20 yo daughter left home to live with a "bad" girl - what should I do?

Question

My daughter of 20 left home a week ago when I found out she had been seeing a friend I disapprove of completely. Countless arguments, violence, police, stealing, and lying are some of this girls better traits. My daughter has left home and come out on Facebook as being gay and in a relationship with this girl! I'm so heartbroken!

My daughter never wants to talk to me again because I won't accept this girl... Am I really wrong? I'm lost as to what to do! They now flaunt it all over Facebook and I'm so so upset that she's done this for the second time in three months! She won't speak to any family members, blocked us all... What do I do? I'll never accept this girl, even if that means losing my daughter.

Answer 1

Am I really wrong ???

The situation you're in is truly heartbreaking. No one but you can decide for yourself if you're right or wrong. However, other people can share their experiences and beliefs.

One question that comes to mind is, would you feel the same exact way if the other person were a male? In other words, if she didn't come out as gay and flaunt it on Facebook, would you still be reacting the same way?

If the answer is to any degree no, then I do think you're making a big mistake in not accepting your daughter's homosexuality. If you've been outspoken about disapproving of gays in the past, is it any wonder that she didn't come out to you, and that part of her coming out is associated with a rejection of you? Her flaunting it on FB might be really empowering for her.

My second question is about your boundary setting. Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships, but there are some boundaries that are not healthy. A boundary that most people can recognize as reasonable and healthy is

You may not physically strike me or verbally abuse me. If you do, I will be forced to protect myself by separating myself from you, and, if you do not seek treatment, ending the relationship.

An unhealthy boundary is

I expect you to know what I'm feeling at all times. If you don't, then you can't be in my life.

These are extremes, of course, but a lot of people don't have good middle-ground boundaries.

Another bad boundary is

If you don't obey me, I can't continue to be in relationship with you.

This is an attempt to control a person. You can't control other people. That's an illusion.

A valid boundary is

To watch this person abuse you is very painful to me. You cannot ask me to watch this. Therefore I will only see you at times this person is not with you. That can be at my house or in public, or at your house if there is no criminal activity going on and that person is not there.

But an equally valid boundary is

If you cannot be courteous the person I love, and who is the most important person in my life right now, I cannot expose them to you, and if you cannot refrain from speaking discourteously to me about the person I love, we cannot speak to each other.

Boundaries can be painful for the people on either side. If you love someone and value your relationship with them, you will set your boundaries carefully and respectfully, and you will honor them, so that trust can be built, trust being a vital part of a good relationship.

If you're having difficulty with setting good boundaries, a counselor might be able to help you sort through these difficult issues and help you see where you should draw your boundaries. You may find something that you're much happier with than what you have in place right now. until then, please be aware that words, like arrows, can't be called back once they've been launched. Saying less when you are upset is usually better than saying more.

I hope you find a middle ground here where you and your daughter both feel respected and loved.

_{10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries
Boundaries
Setting Boundaries With Parents After You Get Married This might help you to see things from your daughter's perspective.}

Answer 2

My comment was a little harsh, here is how I feel about this situation:

Your daughter is an adult. You have absolutely no right to tell her who she can and cannot befriend.

I don't know what this girl has or has not done, but I do know parents almost always hold a bias. I remember growing up, my parents wouldn't let me hang out with certain friends because they were a bad influence. The reality was that I was the bad influence, but my mother couldn't see past her bias.

The details don't matter anyways.

What matters is that many relationships at this age are temporary. You are putting her in a position to decide whether she wants to be her own person, or whether she wants to have a family. The obvious choice is independence, so you are essentially casting her out of the family. Yes it was her choice, one that you forced upon her.

Right and wrong are subjective. I think you were wrong, but my opinion doesn't matter when it comes to your family affairs. While you may not agree with her, you need to understand her position if you don't want to lose her.

If you think she is making bad lifestyle choices now, you better prepare yourself for the choices she makes once her family disowns her.

Answer 3

I too have a twenty year old daughter. It's not my place to approve or disapprove of her friends. Perhaps that's why I know and get along with her friends, and am more involved in her life. Is my daughter gay?

I don't think so, but she's never been romantically attached to any boy for very long, so it's possible she is still finding out who she is. Either way, her happiness and stability is my number one goal. I'd rather she was gay and happy than miserable.

What do you wish for your daughter? Do you want her to be strong, independent and happy, or do you want her to conform to demands forever. Think about what really matters to you. Think about how wide the gulf between you is already. You've got years of work ahead of you if you want any relationship with your daughter.

Answer 4

I am so sorry you are going through this. If the issue is that your daughter is gay, and you cannot accept her homosexuality, then you will probably lose her forever, and I feel very bad for your daughter. Alternatively, if the issue is that you feel her partner is a bad choice for her, then I would encourage you to reach out to your daughter and support her as much as you can. You can explain to her that while you do not approve of her girlfriend, you will always love her and will do your best to be cordial to the girlfriend.

I have been married for 20 years, and I know my Mom does not really approve of my husband, who is a different race then we are. They have had many disagreement and conflicts over the years. I am forever grateful that despite their "dislike" of each other, my Husband and my Mother make every effort to get along because they know I love them both, and I would be devastated if I had to choose.