cleaning, cooking, and general household maintenance. It may include driving elderly family members around and running regular errands.

The biggest key is communication, sit down with them and discuss their situation and come up with a plan that is fair to all involved.

In the cases where there is a large amount of tension between parties consider bringing in a third party to help come up with the plan.

Remember that eventually the plan would need to be revised as the family situation changes, the adult child's financial state changes, and/or things begin to break down.

| improve this answer | |
  • 1
    As an example with this: As a 23 year old living with my parents, our agreement was that until I had my own income, I could stay with them for free provided I did my part of the chores (dishes, my own bedroom,helping in the garden). Once I started earning my own income, I had a rent of 300 EUR per month, which was recently raised to 400 EUR (but we also agreed at the same time that I didn't have to pay my personal food when we went for a restaurant dinner). Own income included my unemployment compensation and my disability income. – Nzall Sep 1 '14 at 10:36
8

As with all things, "it depends."

I think that if the child is an adult then they should be paying rent unless there's a good reason not to. (e.g. In college or home on winter/summer breaks, studying for bar exams or similar professional credentials, searching for job, destitute, separating from spouse, etc.)

I've also heard of parents doing this and saving all that money to give back to the child in the future.

| improve this answer | |
  • 1
    I really like that second idea, and I'd hope anyone who had the financial freedom (and none of the other extenuating circumstances you suggest) to do so would consider that technique. Even if the adult child was studying, etc it may be worth asking a monthly "payment" properly proportional to their income to set aside in aid of becoming independent later. Just to help establish some financial responsibility while they are leaning on family for support. – Saiboogu Mar 30 '11 at 16:33
5

My parents made it clear from a young age that when we were done with High School we were only able to stay at home if we were in college. And if we were staying at home we had to either help out with our share of chores or pay rent.

One thing I appreciated was them always being consistant and letting us know well before the time came what to expect.

With my son, if I charged rent would entirely depend on the situation, is he going to school or doing something productive to enhance his future? Then I would just ask for him to help out with chores and let him know that not paying rent is our way of supporting him and helping him to focus on his studies so he doesn't need to work as much which could distract from school.

If he is just being a bum, working a minimum wage job just to get money to hang out with his friends all the time then I would require rent, to start getting him used to the real world where we have expenses and cannot just blow all of our money on fun stuff all the time.

| improve this answer | |
4

When I was living with my parents, I made the decision on my own to help them with the household expenses particularly with the utility bills and other expenses. My parents have done so much things for me, and I believe it is a way of lending them a hand, so they can also enjoy the fruits of their labor.

I believe that adult children need not be told that they should help or not, one should take their own decision to at least help the parent considering that they are already earning.

| improve this answer | |
1

Where I live (Australia—Victoria, specifically), this isn't the norm—probably because of how university ("college" in America) is handled here. The government loans money to students (for basically no interest, other than indexing with inflation), which is paid back automatically as part of tax once your income exceeds a certain threshold (i.e. usually after you've got your degree).

Hence, while it's common for university students to have a part-time job, it's not necessary, and because it's not like your parents are paying for your education, the living arrangement often continues as it was in high school.

Of course, it varies wildly from family to family; in my family, I moved out once as soon as I turned 18 (which I'm sure happens commonly elsewhere), while others stayed until they were in their mid-late twenties and got married. I have a 23-year old brother still at home who's just finished his degree, and will probably move out once he has a job.

When we were in more financial difficulty (~10 years ago), the older kids (who were already working part-time) did contribute board (or "rent"), but I wouldn't be surprised if that was just of their own choice and recognition of the times we were in.

(And I'm one of five, which is why I seem to have brothers and sisters coming out my ears.)

| improve this answer | |
1

I can think of several reasons why an adult would be living with their parents.

  1. Financial dependence (they can't get a good job).
  2. Physical dependence (such as a disability).
  3. Emotional dependence (they can't get their act together).
  4. To help out (for example, with an aged or infirm parent).

With situation 1, provided the adult is making positive steps towards financial independence, I don't see how asking them for rent is going to get them out of the house faster. If they aren't at least trying to take such steps, I don't see why you should let them live in your house. On the other hand, helping out by paying rent and doing chores is probably good for the self esteem, so it might be beneficial as an act of support.

With situation 3, bad things are going on in everyone's life. Situationally, if the adult is dealing with addiction problems or mental illness of some kind, they probably need treatment or therapy. I would not charge rent for a person in this situation, but I would not let them live with me if they were not participating in the treatment/therapy they need.

The goal is to achieve independence. I would charge rent in a situation where charging rent furthered that goal, but not otherwise.

