One thing I want to bring out and focus on here is the specific elements of the question, "How do I get my son to blow his nose?", which seems to me the core of the question above.
The answer: You largely need to let your son figure out for himself that he needs to learn to blow his nose (either figure out how to do it, or figure out how to ask for help), while helping him understand your rationale for wanting him to. This is the core of some of the teaching approaches, such as Parent Effectiveness Training: that convincing your child to choose to do something is more effective than forcing or requiring them to do it. This reduces conflict (because you aren't applying a restriction to the child, and instead are gaining their buy-in), at the cost of having to sometimes let things go at least temporarily.
The basic approach (which i'll detail below the break) is to use active listening, trying to get him to tell you his reasoning behind the issue. Ultimately you find out what the real problem is, whether it's because of the cleanliness, physical discomfort, not caring about the snot, or not knowing how to; and then you leave yourself open to him asking how to fix that problem if he wants to ask. No unsolicited advice, just opening a dialog where he tells you what the problem is and you indicate that you understand the problem. That gives him the opening to ask for help if needed/wanted.
Now, of course it doesn't fully apply to serious or life threatening issues - I'm going to require my three year old to not walk in the middle of a busy street alone certainly - but even then the approach is sound, insomuch as you try to get him to choose not to walk in the street alone while still requiring it, and as much as possible explain why you feel the way you do.
Below the break here I'll go through some of the potential dialog, largely in the structure of Parent Effectiveness Training (show some examples of how the conversation could go that aren't optimal, then give an example of a better conversation). I'm not an expert here, just a parent, but I find this effective even with my preschooler much of the time.
I'm not a doctor, also, and can't say if this is one of those serious situations where you need to intervene even without being asked - I doubt choosing not to blow your nose will cause health issues, but I can't know for sure - so I'll answer both ways, first assuming it's not, then a followup assuming it is after the second break.
The first step is to non-confrontationally ask your child to do it. (1 level is you, 2 levels quote is your child, we will call Johnny.)
Hi Johnny, I notice you have a stuffy nose. Would you please blow it?
I did blow it.
Okay, so he did blow it, but not hard enough. Or he didn't, but he thinks telling you he did blow it will get you off his case. Let's see if we can get at that a bit more.
Some possible responses:
- Well, you obviously didn't blow it hard enough.
- If you did blow it, why can I still hear all of that snot?
- It sounds like there's still an awful lot of snot in there.
All of these are fairly confrontational responses, and none are likely to gain his cooperation. The first two are pretty clearly confrontational - you're directly telling him what he did wrong (and that it was wrong), or challenging the veracity of his statement. It might be untrue, but challenging veracity is always confrontational - he knows it's untrue if it is, and telling him so isn't helpful at gaining his cooperation.
Even the last response is somewhat confrontational, because you're implicitly stating either 1 or 2 is true, or else you're stating the blindingly obvious. It might be effective in a normally calm setting, but it's easy for this particular conversation to go off the rails - so here's a somewhat better approach.
You blew your nose, but you're still feeling uncomfortable.
Okay, now we're doing better. You're telling him how you think he feels (he's itching at his nose still, so he's clearly uncomfortable), and you're not accusing him of lying to you. You're indicating you trust him (whether or not he is telling the truth) and inviting some more information.
You blew your nose, but you're still feeling uncomfortable.
Yeah, blowing my nose doesn't ever get anything out.
Now we know that he thinks that blowing doesn't work. Rather than telling him to blow harder, let's see if we can get in a bit more:
You don't think blowing your nose is an effective way to get your nose cleared.
Nope, it never works for me. Picking my nose with my kleenex works a lot better.
Okay, now we know why he picks his nose with the kleenex: not to exasperate you, but because he thinks it is the best solution. We've pretty much collected the information we can.
One option here is to stop. He clearly knows that it's possible to blow your nose, and knows that you favor that solution. He also knows that you're concerned about his nose, and if it causes him a problem, he knows he can go to you for help. This is a good solution if you think the problem is not a severe one and are willing to be patient; your child will eventually figure out that he needs to learn how to blow his nose properly, and will either figure it out or ask for help.
However, as I said above, I don't want to discount the possibility that this is a more serious problem that you want to more proactively address. How you do that is to follow up the above conversation with providing information in a way that is not too pushy, but tells him how you feel.
Jonny, when you don't blow your nose completely, it makes me feel worried that you will develop a sinus infection and get sick.
Dad, I don't want to blow my nose.
You've conveyed your feelings, and he's rejected them; not the nicest thing to do, but not exactly a shock from a child who isn't fully aware of others' feelings (ie, all of them). Let's see if we can reinforce the feeling and get some more information out - still not really pushing, but trying to encourage more conversation.
You don't like blowing your nose, even though it makes me worried.
No, it hurts when I blow my nose.
Now, this isn't exactly a shock: it hurts when I blow my nose, too. It also was something I had a very hard time learning how to do.
It hurts when you blow your nose hard?
Yes, because the inside of my nose feels like it got hit with a hammer.
So he does know how to blow it hard - that is exactly what it should feel like. But he doesn't like the feeling, and is willing to exchange a lesser, longer term pain for a short term pain. I don't have a good suggestion for how to deal with that issue; you have to decide between trying to offer advice that may not be taken well, or laying off.
Or maybe he says
It hurts when you blow your nose hard?
Yeah, and it feels like it's not doing anything, it just feels like I'm blowing a lot of air.
Okay, so he doesn't know what to do. That's easier to handle.
You feel like blowing your nose doesn't do anything.
Yeah. Air just comes out of whatever side of the nose isn't stopped up.
Do you hold one of your nostrils closed and blow one at a time, or do you blow both?
Both. (This is how most children are trained.)
When I blow my nose, I blow one nostril at a time, holding the other one closed with a bit of the kleenex. That usually works pretty well for me.
Other problems of course can be met with similar advice. It's not always going to work - sometimes he doesn't want to hear your advice, and as often as possible it's better to get him to ask for it - but if you feel it's important to convey the information, it can be done in a relatively non-confrontational manner.
