My daughter is in her early 20's. She has proven to be "overly honest" time and again. She has pretty much remained at an even level since around 10 years old, though, in terms of this issue. While this personality trait has been a joy in many regards and has allowed extremely high levels of trust and even a loving relationship that I think would not be possible otherwise, it has caused a lot of social pain within and without the family.
It has just now become something that I feel like I must address as it is causing a lot of relationship issues that reach outside of our personal sphere of influence. She has expressed her desire to change if she could understand what to change and feels that no one has been able to explain to her, with enough precision, the problem so that she can actually pursue a change and still feels others should be the ones doing the changing.
The tendency to think that she's always right is compounded by the fact that she very nearly is always correct. This then has caused her to approach things in a slightly less than socially acceptable way, especially with those who are (perhaps overly) sensitive. Usually she is cognizant enough to not be outright mean, but tone has been her particular downfall. It is easily perceived by the recipient of her suggestions that she is harsh, angry, uncaring, insensitive, or otherwise harbors negative will in her (generally accurate) assessment.
While this amazingly insightful input well surpasses her years and personal experiences, it has gotten to the point where correctness and insight no longer matter since it is breaking down and poisoning relationships both within and without of the family.
I wanted to get a little more foundation on my approach to the situation, so I suggested that she take a personality test. I was little surprised when she came back with an INTJ personality (even though women of this personality type are especially rare, forming just 0.8% of the population). Interestingly she was about at a 1 on the T aspect and so she could have nearly fallen into the F category there and thus is quite balanced between these two aspects in her personality.
I had a very lengthy (elevated) dialogue recently with her wherein we reached quite the impasse. The only thing that I could suggest for her was to try to build an allegorical comparison of how her communication is more like a person who is standing in front of someone and shouting at them to "look over there at this thing!" vs standing beside the person with her arm around them while saying, "look over there at that thing." I tried to explain that it is not about changing her message, but rather to simply change the way the message is conveyed and / or its frame of reference.
Unfortunately she expects (more than several) other people in our family, and out of our family, to try to change to match her communicative needs vs attempting to understand how to modify her own output and, possibly, expectations. I fear that this is about to cause an overwhelming emotional explosion or implosion for her.
Our debate ended with my suggesting that she read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. This was countered with a severe questioning of how a book can change the situation and cause others to change their minds and negative reactionary response to her input to them. I could only really tell her that it will do so by helping her to understand other people's communicative wants / needs on a different level that will help her to change her approach. This was not very palatable for her and she has little to no confidence that this can help.
What suggestions (especially in the realm of self help) might you have regarding dealing with such a particular situation in terms of helping a loved one, like this, to understand their own personal need to change in order to effectively participate in familial and societal relationships?
I am, obviously, particularly interested in actionable material that would help one to change their personal frame of reference and help them to understand how to properly frame their output for others.
Are there any other books or training material (video, audio, etc.) that you think could help that go above and beyond Dale Carnegie's book?
I am desperate to help her to move through this and I know that if she can simply discover the solution herself by consuming proper information and insight (vs my trying to ram it down her throat), she'll be absolutely one of the most remarkable people with whom to associate for others.