How to answer someone who says, "What he needs is a good spanking!"

Question

I was in a restaurant when my 2.5 year old decided to throw a major tantrum. I used time outs, so I scooped him up and carried him towards the door (he was crying and flailing). Much to my embarrassment, an older woman stopped me and said...

What that child needs is a good spanking!

I kind of had enough on my plate, so I just ignored her. But I would have loved to have said something wise in return. I think if I had said "I don't spank my child", she probably would have said, "It shows!"

If you've been in this situation, what have you done? What do you wish you had done?

Answer 1

Consider that this woman has grown up in a world different from yours, her perspective colored by a lifetime of experiences and education that are different from yours. Maybe she is scolding, maybe she thinks she is being helpful, maybe she is expressing frustration that a younger generation does not share her beliefs or that her hard-earned understanding of how to mother is out of vogue.

Certainly she is crossing a social boundary in giving advice to a stranger, but is it such a huge thing to ignore the advice, to acknowledge in a simple way that for a brief moment your paths crossed, that she spoke and you heard? You are two mothers from different times with different ideas, but you share a common experience - a child having a tantrum. Maybe you can acknowledge that commonality, saying something like, "Tantrums are a challenge, aren't they?"

You are not going to change a lifetime of someone's thinking with a brief comment, any more than her comment changed your thinking. So maybe just spread a bit of kindness.

Answer 2

I think ignoring it was the right, wise answer. You could have any number of responses, from informative to "pleasant" to aggressive, but any response tells your child and any spectators that the woman's comment was worth validating in any way.

Nothing you could have said would likely have changed anyone's mind on the matter. Even being polite, a one-off with a stranger isn't going to prevent that stranger from repeating the behavior on some other preoccupied, unsuspecting parent.

In a different setting, such as a close friend or relative making the comment during a visit, then I think an informative, verbal response would be warranted. However, it'd be important to not be reactive or stand offish, but calm and informative.

The internal response to the situation may be of more importance (it is in my book). You should feel confident enough in your disciplinary and parenting choices to not have critique from strangers perturb you. If you're not bothered internally, you won't feel that need for an external reaction.

Answer 3

Perhaps I have a unique perspective on this answer because I actually agree with her sentiment. For all of you who feel like flaming or downvoting because of this, please spare me the insanity of comparing loving discipline to abuse - if you don't know the difference then you made the right choice to not spank!

Anyway, despite agreeing with her sentiment, I would never say this to a stranger like this. Part of being a parent in a free country is having the freedom to decide how you wish to instill discipline in your child. Though I may not agree with your choices, they're yours to make without public commentary (you opened yourself up to commentary in this forum, but I'm not trying to start a debate with you here).

All this assumes this woman was not directly affected by the child's behavior (i.e. they destroyed her property, etc. - more than that pesky kid is bothering her). If your child did something destructive toward her, then it is much more understandable for her to comment on your ineffective discipline (at least it was ineffective in this instance - we've all been there at some point), in addition to demanding remediation. Anyway, I'm assuming this wasn't the case based on your question.

You don't need to respond in a snarky way to try to win some argument. You know there are people who spank their kids in the world, and that fact isn't what is bothering you anyway. Don't try to address her view on that. What you need to do is address her social error - that she offered unsolicited criticism of your parenting. If this had been a private discussion with a friend, it would have been a very different matter, but the old adage of "I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care" really applies here. Given that, here are some possible responses:

• That's one approach.
• I'm sure that's what you'd do, but this is my child and I have the freedom to discipline them as I see fit.
• I'm sorry, you don't really have the standing in my life to speak to my parenting style.
• Please keep your unsolicited commentary on my parenting to yourself.

These can have different levels of "attitude", which really should be customized to the level of offense she's caused, including the attitude that she had with you. Though despite her lack of graciousness, that does not require you to omit graciousness also. Perhaps the most gracious response on your part is no response at all.

Answer 4

If you live on Earth, you have to understand that her view is either the majority in your area or a strong minority. For example, the average single mother in the USA spank their young children an average of 2-3 times a week. Including their toddlers. So whatever response you give has to be compassionate with their worldview that routine physical abuse is normative and good. You think she is being rude and suggesting something awful, so respond with compassion.

Maybe say "While I relate to where you're coming from, I don't spank my child because X and Z". For myself, I think spanking is acceptable but adults abuse it by using it far too much (more than once or twice in a lifetime I'd define as excessive). So instead of saying "I don't spank because its violent", I say "I understand that the rare spanking can be beneficial for a child, I don't spank because I feel far too many parents spank their kids far too much and I don't want to risk becoming one of those parents."