adult child refuses to discuss his future. parents are moving, and he has no plan

Question

22 yr old refuses any topic related to what it takes for him to be on his own. He will ignore, be sarcastic, and do nothing.

Has a job but not enough money to be on his own. He has a car, a phone, health insurance and pays for phone & car insurance. He pays no rent to us.

He has ulcerative colitis and is on meds but still has problems presented by the disease. He refuses to discuss options with us or other relatives. He refuses to acknowledge he might need assistance. He refuses to fill out assistance forms from county.

When he has a problem, won't seek guidance and refuses counselling. This type of resistance has been in place for years.

Edited to add: Thank you for responses. Yes, fear could be a factor. I do go to a recovery group for relational struggles which helps. Today another relative stepped up to spend time with son and whatever they discussed seems to have been useful. One day at a time. I feel guilt for having not taken steps sooner to cause a wake up call.

Answer 1

I will hazard a guess and say that perhaps you are asking for suggestions about how to handle this.

When one family member refuses to go to family therapy, the standard advice I've heard is, go by yourself. I think that advice would apply here.

Two little ideas, though -- perhaps you could give him something in writing that lays out the basic options, along with a deadline for a decision. You could included something like this: If you haven't made a choice by May 12, Dad and I will decide for you.

And perhaps you could get him started on his way out of the nest by filling out the forms for him.

Answer 2

It seems to be the case that he's refusing to acknowledge anything about his future. This kind of thing can be due to a combination of fear and trauma, since after all, laziness is generally rooted in fear.

Since he'll accept no help at all, it's probably time to give him a wake-up call. Write down all the things he needs to do as well as all the offers of help he's been given and then treat him as a lodger -- no assistance with anything at all and he needs to pay rent, starting with a small sum incrementally increasing to market rates coincident with your moving day. A month or so of that and he should wake up enough to realise that he has to overcome his fear of stepping out. The point is that he's still close to you so can come to you for advice, yet it's no longer comfortable to keep the status quo.

Answer 3

One of the challenges that you will have to face is accepting that there is going to be pain generated by this separation. Either he is so full of anxiety that he is unable to even deal with the thought of separation, or he is taking advantage, knowing that he can defy you without consequences. Or maybe both. It may be difficult for you to know what is going on without help from a professional. Definitely seek help for yourself (don't count on getting him in at first) and your counselor should help you take the steps that you need to start moving toward a healthy separation from your adult child. It may be that will need to be on anti-anxiety treatments before he is strong enough to stand on his own feet, but it doesn't sound like he will be able to move in that direction without strong motivation from you.

But either way, if he is so openly defiant as your account suggests, it sounds like you may have had trouble in the past in delivering on promised consequences. (Forgive me if I am making bad guesses, it is only a guess and I do not mean this to sound judgmental) Punishment is a word that leaves a bad taste in many parents' minds, as it brings to mind abuse and harm, but properly applied discipline is essential for creating a healthy relationship with a child.

Society has consequences. Children who were not consistently punished for misbehavior can grow up not understanding (or not believing) that there will be consequences when they break the rules.

David Boshton's suggestions about laying out the rules is a good one. To this I will add that you need to set consequences for his not following the rules, and MOST important, you need to prepare yourselves to enforce those consequences. It will be difficult, even painful, for everyone, but it must be done if he is to achieve the independence that he needs.

What are you prepared to do if he refuses to pay rent? You may have to go so far as change the locks and not give him a key. That means if you have left the house and he gets back from work he will have to sit outside in his car waiting for you to get home. He needs to be made to understand that the place you live can no longer be his home, it is your home and he is a house guest. This will be easier once you move and he no longer has memories and a sense of entitlement attached to the house.

We all love our children, and it is painful (sometimes even more for us than for them) when we must make them unhappy. We take away something they want and believe they deserve, and they cry or they rage. I will always remember the look on my best friend's face the first time her child threw a full-on tantrum, screaming "I hate you, I hate you, you're MEAN!" and ran into her room, slamming the door. It stabs us through the heart for so many reasons. But every parent has to go through it.

Most vital of all is understanding what expectations and consequences are appropriate, hence the counseling. Personally, I think a couple of months of counseling should be mandatory for every new parent, and that occasional refreshers are healthy and beneficial. Not only will counseling help you to find the right path in this relationship, it will give you the peace of mind to know that you are doing the right thing.