Recently I had very serious conversation with my married friend regarding parenting of kids in which way need to deal with them love or Strict rules and descipline.

I am in side of love and affection, I belive in Love when you love at something no one needs to push you to acheive what you want in tuough way .

He dont agree with my argument, he says love will not work always, frightening and threating the kids with punishments will work all the time.

I rose up in an environment where I have threatned with punishements to play some sports, to achieve grades in my school subjects and I have lost friendly rapport with my father and some of my school teachers beacause I always afraid of then, istead of being in love, and I have lost intrest in my favourite subjects beacuase I am afraid of pinshments.

What my question is here from my 25 years of my age I have seen 99 percent people who agrees with my friends argument.

But I have also seen case where Love only worked in a perfect way with out spoiling rapport between relationships.

Please describe or explain am I corrrect or am I wron ..

Is it possible to raise a kid by threatning of punishments and stricat unnecessary rules to the greatest level (being a scientist,sportsman,doctor..etc) ?

Would like to know the experts onpinons with better examples ..

Thank you in advance.

  • 2
    Welcome to Parenting se! Your choice of love, and the hurt caused by harsh discipline, will resonate with many here. It certainly does with me. I hope your question receives many answers. Dec 1, 2014 at 7:37
  • @anongoodnurse Even I am eagerly waiting here ,, :)
    – Rookie007
    Dec 1, 2014 at 7:59
  • 5
    This question is perhaps the most opinion based question possible to ask. It provokes unconstructive discussion and has no definite answer - and probably never will. Voting to close.
    – Dariusz
    Dec 1, 2014 at 9:30
  • 3
    I'd have to agree with Dariusz - this is almost a non-question, as there are an infinite variety of ways to balance love, reward, punishment, etc., and the arguments as to whether one way is better or worse than another may all have their proponents.
    – Rory Alsop
    Dec 1, 2014 at 9:50
  • 1
    @anongoodnurse You dont need to be sorry.. But anyway I dont think this question is opnion based becuase a constructive opinion with constructive examples is answer for this question I belive. However we are in Parenting blog, parenting allways depends upon psychology.. Everybody will have different opinons to deal a problem in psychology. This is not something history or science to have constructinve answers. Psychology is always opnion, I am just trying to which opinion is acceptable in psychology perspective.
    – Rookie007
    Dec 2, 2014 at 2:32

1 Answer 1


Let's start with the basic misassumption that plagues this kind of argument. There is NO conflict between love and strict discipline. Parents who impose strict rules love their children and want them to do well. They just want different things.

How you approach Parenting is based on what you want for your child.

If you want your child to be obedient and behave respectfully, then you'll prioritise that. This means stricter rules, tighter discipline, and more serious punishment. The good points of this are that your child will understand what is and isn't acceptable, and may be better able to cope with strict, failure-intolerant, societies. However, they'll obviously also be less able to adapt to change, and will always be looking for the "acceptable" answer, and unwilling to take the initiative in case they get things wrong. In many modern businesses like scientist and engineer, you might as well stamp "disposable peon" on their head.

If you want your child to be more creative and to work on their own initiative then you'll prioritise that. You'll encourage them to explore boundaries and teach them to assess the value that underpins any rule, so they can judge whether it's worth breaking in a particular case. At the same time, you make sure they understand their limits, and what's acceptable and not acceptable, in a .

Finally, the one thing that's repeatedly been found to make children feel insecure, behave poorly, and do worse, is inconsistency and lack of any structure. While it may seem like allowing them to do whatever they like encourages creativity, the message you're actually sending is "I don't care what you do". When a child knows they've been "bad" and their parent doesn't react, it creates a feedback loop of worse and worse behaviour to find the limits. Alternatively, when they move from this ruleless environment into a world that's full of rules, they often can't cope, and act out in response. And then when

Now, every child and parent is different, so there are no hard and fast "betters" but there are some rules that you can generally rely on, regardless of the parenting style.

  • Consistency is Key. No matter what parenting style you adopt, if you start switching how you behave erratically, then your child won't know what to think. Don't yell at them for spilling the soup one day and cuddle them for smashing a window the next.
  • Don't trap yourself. If you give your child a whipping for spilling their soup, what is your plan when they beat another child up, or steal a car? Because you've left yourself nowhere to go that you won't end up in jail for. Make the punishment appropriate to the crime. Obviously, this also applies in reverse; if you don't get angry about them deliberately breaking things, what do you stop them doing?
  • Explain yourself. You don't have to justify every decision, but if you are angry with them, they need to know why, or they're obviously going to do them again.
  • Judge your own temper. Kids are exhausting, life is exhausting, and you are human. At some point you're going to lose your temper. This is what timeouts are for. When you feel you're about to lose it, your child gets a timeout. When they're tantruming, they get a timeout. Timeout continues till you're calm. This is NOT a punishment. This is you breaking up the situation and giving you both time to calm down. The key thing here is to spot when you're about to lose it and timeout before you do.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged .