Working mother but unemployed father

Question

I can't stop thinking about this. I hope someone can help me.

Just as the title says, my mother is the one who struggles to make money while my father just "eats, sleeps, repeats". He worked across the nation when he was young and earned quite a lot, so his thinking is, My savings will be enough for myself, and my wife is doing okay with her job.

I believe the money won't last, and the money my mother earns is not enough for us. I feel really sad that my mother works so hard but doesn't get much. She always prioritizes my needs and doesn't enjoy the earnings herself. My father has experience and knowledge about business, but he is just lazy.

Can you please tell me how to talk to my father about this issue and to tell him to get a job to provide for us? Your help is much appreciated.

Answer 1

By your own words, your father's belief and your's disagree. Now most parents don't go around proferring the exact nature of their finances to their children, so on that basis I presume you are coming to your own conclusions without sufficient knowledge.

You say that your mother struggles to earn money: welcome to life... we all do! You say that she works hard and doesn't get paid enough: again, welcome to life... we all do!

Now, all of that in context, you must realize that all people have a different set of values. Perhaps your mother and father have already discussed family finances and determined what they are willing to accept. In that case, who are you to interfere? I most certainly would not let my child interfere with family finances, though I do educate her about managing one's finances.

To be 100% straight forward, approaching your father to challenge his role in the family finances is 100% the wrong thing to do -- it is not your place and it is disrespectful for you to do so.

Now, it is 100% in your place to be confused and curious and want to understand. If you approach him by stating the facts and that you don't "get it" and you honestly listen to his reply so as to learn his thinking without the presumption of challenging him, then you will be doing your "role" (per se) as a child and ask your parent for guidance.

You may agree with his (and your mother's) thinking. You may not. You may even know that your mother's thinking is different. It is not your place to interject. Your parents are responsible for their own relationship and you are not their mitigator. Learn from them; love them; know that you'll occasionally disagree with them, but never think of yourself as appropriate to manage their relationship -- only they can do that.

Answer 2

It is fairly normal for one parent to work and the other to stay home and look after children.

It is what happens in my family. I work full time, my wife works one day a week (her choice completely), and spends the rest of the time looking after our two children. I prioritize my families financial needs over my own gratification just like you say your mother does, that is also a normal thing to happen.

I don't really see any problem other than your parents are not conforming to traditional gender roles but it isn't something you should worry about. Is your mother complaining to you about the situation ?, If that is the case you should ask her to talk to your father about it and not burden you with the problem because it isn't for you to deal with.

Also when I was younger without children I also traveled a lot for work and earned more money than I do right now, the money was better but the work is a lot harder, constant traveling, living out of suitcases in a hotel and being away from your family is a high price to pay and does take its toll on a person. If i did that now we would be better off financially but worse off as a family, my wife would not want me to constantly be away from home not seeing her or our children. Maybe your mother feels the same way and has requested that he stop and is willing to work herself in order for him to be able to stop.

Answer 3

I applaud you for wanting to have this tough conversation with your dad. Here are some basic steps for starting this type of conversation:

1. State the problem: Dad, I noticed that you have decided to no longer contribute to the family finances.
2. State the impact of the problem is having: This impacts the family. Mom can cover our needs with her salary, but there is no extra for savings, emergencies, or life's little extras.
3. State what the future will be like if there is no change: If things continue as they are, we could run out of money. Mom could get burned out from trying to support us all. And if something happens to Mom, like she got sick and had to miss work for awhile, we would not be able to make our bills.
4. Invite the other person to talk about the problem: What's going on that you think it's okay not to help out?

Be aware that people only change if they want to change, and letting your Dad know how worried you are may not change anything. If the conversation elicits some emotion from him, that could motivate change.

What's happening in your family is mostly about the imbalance in the relationship between your parents, so ultimately it is they who will need to sort it out. You might consider having this tough conversation with your mother instead, since she is in a better position to negotiate change with your dad that you are. Simply change the opening statement to: Mom, I noticed that Dad no longer contributes to the family, and you are allowing it to go on. Change the the ending question to: What's going on that you are allowing this to happen?

Good luck to you!

Answer 4

You have explained this situation pretty clearly. Sounds like you have a good grasp of what's going on.

Best thing you can do is be the best person you can be. Work hard in school and try to have a successful career so you can provide for your mom when she is older and unable to work.

Just because someone is your parent doesn’t mean they are adverse to criticism, and that you should stand by and allow them to negatively effect themselves and the people around them. Tell your dad how you feel and be respectful about it. But sometimes the truth hurts, if it hurts him so be it.