I feel awful about this, but I can't keep my silence about it anymore.
I'm a 25 year old man. I am a piano teacher and have a lot of entrepreneurial/artistic dreams and goals.
I met a girl about two years ago, in the spring of 2013. We began dating seriously and I moved in with her in the June/July of 2013. Before this I had been living with my parents.
Beginning that winter, of 2013/2014, I began to lose interest in the relationship. I didn't find her mentally stimulating anymore, and I had been introduced to the concept of polyamory when I read a book on the subject. It was world changing. I had been unknowingly searching for that philosophy for years, and I so completely identified with it that I couldn't believe I had been living any other way.
However, I've always had a weakness with feelings of irrational guilt and obligation, and it's always been pretty easy for people to sway me to do what they want if they have those things on their side, and in this situation I felt extremely guilty and obligated to her. I didn't want to be with her anymore for a variety of reasons, but I felt awful and didn't break up with her like I should have. I also felt financially afraid to strike out truly on my own. I had been living with my parents before this. I also felt like I would be abandoning her to financially rely on her (awful) family. Lots of guilt.
I didn't do anything about it at all for literally months as I waffled about what to do, and eventually told her about the polyamory. She is pretty much the definition of a completely monogamous person, so she was completely horrified by the idea and not open to it at all. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, since I ultimately didn't want any relationship with her, polyamorous or otherwise.
We sometimes argued about the polyamory, but I continued to not act on it and not break up with her, feeling paralyzed by my various feelings. Time passed, and finally, this last September of 2014, I tried to break up with her. It was a huge ordeal, and despite the fact that I don't want a relationship with her and don't really like her, I'm still in love with and attached to her. It was very difficult for both of us, but in the end, her frightening statements about attempting suicide if I left (she's attempted before in her life, before I met her) were what ultimately kept me there. I also of course felt afraid and in emotional pain and guilty, etc etc.
About a month after this whole ordeal, we found out she was pregnant. She had been using birth control pills our entire relationship, and I really don't know what on earth happened. It ultimately doesn't matter.
She is completely anti-abortion, and she desperately wanted to keep the baby. Again, in the flurry of guilt and obligation I agreed to marry her (she had been hinting and pushing since at least the 6 month mark), and we got married in November of 2014.
She's now 7 months pregnant with a boy. Our relationship continued as normal (you know, considering the circumstances) and on the surface appears strong.
I however have never been more miserably unhappy. I was deeply unhappy even before the pregnancy, but now I'm basically a zombie. I trudge through my daily life, and have that intense feeling of heaviness and tightness in my chest, all of the time. I never really wanted to be a father. I always have placed more personal importance on projects and accomplishments and friendships than romance. I want to be important and powerful and change the world. I can't imagine a more miserable life than to be a monogamous family man. I realize that some people achieve great happiness with that life, but I simply don't feel that's who I am. My now wife has always been lovingly but overbearingly suffocating, and my ambitions and other friendships have all completely stagnated in the two years I've been with her. I hate the lack of freedom, I hate the sense that all my time is spoken for, I hate every second of my life. I want out intensely.
I don't know what to do. I'm so completely lost. Would my son be better off with a father who doesn't want to be around but is putting on a smiling face, or a father who was divorced early on? How do I handle my situation? What's the right thing to do? Am I defective? Am I a bad person?
She had been using birth control pills our entire relationship, and I really don't know what on earth happened. It ultimately doesn't matter.- What if she stopped using the pills to "trap" you in the relationship (which in fact is what happened)? It totally matters then. Being a good parent means having a good working relationship at the very least with your co-parent, and it seems as though both of you are nowhere near that yet.