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Please advise me how to solve this sensitive issue so that my son and the girl both understand.

My son, who is studying 12th std, is attracted to a girl of same class who is his tuition mate and stays nearby in the same layout. I found their late night chats on WhatsApp.

How can I get my son to stop all this and focus on his studies, which is very crucial now?

  • This needs much more context I'm afraid. At the least, where are you from, how old are these kids, how long has it been going on, what makes you think he's going to stop his studies, and preferably more. – Erik Sep 5 '15 at 7:58
  • Welcome to Parenting.SE! Can you please add some more details to help us give you a better answer? In addition to what Erik noted above: Are his grades already suffering or are you just worried that might happen? – Acire Sep 5 '15 at 8:13
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    Please could you edit your question to not use abbreviations. – Ed Heal Sep 5 '15 at 10:14
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    My son is 16 yrs old and the girl also maybe in the same frame almost.he is very bright student & now beause of this new friendship with this girl ,otherwise he is not so with others in his college..iam afraid this will ruin his studies as itis his turningpoint of life in Acaedemics ..i just dnt wnt to hurt or drag the matter but handle polite & sensitivly in such a way that they both can understand & start focusing on their studies..& i think its just started taking turn this way.. – single parent Sep 5 '15 at 10:38
  • Thank you for clarifying! He still lives at home with you, correct? – Acire Sep 5 '15 at 13:13
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I think you need to follow your concern with his studies to its logical conclusion: if his studies are not suffering then there is no reason for you to object to their relationship (her studies I would leave to her parents). So I would suggest you talk to your son about your concerns, but make it clear that you are happy for them to pursue this relationship as long as his schoolwork does not suffer. That way you look reasonable (nothing will put a teenager's back up faster than a parent making arbitrary rules) and at the same time you gain extra leverage if his studies start to flag for any reason at all. You also get to say things like "you can go out with her on Saturday night as long as you have finished all your homework by then".

Bear in mind that one of the most effective ways to make him determined to play Romeo to her Juliet is to forbid him to see her.

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I don't suggest that you tell either one that they need to stop talking completely. For one thing, it's possible that this is simply a friendship, not anything romantic. For another, teenagers tend to find things more appealing and interesting once they are forbidden. Since they are in the same school, they'll be seeing each other in person frequently -- a ban on communication becomes either somewhat awkward, or incredibly tempting (for one or both)

However, it is very reasonable to set down some rules about when and how much they can chat. For example, you might allow him free time for an hour before bed, during which he may call or chat with her. Late-night chats are not appropriate, however, since that cuts into his sleep. Outline the schedule in advance and be clear that this can escalate if his grades do start to suffer (for example, less chat time is allowed, fewer outings, etc.)

You could also consider inviting her over to your house so they can study together, which gives them some "together" time but in a supervised, structured fashion that also emphasizes the importance of academics.

I do suggest that whatever structure you put in place should be universal: if he is not allowed to text this friend after 8pm, he is also not allowed to text other friends. This will reassure them both that it's not their relationship that is motivating the rules, it's his grades and academic performance.

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