I've had many episodes of full withdrawal from the family because I cannot face my father. Last night was another one of those episodes. We were eating dinner with the family when I made small talk about telling them about my trip to Sydney. All of it was paid by me. I am financially independent except for the fact that I'm still living with them (although I'm paying for my own share of the rent and utilities).
Then my father looks at me and starts yelling. He goes about saying that I should not have made plans. He said that as long as I live in his house, everything should be ran through them. He goes on and on and says that he is very disappointed with me, with the face that I have been scared of all of my life. He calls me worthless and a big mistake.
I have had enough and I'll be moving out. But moving out takes time. For now, I'm avoiding them as much as I can.
Earlier this evening for dinner, he goes off to my room yelling that I should eat at the dining table. I bought my own dinner so as to avoid them. Take note that he is still yelling and angry. At this point, I am too scared. I put my headphones on, focus back on my PC while eating, and he slams the door the strongest he can. And goes off yelling that I am the worst there is.
Doors in Australia generally don't have locks, so I have put my drum set (bought with 100% my money) to block the door. I no longer feel safe.
I have a theory about what he's thinking. He might be thinking that I'm purposefully making him angry by not following his instructions (not going to the dining table even if he said so), but the truth is, I'm too scared of him to even stand up.
I'm sorry if this isn't a question about parenting, but rather, about families. I don't think I have any other one to talk to this about, other than friends who would just say "You can do it" or "Just move out". I was hoping for a more in-depth answer that could help me.
I no longer feel secure and safe in my own bed. For the past few months, I occasionally dream of arguing with him, beating him up and sometimes end up killing him.
I need help.
I don't think he's going to physically hurt me, but I am emotionally and mentally beaten down. I still have the police emergency line ready, though.