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I'm a child and not a parent. I don't understand what to do in the situation I'm describing below.

I have both my parents and a brother.

It all started a 2 years back.

2 years back we were all living a happy life, understanding each other and obviously loving each other. Smiling at each other. Most importantly I used to share everything with my parents.

It was my 10th standard with I joined a tuition class nearby. That Aunty who taught us was (is) a wonderful and a helpful person and so I used to stay after class for about 10-15 minutes daily discussing the new things which I found out in maths (she taught us maths) while hoping to get some more facts regarding that topic. I constantly told my parents how awesome she was*. My parents then decided to visit her place once for the praise.

*but at times I also told that her teaching style didn't suite me well, we never had discussions in her class. Which I don't think was the reason behind my parents' visit, because I praised more.

I don't know what happened that day at her place. But I soon released that it wasn't a good meeting, when my mother asked me: why I disturbed her after classes and tried to "teach" her? Soon after my mother started thinking that I wanted to "show off" my knowledge in front of her*. I must say, I really had no intentions of doing this. So I started leaving the class before everyone else.

*It took me about a week to completely realise what my mom was actually asking me, obviously she didn't ask me this directly.

After that incident I don't feel comfortable in sharing anything with my mother, since my mother started blaming me for everything that happened in my life, it felt as if suddenly everyone else became ideal humans for her.

This distancing increased when I became busy studying for JEE. I really conversed very less with her, I and my dad both were interested in tech and science we both talked a lot about latest things happening around the globe.

Probably my mom started thinking that I didn't want to talk to her. This I feel has made her irritate on tiny mistakes of mine.

To add more trouble: my brother is really a smart child, he knows very well how to escape situations* and very good at fooling others. At times I shout at him mainly to make him close doors behind him, to wash his hands and legs properly after playing in the mud (my parents are not bothered much about this but he really comes out of the bathroom in just a few seconds, obviously without touching soup). This shouting triggers response at the other corner of the house and my mother comes running and then starts shouting on me without having a look at his mistakes).

*He initiates the fight and then escapes by doing what I wanted him to do since the beginning, and hence giving my mother a reason to shout at me: "don't you have patience?". I'm sure that if the situation would not have turned this serious my brother would never listen to me.

Today I had another serious verbal fight with my parents regarding my brother's irritating actions and his uncleanliness. I think my dad understands what is going on and so every time he controls the situation by making my mother quite without telling me anything, this obviously irritates my mother. My mother, today told that even the maid working at our neighbour's house has a better life than hers because she is the one who has to listen to my dad.

I believe that the meeting with my teacher has made my mother look at me with a foul vision. My mother now always tries to find my faults*. And our relation is now not so good. Now, I try to avoid interactions with her.

*to such a limit that it made her think that I have so much of attitude that I couldn't ask for another roti myself during dinners. While watching TV with my father and brother, I really didn't see how much of roti is remaining in my plate and so didn't bother to ask for more roti(s). I was so engrossed in watching television that I actually didn't concentrate on eating, and quietly picked up rotis being placed on the dining table.

There have been numerous verbal fights between me and my brother, and hence There have been quite a lot of incidents when my dad has controlled my mother without telling anything to me.

Of course there some more factors which have led to this situation, like to avoid talking to my mother I started watching TV during dinners, earlier we used to discuss what had happened that day.

I am now feeling as if I'm not living with my own family, there is no love, no laughing, no jokes shared. Everyone is very "serious" now. No one smiling. There is an imaginary boundary separating us now. We're becoming robots now.

Is there anything I could do now? Ps: I cried while writing this

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    Questions are not off-topic just because they're asked from the child's perspective. – Acire Jul 1 '15 at 18:27
  • @NoName are you still here? How'd it all go? Any updates? – Dariusz Jul 8 '15 at 12:37
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This is a tough situation. I can't possibly know a reliable solution to your problem, but I have a few ideas. Consider what I write and try to adapt it to your situation.

It is possible that whatever is happening at your house has deeper origins that you think. Your mother being mad at you may be just a sign of a deeper problem with your parents' relationship. If so, there is little you can do to mend it. Still, you could try to improve your own relationship with your mother.

You: control your temper. I know, it's easy to say. But still, try to do it. It'll come in handy for your entire life, trust me. Never shout or scream, unless you are in danger and need help from another person. If you feel your anger building in, stop it as soon as possible. You heart may be racing, but don't let it affect your brain and lips.

Also, don't let your anger eat you inside. It's quite easy to nurture the bad feelings. Try not to.

Mother. What I'm about to suggest will be difficult do to. When you know your mother will be alone at home, go to a florist, buy a nice bouquet, then go to your mom with it. Assume a sad and regretful stance, and say something like: I love you mum, but it makes me sad when "...". Say the truth, state the facts, focus on how you feel, and don't accuse anyone of anything. Don't allow yourself to get mad and scream. Say how you wish things were and what you wish to do to achieve it. If you cry while doing this - it's actually good. You will make a stronger point.

Brother it's not your job to reprimend or supervise him. Unless whatever bad he's doing affects you personally, ignore him. Don't get mad at him, and when you do - leave. Just walk away. He can do little to actually hurt you, unless you yourself allow him to hurt you.

Family the important thing is to spend time together. Quality talk-time would be best, but any peaceful time together is good. Think what kind of influence on it you can have. Maybe you can propose a family game of monopoly, scrabble, agricola or carcassonne. Maybe you can suggest renting a particular pro-family comedy movie ("About time", "Blended"). Going to a swimming pool, zoo. Anything you can all do together.

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  • Thank you very much for your time Darius, I'll try to control my anger and ignoring him, and will gift flowers with a card. :) – No Name Jul 3 '15 at 13:05
  • Its not just the flowers, its the statement "I love you, but it makes me sad when....". This is a way to help your mum understand how you feel and hence start helping you. If you don't feel you can get it out when talking then a letter might be another way to start the conversation. But its the conversation that is the important thing here. – Paul Johnson Jul 3 '15 at 19:09
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Oh, I really wonder what happened at that meeting! And I wonder if your mother has as a need for control? Does she feel threatened by her child (you) by being inferior? Are you too intelligent for her? If you stay longer at school then you are "showing off". If you are correcting ("parenting") your sibling then she attacks you. Your brother is apparently very "street smart". And you? Your avatar name is indeed a bit geeky:)

My late mom grew up being the middle one and only intellectual one among five sisters on a farm. "Everything" she did that wasn't appropriate was frowned upon or attacked from all sides. I her only child have a dash of Asperger (maybe she had as well...) and I am also very intelligent (tested at IQ 135) so I (we) think and act different than the majority. Such a child is "weird". "Dear sister can you expect otherwise, with such a mother" sad my youngest aunt to my oldest, when discussing this odd acting boy that was me.

I suggest you in time seek friends and environments where you can grow more. In the mean time "sit calm in the boat", if you haven't moved out of your home yet. Stay neutral, avoid being openly cleverer than your mom (while you still stay at home) and let your brother take in due time the heat from his actions. Hopefully he will :) And hopefully she will feel proud of you when you are older and graduate!

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