Situations 2 and 4 are probably out of scope for this question.

| improve this answer | |
  • I would add a 5th option: comfortability. A big house with plenty of room, single adult children (that have proved are able to live independently) with no financial problems. A formal or informal rent should be paid. – Carlos Eugenio Thompson Pinzón Sep 10 '13 at 22:29
0

As others have said, it depends very much on circumstances.

Is this right out of high school, or out of college? Did the parents offer, or were their asked by the offspring? Do the parents have the means, or is it a burden? Are they trying to teach self-sufficiency, or is there mental illness (or drugs) involved?

Only one of my kids lived with me after college. To make it more interesting, he brought along a friend! They were both experiencing the 'I'm just out of college and can't find a meaningful job' dilemma. The only requirement was that they help out at home and clean up after themselves. If they could, they were to provide food occasionally. I thought their existential dilemma was enough for them to deal with at the moment.

After a predetermined amount of time had passed, they either had to be working full time, in school full time, or a combination of both. If not, they had to find other living arrangements.

I think it was the right thing for them at that time.

| improve this answer | |
0

I would have to say that once the child is out of full time education and has a paid job they should contribute to the household but it should be fair.

I myself lived with my Mother till I was around 21. I had a paid job from the age of 18. I paid, what we called board and it was around £80 a month which isn't much but I was only earning £400 a month myself and I did have my own expenses (car, phone, clothes etc) which I handled myself. As my wage increased so did my board. That being said, when the time came for me to move out we placed a hold on the board so I could save as much money as possible. This is what I mean by fair.

Is this something I will impose on my own children as they grow up? Definitely. Contributing to your parents household is nothing compared to doing it on your own and it gives your child an understanding of paying their way. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever learnt, moving out. Finally independence! But it came it a cost and a big one at that. I'd gone from paying £120 a month board to paying £450 a month rent...and then the rest.

The problem quite a few parents have had is that their child has no motivation to find a job. They have the easy life of parents doing everything for them. I think in this situation you have to be the motivation. Don't do everything and get them to pull their weight around the house.

| improve this answer | |
-1

I think as a child becomes older than 18 and still living at home and working and going to school should probably not have to pay rent unless there are major financial hardships in paying the mortgage.

Having said that, a lot of families went through the housing crisis and need every adult living on the home to contribute in some way or another. Adult children can pay a household bill which helps a great deal and gives them a sense of responsibility. If they pay absolutely nothing and instead just go to the mall and blow their paychecks they will never learn how to save or budget. It's better to train them early or it will be a very depressing wake up call out on their own. Teach them young! Money matters!

| improve this answer | |
  • I think a pretty fair standard is that if they're still in college, either locally or housed at school during the school year, then they get a free pass. Once they no longer are "students," full-time (usually 21-ish in the USA), housing expenses are part of life as an independent adult, and some sort of chip-in is not unreasonable. In fact, most kids wanting to come back home, short or long term, should offer without having to be asked first by the parents. – PoloHoleSet Jun 5 '17 at 17:11
-10

You wanted to have kids, now support them. They didn't ask to be born did they? This world is not very safe, financially or other wise. If you chose to have children, take care of them. Kind of immoral to bring someone to the world against their will and then ask them for money.

| improve this answer | |
  • 5
    Hi, and welcome to the site. I downvoted this answer because it seems incredibly broad to categorically say that no one should ever have to pay their parents for anything, even once they are grown. Teaching financial responsibility is just as much a part of parenting as taking care of them (they are really one and the same). The whole "they didn't ask to be born" argument is also one that I cannot find any validity to. If you can refine this answer to be more specific, and less categorical, it would probably help considerably. – user420 Mar 4 '13 at 16:13
  • 1
    Did they ask to be born? No. So it's a fact, hence valid. If your kid decides life isn't worth it and wants to commit suicide, would you let him? No, so if you brought him here and want to keep him alive even if that is not his will, take care of him. It's your responsability really. I'm sure if well educated he has financial responsability anyway. Sometimes people have issues, psicological or of other nature. A better answer to the original question would be to "Find out what issues are stopping your son\daughter from having financial independence". Forcing them to pay rent is ridiculous. – lo-fi Mar 4 '13 at 17:23
  • 4
    I disagree, both with your reasoning and conclusion. However, this is not a format in which to debate. I merely posted my comment because it is generally considered most helpful to provide an explanation when down-voting a question or answer. Feel free to edit your answer to include the expanded explanations you provided in your last comment. – user420 Mar 4 '13 at 17:36
  • 2
    Paying board, doing chores and helping with the running of a household is (IMHO) part of growing up and part of a child's education. You are not doing them any favours by mollycoddling them into their twenties (thirties, forties - when does it stop?). – dave Mar 6 '13 at 0:53
  • I'm 50 now. Does this apply to my parents, too? Seems like an awfully broad statement. – PoloHoleSet Jun 5 '17 at 17:08