Our parents suddenly don't apply their rules in our upbringing to our children. On the contrary.
How should we deal with this? Do we just let it be, or should we discuss the matter. I understand that a grandma role is different from a parent, but still it could undermine our authority or not?
The best solution we've found yet is that the grands and great grands aren't allowed to skip the consequences either. No bungee-cord (grand)parenting allowed.
"If grandma and grandpa want to give you that giant plastic castle play set, then it can stay at their house so you can play with it when you visit".
"IF grandma is going to let you skip the nap and eat a pixy stick before dinner, then she can put you to bed tonight... maybe you could sleep over with them tonight."
Worked pretty well so far. Thankfully our parents are pretty sensible and caught on quickly with just a couple conversations like that.
Find a balance...
It's all right to have a few special privileges that only apply at Grandma's house. That's a grandma's prerogative.
Being allowed to get away with bad behavior, eating only junk food, not getting enough sleep at night, or getting lavished with expensive new toys every visit, have to be nipped in the bud, fast.
Discipline only works if it is consistent. If a child can't do 'x' at mom's house and can at Grandma's, then it's a mom's house rule and not a generally applicable moral. If x="drink soda on the couch" or "watch TV before dinner", that's not a big deal. If x="wander off at a store" or "hit my sister" we have a real problem.
The sleep/food thing is, I hope, self-explanatory for health reasons.
As for the spoiling with gifts problem... this one caused a lot of conflict with my parents, but in the end they came to respect my wishes. My son, after an extended stay with my parents when he was a toddler, developed the expectation that going into any store necessitated buying him multiple treats, and that pouting and sulking and demanding would get him anything I was resistant to.
This made life miserable for me and for him. He was set in the idea that he "needed" every freaking thing that was in a commercial, and shopping with him was always a nightmare. It wasn't even that he liked all the trinkets so much...my behavior was just so outside his new expectations that it was extremely stressful.
Once my mom finally toned it down, she realized that yes, it made life more pleasant for everyone including her grandchild.
I think it depends on the child's exposure level to the grandparents. In my experience, grandparents tend to spoil more when they see the child less. When they have a more active care-taking role, they usually stop spoiling.
Yes, you should always have open discussions with everyone that your child is close with on a regular basis on how you want your child treated, rewarded, and disciplined. This includes teachers, care takers, and your spouse / partner.
I don't think spoiling is the correct word because a normal child is well aware who it is who is allowing things or giving presents etc. A normal child will sooner or later notice that there is a difference in the way various people treat it and what kind of reactive behaviour is accepted and what kind is not.
This is also a lesson to be learned in life, so I won't call it spoiling. It is more an exposure to a normal life situation a child will and should be able to deal with.
Only dangerous things (careless crossing of streets in cities, touching ovens, fiddling power sockets, etc.) and unhealthy ones (smoking, drinking, maybe even staying up late) should be avoided of course. In these cases treat your parents with the same consequence as you should treat your child.
In this day and age it is probably unusual for grandparents to "spoil" their grandchildren as they are part of the regular caring of the child. However a child being looked after by their grandparents is probably getting almost constant attention, attention that the child then expects on returning to his/her parents.
Naughty behaviour on the child's return to his/her parents is often the case as the child wants the same attention. If parents spend the first five minutes of the child's return making a demonstrable fuss of the child, (telling them that they missed them, cuddling them, kissing them), and being over the top about it, and leaving their child in no doubt that they missed them and adore them, then they wont have a problem with a "naughty child" on return. The child has enjoyed being with his grandparents, but he has missed the most important people in his life, ie. his parents.
Children misbehave for two reasons: 1. they want attention and 2. they need attention. Give them positive attention immediately on return and you can avoid the negative attention that they will inevitably display if they are not reassured of a parent's love.
